Snapper. Sitcom idea Page 3

Quote: niteowl @ January 5, 2008, 11:28 PM

Sorry but thats head in clouds rubbish. It may be a good story but Mr Patterson consults with a variety of people during his writing and acknowledges their invaluable assistance. Once a work is complete and out there you are free to 'take no notice of critics' but during development you do yourself a disservice by not listening to opinions and advice. This is posted in 'critique' and the advice given above is intended to help.

RobB-I agree with everyone that you've got a good idea here and some nice dialogue but I'm curious as to why you're posting parts of scenes,and how you're choosing which parts to post. Are these your strongest/weakest/favourite/most in need? What stage is the sitcom at?

View original

Personally I think many of James' critisisms are valid, and that's worthwhile of having posting them in itself. If its coming across that the characters are being intentionally witty (not what I'm after) then thats good to know. This joke working and that not is I guess a matter of opinion and not that helpful.

Not sure where he was going with the Friends reference though. Self awareness in sitcoms goes back years. The odd character can be heard to be intentionally witty on occassion like Fletch in Porridge, Hawkeye, Del Boy. It wasn't what I was trying to do though

I posted the first scene because I wanted to know what people thought of the premis, and the second lot because people said it was too short to say. The last is a piece that isn't really moving the plot forward and is unique in that way, but is an element I'd like to employ.

As for how finished. It was actually started on the 1st of January, and I'm three scenes off finishing the first draft.

Quote: Nigel Kelly @ January 5, 2008, 11:53 PM

Good idea Rob..spot on.

One question for you, the boss.. RYAN ASTLEY IS A SHORT, OVER BRONZED, SPIKE HAIRED COURSED MOUTH AUSTRALIAN.. would he be inspired by Darren Lyons (the so-called Mr Paparazzi) who ran 'Big Pictures' photographic agency which featured in last years reality paparazzi show 'Deadline'?

I believe he is also a spike haired, short, over bronzed, coarse mouthed Ozzie.

I dont wish to discourage you but if someone like me sees that (and i think Blenkinsop did also), TV people will definitely see that. You could always change his character a bit to make him seem more original.. good luck with it.

View original

Coincidence. Plus I might argue that all australians are like that.

Wow you write fast! Any chance of seeing the first draft when you're done?

Quote: Rob B @ January 6, 2008, 12:15 AM

Not sure where he was going with the Friends reference though.

View original

I just meant to illustrate that good characterisation is not just a means to an end, it is an end in itself. And a lot of the best jokes come from characterisation.

Quote: niteowl @ January 6, 2008, 12:22 AM

Wow you write fast! Any chance of seeing the first draft when you're done?

View original

Once something gets in my head I either finish it or don't sleep. Seeing the first draft. Well you'd have to assure me you are the controller of bbc1

Mate I'm the controller of the world. But BBC1 is out of my remit since it was taken over by 'Visitors'. Oh well,good luck with it anyway. (shuffles off grumbling)

Anway James I finally replaced that last scene with this. There must be one joke here you like

DUD WALKS UP AND HANDS PAUL A CUP OF COFFEE AND A PLASTIC WRAPPED SANDWICH

PAUL:
What flavour?

DUD:
Feta cheese and ham, with pickled chilli prawns, Chinese chicken and pinapple.

PAUL:
Excellent, just like my old ma used to make. So did you managed to make it up with Candice?

DUD:
Oh yeah. She was just very emotional because her father had died, so I kind of had to take her back.

PAUL:
Oh that’s terrible, I’m really sad to hear that mate.

DUD:
Nah it’s not that bad. She’s a pretty good shag.

PAUL:
No I meant about her father dying.

DUD:
Oh, personally couldn’t stomach the man. And he never liked me much either. Said I was a sick and twisted individual, and that was after I brought the wheelchair back. Strangely though he died doing the one thing he was actually any good at.

PAUL:
Why what was that?

DUD:
Drowning! The bath overflowed and flooded the entire house. The whole family is understandably upset. They’d only just had the floor laminated.

I think it can be dangerous looking for criticism when you're in the middle of writing a project. Personally, for a big thing like a sitcom, I think it's better to write a couple of episodes out, sit on it, redraft the early stuff, sit on it, read it, then maybe ask for outside crit. Wait until it's in some respect done and dusted - also then it's easier to be objective.

But I know that everyone has their own methods and most people seem to like feedback every step of the way.

