Couple scenes. Too Much Of Nothing

The first couple of scenes are on the other thread
..........................................................................

SC 4 INT SALON
LISA IS IN THE MANICURE ROOM DOING A MANICURE FOR HER FRIEND LORRAINE
LORRAINE
TALKS SLOWLY. BROAD LANCS ACCENT.
Ooh, men, they think they own us. They get right up your bloody beak.

LISA
Jack’s always going on about how he has the paperwork to prove he owns me and that we said our vows together.

LORRAINE
Like we meant ‘em. Nobody sticks to their vows these days.

LISA
I know, as if. I had mi fingers crossed when I were saying mine. Mind you, at the time, a double bed seemed a better bet than a cardboard box on the street.

LORRAINE
Well, I only got married because there were nowt better to do and it was a sunny day. I wanted that gorgeous crinoline dress. Any road, what are you going to do?

LISA
I’m still meeting Philip. Well, would you miss
a champagne dinner?

LORRAINE
Ee, a chance’d be a fine thing. How are you going to get out though?

LISA
Well, when I get home from work I’ll just have a shower, put all mi slap on and set off.

LORRAINE
Behave!

LISA
I am. I’ve got it all planned. I’ve set mi clothes out ready and ordered a taxi for seven. So, when I’m all tarted up, I’ll just slip mi old mack on and tell him I’m going for a take away.

LORRAINE
Yeah, right, he’s not that thick.

LISA
He is trust me.
SHE SHOWS LORRAINE A BOTTLE OF NAIL VARNISH. IT’S A GAUDY COLOUR.
Do you like this?

LORRAINE
Ooh! That’s gorgeous. Can you put some of that glitter stuff on an’ all? The other mothers are going to be well jealous when I pick our Clint up from school.

LISA
This is what I’m putting on tonight and I’ve got that sparkly stuff that you put in your hair and that glitter cream that you rub all over your skin.

LORRAINE
Ooh, you’ll look like a fairy princess’

LISA
I’ve got to make an effort on the first day of mi life.

LORRAINE
How exciting. So where’s this Philip taking you?

LISA
Somewhere all romantic and miles away, so there’s no chance of bumping into his wife. Wilmslow I think he said.

LORRAINE
I’ve never heard of that.

LISA
It’s supposed to be very upmarket.

LORRAINE
You’ll have to give me a bell tomorrow. I want all the gossip and all the gory details And if he’s any friends…

SC 5 INT SALON RECEPTION
LISA IS PUTTING HER COAT ON.

LISA
I’ll gerroff Maggie

MAGGIE
Eh, good luck luv and have a nice time. Don’t forget you’re in at ten tomorrow……with Dirty Harry.

LISA
Oh no, I can’t stomach chocolate that early.

MAGGIE
Just look upon it as a labour of love.
THEY BOTH LAUGH AND LISA EXITS.

SC 6 INT LISA’S LOUNGE.

LISA
Hiya, I’m home.

JACK
Hiya luvvy
HE HANDS HER A CUP OF TEA
Been busy?

LISA
Not half, I’m shattered. I’ve been doing pedicures all day.

JACK
Use a heavier paint brush for them. Do you?

LISA
No, same size. So what have you been up to?

JACK
Well, you’ll never guess.

LISA
What?

JACK
I called at the solicitors today.

LISA
And.

JACK
He reckons it could be 85 grand but another year or two yet….

LISA
Oh, Jack, what are we going to do? We’ve already got a truck load of red reminders stashed.

JACK
We’ll just have to let them send court summons.

LISA
We’ve got a truck load of them an’ all. I don’t suppose you looked for a job.

JACK
Correct. Any road, I might be setting up my own business.
LISA LAUGHS OUT LOUD.
But I’ll need a PC……and a printer.
SHE LAUGHS OUT LOUDER.
You’ll laugh on the other side of your face woman when I’m a millionaire.

LISA
You wouldn’t recognise a computer if you fell over one. What sort of business?

JACK
Escort agency.

