Almost Topical One-liners

Here's some more slightly dated one-liners I submitted to Mundo Loco the week before Christmas. Haven't heard anything back so figured I might as well post for opinions.

Cheers

Dan

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Politics -- Nick Clegg new LimDem leader
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The new leader of the Liberal Democrats, Nick Clegg, won the leadership contest by only 500 votes after a turnout of over 41,000. Yet again, the LimDems find themselves split right down the middle.

New LibDem leader Nick Clegg wants to mark 'the beginning of Britain's liberal future.' People have had sex live during Big Brother, Rebecca Loos has wanked off a pig and Peter Andre and Jordan have a chat show. How much more liberal can Britain be?

New LibDem leader Nick Clegg apparently does not believe in God. However, he says the last thing he would do when talking or thinking about religion is to approach it with a closed heart or closed mind. LimDems not sitting in one camp or the other; the more things change, the more they stay the same.

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More data going missing
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Ruth Kelly has apologised after personal details of three million candidates for the driving theory tests went missing on a hard drive. The details did not include bank account details, National Insurance numbers, driving licence numbers or dates of birth, she said. "Those were on a different disc, marked 'People's bank details and stuff' and left in plain view on the passenger seat of my car. I did lock my car, didn't I? Ah well, never mind. The insurance should cover it..."

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BNP divided after leadership row
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The British National Party has split after a leadership row. One faction wanted to wear white hoods, while another was all for red hoods.

The British National Party has split after a leadership row. New faction 'Real BNP' claim that the old 'BNP' was not strict enough in its truly white policy. The new group will now allow only albinos wearing clothes washed in Persil.

The BNP denied there is an irrevocable split in the party, after a leadership row. "It's all a big misunderstanding," said an insider. "The bond between these two factions is as solid as a Northern Rock."

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Lewis Hamilton caught speeding
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British Formula One star Lewis Hamilton has had his driving licence suspended for a month after being caught speeding on a French motorway. After leading the suspension all the way to the police station, he was more than surprised to find Kimi Rakkonen already there, having his licence suspended for two months. When questioned, Hamilton claimed it was only his first speeding offence and he had to be pleased with the performance. He hopes to do better next time and can only improve.

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Magna Carta copy sells for £10.6m in New York
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The buyer who paid £10.6 million for a copy of the Magna Carta says it's a gift to the American people. "It is important to me that it stays in the United States." Stays?! America wasn't discovered until 187 years after it was sealed! People really shouldn't buy into everything Americans tell you. Just because they invented evolution, they think you'll believe anything they say.

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Prison for Mobile phone at the wheel
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According to the research, a driver on the phone is more distracted than one who has drunk as much as the legal alcohol limit. Factors taken into consideration for prosecution of dangerous driving would include speed and overtaking. So, to avoid this we should all drive very slowly and extremely carefully. And be pulled over on suspicion of drink-driving, instead.

Part of the danger from using a mobile phone at the wheel is because the person at the other end cannot see the driver. To counter this problem, large video screens are apparently being installed facing the driver just above the steering wheel.

The Parliamentary Advisory Council for Transport Safety insisted that there was "still a hard core" of drivers who continued to use handheld mobile phones. You'd have thought using a phone at the wheel was difficult enough, without trying to film pornography on its shitty, little camera.

The new highway code says that drivers should remember they have to concentrate and they shouldn't be distracted either by passengers, by loud music, by reading a map, or using a mobile phone or by smoking. Drivers sticking rigidly to the code will be easily identifiable as their cars will be buried in hedges, walls and central reservations after they fell asleep.

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Queen now oldest monarch
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The Queen will hold no special occasion to mark being the oldest monarch who ever lived. A palace insider said that a day without any of the family being involved in divorce proceedings, a racist row, consipiracy to murder or dressing as a nazi will make it special enough.

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Royal 'blackmail' plot
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Two men have appeared in court charged with a blackmail plot involving a member of the Royal Family. When informed of the allegations, Prince Phillip immediately claimed it was him in attempts to dissociate himself with both racism and homophobia in one fell swoop.

