Writers' Bloc Episode 2

Dear All,

Following my posting of Episode 1 of the sitcom "Writers' Bloc" on this forum and the helpful and kind feedback received from forum members I have completed Episode 2. Both the new episode and a drastically rewritten Episode 1 are available at my rather farcically inept attempt at a web page

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/john.ramsay90/New%20Web/default.htm

I've put the episodes on a web page mainly because I can put a few images in which break up the rather lengthy prose - it also lets people see episodes next to each other, e.g. for anyone who missed Episode 1 (err that's mostly everyone).

All feedback is welcome!

As a taster here's the first scene from Episode 2

WRITERS' BLOC
Episode 2
“The Swinging Detective”

Written by

John Ramsay

List of Characters: Episode 2

Members of Writers’ Bloc
Alan BrookeGroup Leader
Brice Wallace
Colin Nicholls
Dara O’Dea
Edith Wilton
Fay Nicholls
Gaynor Hopkins

Other Characters
Ken TynanLandlord (A Hero’s Welcome Pub)

SCENE 1 INT . HERO’S RETURN PUB. NIGHT

[ALL THE GROUP ARE SITTING ROUND THE PUB TABLE]

ALAN
OK. Everyone settled? Then eyes down for a full house. Item One, secretary’s report. Edith.

EDITH
I got a reply from our old friend, Frazer “Biscuits” McVittie, Head of Comedy at Channel 5 to the spec we sent him the other week. Not good I’m afraid.

[SHE PASSES AN A4 ENVELOPE TO ALAN WHO TAKES OUT A LETTER. HE BEGINS READING IT.]

BRICE
Well come on then. Don’t keep us in suspense.

ALAN
Dear Blah blah, thank you for your submission blah blah. “I have taken the liberty of removing all extraneous material, fluff, redundancies, clichés and copyright violations from your manuscript and now return the amended copy”.

[ALAN RETURNS TO THE ENVELOPE AND WITHDRAWS ANOTHER SHEET OF PAPER. IT IS BLANK.]

ALAN
Bastard. He didn’t even keep the title.

[DARA PICKS UP THE LETTER AND CONTINUES READING.]

DARA
“I can only hope that this is one rejection too many and trust that the correspondence between us is now at an end.”…….. Looks like a standard rejection letter to me.

BRICE
I think he’s warming to us.

EDITH
Yeah, and definitely no mention of a restraining order this time.

[ALAN LOOKS VERY DEPRESSED]

DARA
Oh, who gives a rat’s arse for what they think; they’ve probably never even seen a proper drama submission before. Their whole output seems devoted to celebrity and makeover drivel. Probably scheduling some mindless tat like Celebrity Shark Attack even as we speak.

The rest of the episode is available at

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/john.ramsay90/New%20Web/default.htm

Happy New Year Everyone

I didn't see the first episode when you first posted it, so I've been to your website and read the first half of the first episode. I'll read the rest when I have time I think because I'm very intrigued. I really like the concept (if it is as I hope it will be): every time they write something, we see it acted out? I really like the idea. As for the script, it was pretty good - not packed with laugh out loud jokes but I was quite enjoying reading it (perhaps because the concept in the first place interested me). Definitely potential in the idea, and one that makes me think "oh, damn, I wish I'd thought of that".

I like this, especially the blank paper bit. I don't often laugh out loud at scripts [especially my own!] but I did in this one. I'm sort of thinking there should be a serious one, a twisted and bitter old bastard an optimist. Don't know, thinking aloud. Good though. I'll go read the rest now.

I was a little surprised to find I really liked the extract. I read a bit of the stuff on the site, too. I would suggest you really do need a writing partner to work with who'll spot the stuff that needs to go, what needs to be redrafted, and what can be expanded on. E.g:

brice
Yep, he’s now not just Rhyss Williams, Detective but Rhyss Williams, the Swinging Detective.

alan
What?

edith
Makes him sound like he frequents sex parties.

brice
Not that sort of swinging; I mean like hip cool-like, dig those mellow kicks kind of thing.

Here, I would say Edith's line "Makes him sound like he frequents sex parties" is very unnatural, and forced. Better to have her say something like: "Swinging Detective?!"

In other words, if someone went through this they could turn it into something polished and maybe even quite good. (I don't mean that to be taken the wrong way, it has funny content, but I'd say it needs an overhaul. Section you posted is reasonably polished though.) Judging from it though, I don't think from the content that a self-redraft would be consistent enough. Kill your babies, and all that.