LISA….BECOMES SERIOUS.
You’re off your tree.

JACK
There’s a lot of money to be made.

LISA
Yeah, right, I’ll believe it when I see it. Any road, I’m off for a shower.
SHE EXITS AND JACK FLICKS ON THE TV. AFTER A FEW BEATS WE HEAR A SCREAM FROM LISA. JACK GRINS.WE HEAR LISA RUNNING DOWN THE STAIRS. SHE ENTERS.

LISA
You bastard!!

JACK
Did you like that luvvy?

LISA
You’ve not even left me one pair of thongs.

JACK
I know. Every item of your clothing is in that bath of water.

LISA
You didn’t need to tie ‘em all in knots.

JACK
I thought it’d give you something to think of on your birthday. It’ll take you a while undoin’ all that lot.

LISA
And what am I supposed to wear tonight?

JACK
You weren’t thinking of going somewhere, were you luvvy?

LISA
You’re a twenty two carat bastard, you are.

JACK GOADING
I put fairy liquid in for you.
LISA GROANS AND EXITS.

writing in regional accents to dialogue makes it a pain to read. You've explained the accent before dialogue so I'd leave at that.

The SALON scene didn’t go anywhere in my opinion and stuck out a bit.

I didn’t really get it sorry maybe I'm not target audience. Lisa/Lorraine dialogue was quite nice but began to drag. As draft its ok needs tightening and the plot doesn’t really make itself clear.

I appreciate what you are saying Gavin, have you read the other scenes....Too Much Of Nothing thread? It is difficult to get what someone else is saying. All I can say is, mine is a mixture of Shameless and the Royle family

No I haven't read any before I'm coming at this as a complete newbie to your work. have you finished an episode or are you going scene by scene?

I wrote two episodes. The other thread gives the first scenes then one later in the first ep.
Do you watch Royle Family?

here is an example of the Royle Family as far as I can remember.

DAD
So what have yer been doin'?

Daughter
I cooked dinner.

DAD
What?!!!!!!! You cooked dinner? My arse.

DAUGHTER
I did, didn't I Dave?

DAVE
Yeah.

DAD
And what did you cook?

DAUGHTER
Welsh rarebit, didn't I Dave?

Do you see how boring that is on the page, but acted and on screen it came across as hilarious....once you get used to the characters, and that is what my script is intended as

Wasnt a fan of Royle Family, took to long to get where it was going, to be frank.

i get what your saying though.

To be quite honest Gavin, I don't know how someone from Wales could ever understand Lancashire humour and I really don't wish to sound rude but Lancashire is a humour of it's own rather like welsh or scottish

Thats right I only find jokes about sheep and farming funny.

teehee. Another point is that you will read my script ..in your head in a welsh accent....

Quote: bushbaby @ January 2, 2008, 11:07 PM

once you get used to the characters, and that is what my script is intended as

View original

Sadly you don't have that luxury.

Aherne did a load of character stand up for years before doing TRF.

Quote: Seefacts @ January 3, 2008, 8:31 PM

Sadly you don't have that luxury.

Aherne did a load of character stand up for years before doing TRF.

View original

I know she lives not far from here. No new writer has that luxury, what's your point?
I just saying what is boring on the page can be extremely funny off and vice-versa

Quote: bushbaby @ January 2, 2008, 11:20 PM

To be quite honest Gavin, I don't know how someone from Wales could ever understand Lancashire humour and I really don't wish to sound rude but Lancashire is a humour of it's own rather like welsh or scottish

View original

But, does that mean you would only expect the people of Lancashire to tune it if it were a sitcom?

No, The Royle Family was very popular as is Corro Street.
Reading a script is different to watching it acted out. Gavin has said he wasn't a fan of the Royle Family though.

Both valid points...

I've read scripts I hate but the comedian has put it into a video format and I was laughing like a 13 year old girl.

A good example is on here on the Sanity clause thread by David Bussell. It is hilarious to watch but I doubt it would be anything at all just reading a script of it.