Anyway, there are some quite good jokes... but some felt a bit 'easy' and staged to me (e.g. 'and that was after I brought the wheelchair back'). The trouble is, they're funny, but don't seem entirely natural. Which, I imagine, is exactly the sort of stuff that gets rejected all the time. My radio sitcom was guilty of the same sins and that got rejected point-blank! Have you written the whole episode yet? Just keep bashing it out. Then re-read it a year down the line.

James you have a good point, As the great Slaggs once told me, a first draft should never be seen...Which are wise words as it's true... first drafts do kind of suck balls.

Just keep writing guys I haven't read all of it and I would love to be able to read it after the second draft is put together.

Quote: James Williams @ January 7, 2008, 2:59 PM

I think it can be dangerous looking for criticism when you're in the middle of writing a project. Personally, for a big thing like a sitcom, I think it's better to write a couple of episodes out, sit on it, redraft the early stuff, sit on it, read it, then maybe ask for outside crit. Wait until it's in some respect done and dusted - also then it's easier to be objective.

But I know that everyone has their own methods and most people seem to like feedback every step of the way.

Anyway, there are some quite good jokes... but some felt a bit 'easy' and staged to me (e.g. 'and that was after I brought the wheelchair back'). The trouble is, they're funny, but don't seem entirely natural. Which, I imagine, is exactly the sort of stuff that gets rejected all the time. My radio sitcom was guilty of the same sins and that got rejected point-blank! Have you written the whole episode yet? Just keep bashing it out. Then re-read it a year down the line.

View original

I'd love to see that rejection letter.

Dear Mr Williams,

Thank you for you script "The Knob Suckers". We found it to be a truely masterful work packed with pathos and wit, and some of the most elequant and beautiful writing since, well, Keats. The plot was both intelligent, thought provoking and at the same time touching adding both drama and gravitas which helped us really feel we knew the characters and their inner most thoughts. The ending with its firebrand dramatic explosion and magnificent plot twist would have left Conan Doyle abashed with its sheer brilliance.

However we have to unfortunately reject this point-blank because we found it to be just too funny. In fact I'm still laughing out loud hysterically like a baboons arse as I write you this letter. Please never make this mistake again.

Good Day!

Sir Grubbington Arse-Wipe (HEAD OF BBC LAVATORIES)

Quote: Rob B @ January 7, 2008, 6:57 PM

I'd love to see that rejection letter.

Dear Mr Williams,

Thank you for you script "The Knob Suckers". We found it to be a truely masterful work packed with pathos and wit, and some of the most elequant and beautiful writing since, well, Keats. The plot was both intelligent, thought provoking and at the same time touching adding both drama and gravitas which helped us really feel we knew the characters and their inner most thoughts. The ending with its firebrand dramatic explosion and magnificent plot twist would have left Conan Doyle abashed with its sheer brilliance.

However we have to unfortunately reject this point-blank because we found it to be just too funny. In fact I'm still laughing out loud hysterically like a baboons arse as I write you this letter. Please never make this mistake again.

Good Day!

Sir Grubbington Arse-Wipe (HEAD OF BBC LAVATORIES)

View original

?!
How did you guess the title?!

Anyway, you can read it for yourself, I posted it on here in the critique section a while back. It's called "Sail Away".

I have read the whole thread and all of the scenes of the sitcom you've posted so far Rob. I think it's a good idea with some good dialogue and gags.

Just a different point of view for you. I wouldn't have the pap in a traditional 'Dad/Mom/kids sitcom family house'. He'd have different/more unusual domestic arrangements. Not because what you've done is bad or anything. I just think that the sitcom 'nuclear family' has been so over-done that it's become cheesy and it turns me off straight away.

Also, the pap world is quite violent and aggressive (from what I've seen) and that's another reason I'd take him out of a direct family situation. I'd also further darken the humour.

But I did enjoy reading it! Cheers and good luck!

Quote: Griff @ January 8, 2008, 9:21 AM

James Patterson is a talentless shite.

I have to applaud this view. I am a voracious reader and will read any old bollocks but James Patterson is, I think, the only novelist I have ever had to throw in the bin half-way through. I've never read such a load of shit in all my life.

View original

Ha ha ha!
I was more expecting a heated response from his army of fans.
I will also read any old nonsense, but Patterson is a very curious piece of work; with the one book I read all the way through and stuff I've perused and laughed at, it's difficult to say whether he's truly at fault or his co-writer is. I gather that he provides the co-writer in his recent stuff with the plot, buggers off and pockets the cash. Never read any of his solo work. Although I would term all of his stuff 'solo work', ho ho ho.

The plots seem to be bloody awful too though. I mean, truly.