INT. DAY. BICYCLE SHOP. TWO MEN (MR CATHCART AND MR BLACK).
B: Good morning sir. I represent Lamont Holdings, a local property developer. I would like to speak to you regarding the purchase of your premises.
C: And my name is? You couldn’t even be arsed to find out. You’ll have to be arsed if you want to make progress today.
B: This is a prime location, you could retire a wealthy man. (pause) Mr?
C: Cathcart’s the name, bumming’s the game. Now be a good man and pump this tyre up for me.
B: Ok then, I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty.
C: I’ll bet you’re not. Do you find bicycle pumps erotic Mr Black?
B: I think that you might be deviating from the purpose of my visit, Mr. Cathcart.
C: Maybe deviant maybe not. What is Lamont’s price by the way?
B: He’s willing to pay half a million quid. This place needs a lot of work done, its money for old rope.
C: Are you an old rope man too, what lubricant do you use?
B: Erm, I ‘m not sure I follow you. Now, Mr. Lamont is a very efficient man. You can have a cheque for the full amount today.
C: It’s a generous offer. Can I f**k you? I’ve worked here over 30 years and I made a living but only just.
B: What did you say Cathcart?
C: Get the suit off, the cycling shorts on and get in the back room now. I’m going to give it to you rodeo style.
B: Will you sell the shop if I do?
C: Hang on a minute please (makes telephone call) Hello dear, its me, I’ve done the gay act again but he’s said ‘yes’, ..I’m f**ked big style.
VOICE: What’s Lamonts offer this time?
C: Half a million.
VOICE: (shouting) Half a million! I’ll be down with the vaseline in 5 darling.