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Peter Crouch Sent Off
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Peter Crouch was sent off for a violent two-footed lunge on Jon Obi Mikel in Liverpool's defeat at Chelsea in the Carling Cup. Well, 'violent' is a bit strong as the bolsa-wood footballer's legs were so thin they didn't even connect with his opponent, leaving the gangly striker tangled up and struggling to get out like a daddy long-legs in a spider's web.

I liked about 50% of the jokes which is good when writing one liners... I can barely write one good out of eight

your Lim Dem jokes I must admit seemed a bit forced, like you were out of your comfort zone writing them?

The BNP ones were my fave though, never go wrong taking the piss out of racists. Perfect example Bernard Manning.

I like the Lewis Hamilton one, thanks for putting these up, it's been a good insight into writing topical gags.

Not sure enough of them were 'witty' enough for my liking, but then you've written a shitload of them! And yeah, I like the posting of one-liners, I'll put some more up too when I've actually written them.

Cheers people. Feedback much appreciated.

Dan

Here's some gags I'm shooting off:

Despite harsh new laws for motorists, drivers who kill someone while behind the wheel could still avoid jail if they claim to have been ‘momentarily distracted’. Good news for taxi-driving murderers; bad news for Jade Goody.

Republican presidential candidate Senator John McCain is in high spirits after victory in New Hampshire. But most of the voters are confused the French fries they ordered at the polling booths haven’t arrived yet.

Meanwhile Hillary Clinton has clinched the Democratic vote, hoping to show the world that there will definitely be no more whitewash at the White House. And no blacks either.

The unpleasant nausea and vomit-inducing virus which swept the country through the festive season continues to affect the nation - although the symptoms did temporarily die down once Noel’s Christmas Presents had finished on Sky.

One of Princess Diana’s bodyguards has claimed that government intelligence services were bugging her. But not as much as all this endless Diana coverage is bugging us.

George Bush says he is prepared to exert pressure on the Middle East to obtain peace - and if necessary, drop a bomb on the bastards.

Kenny Richey, the Scot who spent the last 20 years on death row in America, has been released - and says “it feels great” to be back in Scotland. Give him a week.

High street monolith Marks and Spencer has announced poor Christmas sales, fuelling worries of a slowdown in the whole economy. So, this is not just a poor quarter for M&S; this is a UK recession.

Pupils at an independent school in Brighton are being taught what cutlery to use, how to iron a shirt, lay a table, tie a bow tie, and how to waltz. Brighton College Headmaster Richard Cairns said: “Our role is to equip our pupils for all aspects of adult life.” Leaving the parents with the sole tasks of teaching their kids how to tie their shoelaces, kiss the queen, and pay through the nose for a worthless education.

Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson lost £500 last week after publishing his address and bank details in a Sun newspaper column. He challenged readers to take money out of his account, which they dutifully did. Shame he didn’t dare anyone to send a letter-bomb.

A museum in Colombia has drawn big crowds for an exhibition celebrating laziness and sloth. But only because nothing was on the telly.

New York Doctors are calling it a ‘miracle’: a window cleaner falling off the top of a 47-storey skyscraper and waking up alive in hospital to flirt with the nurses. The miracle, of course, is that he survived the vicious onslaught from his wife.

According to a new survey, one third of adults are on a diet. The legs.

Apple announced it will reduce the cost of UK song downloads, currently the highest in Europe, from 79 to 74 pence. They want us to pay “what everybody else is paying.” Apparently they haven’t heard of Limewire.

A writer for The Times has been forced to apologise after calling for cyclists to have their heads cut off with piano wire. We think he deserves to be shot.

Kerry Katona has been dropped from their advertisments by Iceland,but in one last advert we will see a tearful Miss Katona leaving through the doors of one their stores.A fairwell crowd will sing to her as she goes...Who ate all the pies?..Who ate all the pies?..You fat ba*tard...You fat ba*tard...

Jordan says she wants a nose reduction because she thinks people notice it all the time.