Snapper. Sitcom idea Page 2

Quote: John R @ January 3, 2008, 3:52 PM

I liked this a lot. Like James I liked the "I’d have to weigh them carefully" line and you could work that joke a bit harder. Also like the suggestion of calling it "Pap" - the innuendo would certainly attract a few more inadvertant viewers.

In terms of character development you probably need to emphasise why he wants the big celebrity shot - is it to escape a life of photographing turgid fetes, superstore openings and mayor's charity events?

Don't like to edit other people's work but I can't resist suggesting that Darren Streeter rather than "scored a few times that night" (a bit cliched)instead "got his tackle in early that night".

Good Luck

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Personally I don't care, or really think it matters what its called. If anything happened with it I'm sure the name wouldn't be my choice anyway.

As for the "got his tackle in", it's already been sort of used. As will "he certainly know how to hammer his balls home" and others because the footballer is the main plot element in this script.

Anyway does this line work or a little too vague?

"Well last week she bought me a book by George Orwell. Strange thing is I’m over half way through it, and still haven’t got to the chapter with Jade Goody?"

Quote: Rob B @ January 2, 2008, 9:21 AM

Well I consider Fawlty Towers and OFAH to be farce and contrived, so I don't really see that as a bad thing.

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Sorry, I was being a git. I agree, there's a great place for farcical and contrived and when done well they can be fantastic (Fawlty and One Foot in the Grave respectively, for example). I was just reading your comment with only negative connotations rather than the positive ones. To reiterate, I like the overall idea and you definitely have some funnies in there so I hope you make something of it.

Here's the next two scenes for anyone who's interested. Some of the dialogue is still a bit ropey, but I haven't quite got the voices nailed yet.

SCENE 2

EXT. OUTSIDE A POSH CELEBRITY TYPE RESTAURANT. A GROUP OF PAPARAZZI PHOTOGRAPHERS ARE STANDING AROUND DOING NOTHING.
PAUL IS THERE WITH A CAMERA ROUND HIS NECK.

DUDLEY PAULS BEST MATE AND FELLOW PAPARAZZI ENTERS

PAUL:
Hi Dud.

DUD:
Paul. How’s tricks?

PAUL:
Slow. Been here over three hours and there’s been about as many photo opportunities as you’d get at a Masonic lodge’s Christmas party. You’re late today.

DUD:
Yeah been with the girlfriend.

PAUL:
You sound like you’re getting on okay.

DUD:
Yeah, well of course the sex is good. Plus she buys me lots of silly little presents.

PAUL:
Nice, like what?

DUD:
Well last week she bought me a book by George Orwell. Strange thing is I’m over half way through it, and still haven’t got to the chapter with Jade Goody? I’m worried though she’s getting too serious. Keep’s on going on about a sign of commitment.

PAUL:
Yeah?

DUD:
Well she wants me to get her name CANDICE tattooed on my arm.

PAUL:
Gawd, yeah tattoos can be painful.

DUD:
Tell me about it. And plus how the hell would I explain it to the wife?

PAUL:
Well there’s that too.

DUD:
Sometimes I even wonder if are affairs are worth it. And if it wasn’t for you my best mate covering my back I don’t think I could have pulled it off. You know I actually think she thinks I’m going to marry her.

PAUL:
Well that’s Bigamy!

DUD:
I know mate, like I said thanks (Gives Paul a hug)

PAUL:
No I mean if you married her that would be bigamy.

DUD:
Oh right, yeah. So how’s your little brood?

PAUL:
Well Chloe’s on the war path. It’s our anniversary in a few days, and she’s leaving the odd small hint so I don’t forget.

(OPENS COAT TO REVEAL A SHIRT WITH “ANNIVERSARY THURSDAY” WRITTEN THICKLY ON IT IN MARKER PEN)

DUD:
Subtle.

PAUL:
I forgot last year and she locked me out of the bedroom for the night.

DUD:
That doesn’t sound too bad.

PAUL:
Well I wouldn’t of minded but I was in the on-suite bathroom. Trying to get to sleep sitting on a bidet is less fun than you’d imagine. Anyway I’m going to book a room and meal at a posh hotel this year. Some top nosh, and a bit of wine...

DUD:
Wayhey. Sounds like it might be fun night.

PAUL:
Only if I can help it. Anyway have got to run. I’ve got an appointment with Ryan.

DUD:
What the boss? What does that obnoxious Aussie want to see you for?

PAUL:
Oh some special assignment or something. Probably wants me to photograph some z-listers colonic.

DUD:
Boy that bloke gives us paparazzi a bad name.

PAUL LEAVES – MEANWHILE A CELEB-LIKE WOMAN AND MAN APPEAR GOING INTO THE RESTAURANT – DUD STARTS TAKING PHOTO’S.

DUD:
(SHOUTING) Come on love show us some tit!

--------------------------
SCENE 3

OUTSIDE SHOT OF BUILDING ENTRANCE. NAME ON ENTRANCE PLATE SAYS RYAN ASTLEY PHOTOGRAPHIC AGENCY

RYAN ASTLEY IS A SHORT, OVER BRONZED, SPIKE HAIRED COURSED MOUTH AUSTRALIAN.

INT. RYANS OFFICE

RYAN:
Paul, come in, sit down.

THROWS A SMALL PILE OF PHOTOS ACROSS HIS DESK.

RYAN:
Who in gods name is this?

PAUL:
That’s Janet Street Porter, she…

RYAN:
Who the hell is Janice Street bloody Foster? She looks like she’s ninety. Look I don’t care if she’s dressed up like a suicide bomber, or even if she’s doing Rolf Harris up the jacksie with a strap-on. I can’t sell photos like these.

PAUL:
She was opening a cancer charity…

RYAN:
Paul, Is she a young actress eager to display her wares? Or a footballer with an ill placed tackle? Page Three girls, TV Chefs, Big Brother, even Ant or bleedin’ Dec. Not some buck-toothed old charity case who’d have difficulty getting ‘pulled’ by a tractor.

PAUL:
It’s a very a very worthy cause actually.

RYAN:
Paul we’re trying to sell pictures. If magazines wanted cancer, it would be called “Unwell” not Okay magazine.

PAUL:
What about that shot I took of Cameron Diaz at the film premier.

RYAN:
The one where she’s smiling, and looking hot?

PAUL:
Yeah.

RYAN:
Problem with Diaz is she’s always smiling and looking hot. Get one of her picking her nose. Better still with her finger up her arse. Now that I could sell. Hang on what about that Evie actress you took the photo of.

PAUL:
What the nipple shot?

RYAN:
No the one with the shadow. Now she’s hot, footballer boyfriend, and there both about as discrete as a political spin doctor, and hopefully just as disgusting. She what you can get on those two by friday. Close the door on your way out.

PAUL LEAVES AND CLOSES DOOR

RYAN:
Tit!

I'm enjoying this very much Rob. Some nice witty dialogue and wordplay. I think you have a good premise here and should push this along.

I like the characters and the photo agency boss reminds me of somebody ;-)

The only problem I see is perhaps sustaining the incompetent Pap storyline throughout a protracted run and you might have to get him to, as the say in America, "Luck out" and get the odd scoop.

Good stuff and one of the best I've seen on here.

Liked a lot of the jokes. Very silly. Photo agency boss is done well, I think he was the funniest. Yeah, if it's plotted out just write it out and sit on it for a few weeks before redrafting.

Yeah I liked it too defo a lot of potential in a sitcom such as this.

One last scene I promise

IN THE LIVING ROOM. PAUL IS SLOUCHED ON THE SOFA. DUD COMES THROUGH THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.

DUD:
Hey Paul!

PAUL:
Dud! What are you doing here?

DUD:
Can you believe the girlfriend kicked me out. Said I treated her like some sort of sex object.

PAUL:
Why, what did you do?

DUD:
Nothing! I mean what’s this world coming too when you can’t even buy one of the women you love a pair of crutchless panties without her reading something filthy into it.

PAUL:
I fear such gallant sentiment is dying breed mate!

DUD:
Yeah I’m just an old romantic at heart.

PAUL:
Why didn’t you just go home to the wife.

DUD:
I would of but I told her I was covering the red carpet at a film premier in Birmingham. So if it’s alright I’ll kip the night here.

PAUL:
Fine, I didn’t know they even had film premiers in Birmingham.

DUD:
They must do. I’ve been going to rather a lot recently. What’s the movie you’re watching?

PAUL:
It’s this Tom Hanks thing. One of my nieces bought me this for Christmas.

DUD:
Oh, any nudity?

PAUL:
Doubtful, it’s ‘Finding Nemo’

DUD:
Yeah right, I’m getting it mixed up with that ‘Bedknobs and Broomsticks’

PAUL:
‘Bedknobs and Broomsticks’ didn’t have nudity either!

DUD:
Well the version I saw certainly did. The thing one woman was doing with an eel put me of seafood for weeks. Who’s the fish?

PAUL:
That’s Nemo.

DUD:
Oh. What’s he doing in a tank.

PAUL:
He’s a fish.
(PICKS UP REMOTE CONTROL AND PRESSES STOP)
Lets watch something else.
(FLICKS CHANNELS)
How about the ten o’clock news?

DUD:
Nah. I saw it last week.

I thought this scene was the weakest of the bunch. The jokes either seemed to forced ('Bedknobs and Broomsticks', 'eel & seafood') or just didn't work on context ('Ten o'clock news - saw it last week.')

And this scene has no dynamism whatsoever. Is it just a filler sub-plot scene between 2 scenes where the plot is going somewhere? I'm dubious that it is as it includes the 'main' character and his apparent side-kick.

Frankly, if this were in a bunch of other material and I was looking for stuff to cut (which you always are) I'd cut all of it.

Re: selling to producers, I think this material is a no. 1 candidate for the bin, as they're looking for well-defined characters who act in character, not to forced jokes that aren't that funny anyway.

So, while that might sound harsh I believe it's good advice - and make sure you can hear the characters in your head and can anticipate what they will say before you can think of a gag. Look at 'Friends': most of the laughs come merely from the characters performing to type. We (or I!) laugh just because Joey wolfs down a slice of pizza; while 'Friends' is an extreme example of this, the same rules hold true for other material. Incidentally, the writers have been very clever in creating a wise-cracking character (Chandler) in that one's impulse as a writer to make jokes at every little thing is quite strong, but in the context of a sitcom wholly unbelievable for all the characters to come out with such stuff. So a single in-character outlet is clever.

Anyway, that last bit was at a tangent, but keep writing it all out and you can decide what to keep and what to bin in the next draft. And if you can't, I'll tell you!

Quote: James Williams @ January 5, 2008, 9:39 PM

Incidentally, the writers have been very clever in creating a wise-cracking character (Chandler) in that one's impulse as a writer to make jokes at every little thing is quite strong, but in the context of a sitcom wholly unbelievable for all the characters to come out with such stuff. So a single in-character outlet is clever.

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That's a very interesting point.

I do kind of agree, I haven't got the voices yet so I don't know quite what is appropriate for them to say or not, and yes the film gags aren't the strongest. All I can say is this isn't the whole scene, its a sub plot theme, and gives me a throwaway line as the very last line of the script. I've deliberately not tried to put plot elements in the thread. I'll send you the full scene and perhaps then you can tell me if it makes more sense

Quote: Seefacts @ January 5, 2008, 9:59 PM

That's a very interesting point.

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Friends is an interesting and great show, but it took them many shows before they got the joey / chandler stuff right. Watch the first season and the dialog just seems wrong for the characters and interchangable in a way the later series weren't. Also the chandler respones are meant to be funny (he's making the joke). All the other characters just say funny things inadvertantly.

Great start mate. Don't take too much notice of critics, one says one thing, another another, you know what I mean. James Patterson, the American novelist, for his final at university, copied and pasted a couple of chapters by George Orwell, and got a C. From that day to this he takes no notice of critics.

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ January 5, 2008, 10:58 PM

Great start mate. Don't take too much notice of critics, one says one thing, another another, you know what I mean. James Patterson, the American novelist, for his final at university, copied and pasted a couple of chapters by George Orwell, and got a C. From that day to this he takes no notice of critics.

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Or lawyers.

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ January 5, 2008, 10:58 PM

Great start mate. Don't take too much notice of critics, one says one thing, another another, you know what I mean. James Patterson, the American novelist, for his final at university, copied and pasted a couple of chapters by George Orwell, and got a C. From that day to this he takes no notice of critics.

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James Patterson is a talentless shite.

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ January 5, 2008, 10:58 PM

Great start mate. Don't take too much notice of critics, one says one thing, another another, you know what I mean. James Patterson, the American novelist, for his final at university, copied and pasted a couple of chapters by George Orwell, and got a C. From that day to this he takes no notice of critics.

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Sorry but thats head in clouds rubbish. It may be a good story but Mr Patterson consults with a variety of people during his writing and acknowledges their invaluable assistance. Once a work is complete and out there you are free to 'take no notice of critics' but during development you do yourself a disservice by not listening to opinions and advice. This is posted in 'critique' and the advice given above is intended to help.

RobB-I agree with everyone that you've got a good idea here and some nice dialogue but I'm curious as to why you're posting parts of scenes,and how you're choosing which parts to post. Are these your strongest/weakest/favourite/most in need? What stage is the sitcom at?

Good idea Rob..spot on.

One question for you, the boss.. RYAN ASTLEY IS A SHORT, OVER BRONZED, SPIKE HAIRED COURSED MOUTH AUSTRALIAN.. would he be inspired by Darren Lyons (the so-called Mr Paparazzi) who ran 'Big Pictures' photographic agency which featured in last years reality paparazzi show 'Deadline'?

I believe he is also a spike haired, short, over bronzed, coarse mouthed Ozzie.

I dont wish to discourage you but if someone like me sees that (and i think Blenkinsop did also), TV people will definitely see that. You could always change his character a bit to make him seem more original.. good luck with it.