Snapper. Sitcom idea

Hey, I've been trying to a few ideas for a sitcom (That's the hardest bit isn't it). Finally I've found two I think aren't totally awful. The first is called snapper and is a tale of a useless paparazzi photographer, who always just manages to miss the big celebrity shots. Have tried to make it fairly mainstream with realistic humourous dialog rather than a gag-fest (more My Family than Not Going Out). Have plotted the first episode, and here's the first scene.

Is it just a little tame?

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Paparazzi photographer Paul and his wife Chloe are sitting at home at the kitchen table having breakfast.

PAUL: (Is gazing one eyed through a photographers magnifier at a photograph)
I think I can definitely see a hint of nipple!

CHLOE:
Wow I’m really pleased. It’s nice to see you finally enjoying your job so much.

PAUL:
Oh the agency, they are always on about celebrity nipples. Nipples and minge, nipple and minge that’s all they ever say. The tabloids and glossies lap it up.

CHLOE:
Celebrity is she? (Pulls the photo toward herself)

PAUL:
Apparently so. Can’t say I know her, but some actress in that TV show, going out with that footballer that plays for thingee.

CHLOE:
Well you’ve certainly got the inside track on them then.

PAUL:
Don’t need the inside track when I’ve got the definitely possibility of a nipple!

CHLOE: (Leans over)
Really, looks more like a shadow.

Enter KELLY who picks up a piece of toast.

KELLY:
Morning mum, dad, how’s things this morning.

CHLOE:
Morning Kelly. Well, your father’s looking at nipples.

KELLY:
I always knew he’d get caught eventually. (Looks over at photograph) Is that Evie Trouton. She’s going out with Darren Streeter the premiership footballer. My mate Tanya slept with him a while back. She said he scored a few time that night.

PAUL:
She sounds classy. Do I know this mate Tanya?

KELLY:
Don’t think so, but Darren Streeter certainly did. Knowed her all over the place. The video’s on the internet. (Looks at the photo again) Doesn’t look like a nipple to me, more like a shadow.

CHLOE:
Does it matter?

PAUL:
Well if it’s a nipple it will get syndicated and will end up in the tabloids and I’ll probably earn around five k, and if it isn’t I’ll get around five pence.

CHLOE & KELLY: (Both look again)
Definitely a nipple.

KELLY:
Dad, if you do get five grand can I get my eyes lasered.

PAUL:
What? Why the hell would you want to get your eyes lasered?

KELLY:
Tanya’s had it done, and she says it’s really cool. In fact she’s even saving up to get her other eye done.

PAUL:
There’s nothing wrong with your eyesight. It’s just dangerous and in your case unnecessary medical procedure.

KELLY:
Yes my eyesight is good now, but imagine how good it would be if I did have them lazered. I’d easily be able to tell if that was a nipple or not.

PAUL:
NO!

KELLY:
You wouldn’t say that if mum wanted a boob job?

CHLOE:
Yeah, what if I wanted a breast enlargement?

PAUL:
Well, if your mother, for health stroke medical reasons obviously, wanted to increase her chest by say two or three cup sizes. I think after a while there is a possibility I could go along with such a decision.

CHLOE:
So you wouldn’t mind me going through a very painful operation, just so I had a bigger cleavage?

PAUL:
I’d have to weigh them carefully, but yes I think there are definite advantages. You’re always saying how you dresses are old and tatty, we’d have to buy a whole set of new one’s – dresses I mean. And don’t forget breast enlargement is proven to have vast physical benefits as well.

CHLOE:
Yes. For men!

PAUL:
Yes admittedly there is the visual aspect too. So Chloe in principle would you like think about the breast…

CHLOE:
NO!

PAUL:
Okay.

I think it would be better to introduce the daughter further along the storyline, Then we get used to the parents relationship first.

it's definately got potential for the my family, after you're gone bracket.

They seem to be (cue massive generalisations here) a DAD is in a dysfunctional relationship with his family and hates his job/lack of success.

lots of scope for plots there and of course for conflict.

Best of luck.

The laser eye surgery joke had a bit about it (get the other one done soon), but the rest of it did seem rather ordinary. I don't know what the plot is for the episode so I can't tell if it moved forward or not.

Quote: David H @ January 1, 2008, 10:45 PM

The laser eye surgery joke had a bit about it (get the other one done soon), but the rest of it did seem rather ordinary. I don't know what the plot is for the episode so I can't tell if it moved forward or not.

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Well there is a insane wideboy boss. A truely stupid work colleague. A celebrity stalker (meaning a celebrity that actually stalks our photographer).
In the episode we'd see a farcially contrived situtaion where our photographer sets up a footballer by giving him the hotel room he'd booked for his anniversary only for it all to go very wrong with a twist at the end.

Surely a useless pap wouldn't be able to hold down a job? He'd have to have some degree of success. Or work for a news agency in a village in Somerset. Maybe he got one great photo which earned him some renown but it was a fluke. I don't know.

My favourite bit was when the dad said: "I'd have to weigh them carefully."

It's ok, but it could do with a lot of brushing up. Also: Where's the scene actually going? It's not dynamic at all. They're just sitting around. What's the next scene? Sub-plot presumably. What is it?

Daughter seemed to have a unique voice, the mother less so. Need to read more to see if they sound different enough.

The 'looks more like a shadow to me' repetition is a bit cliché too - well, in fact it's very clichéd.

So what is the plot, and what happens in each scene? How many scenes are there?

I quite liked it, subject to a fair bit of tweaking (now now, you know I'm not talking about the nipple). Agree with most of the other comments, especially about bringing the daughter in later and making her have a more distinct voice.

My main worry is this bit:

Quote: Rob B @ January 1, 2008, 11:15 PM

In the episode we'd see a farcially contrived situtaion where our photographer sets up a footballer by giving him the hotel room he'd booked for his anniversary only for it all to go very wrong with a twist at the end.

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If even you, the writer, see it as farcically contrived then we as viewers might just be inclined to groan and throw things at the telly. But maybe you were being self-deprecating and it won't turn out like that.

Anyway, I liked a fair bit of it and it sounds like something with potential, so good luck.

Quote: Badge @ January 2, 2008, 2:11 AM

I quite liked it, subject to a fair bit of tweaking (now now, you know I'm not talking about the nipple). Agree with most of the other comments, especially about bringing the daughter in later and making her have a more distinct voice.

My main worry is this bit:

If even you, the writer, see it as farcically contrived then we as viewers might just be inclined to groan and throw things at the telly. But maybe you were being self-deprecating and it won't turn out like that.

Anyway, I liked a fair bit of it and it sounds like something with potential, so good luck.

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Well I consider Fawlty Towers and OFAH to be farce and contrived, so I don't really see that as a bad thing. The initial scene is trying to set up the things you need to know, including the three characters, his job and the friend, the footballer etc. As for voices being different, well I'll have to try harder I guess and the main reason I'm looking to co-write this with somebody.

I liked this and thought that the pace and style sat well with current sitcoms of the genre.

It's a bit hard to tell about it overall as there is not enough of the episode to form a definite opinion but it felt good to me.

I like your idea of farce and think that it's a style that's often forgotten in these "in yer face" & "shock it to them" days that we seem to live in.

A decent beginning I'd say. Nice one.

B.

I suppose I'm going down the Extras route a little when I say this, but when you mentioned a celebrity stalking the photographer do you mean to have his photograph taken? Because a celebrity trying to get into camera shot every time the photographer sets up his lens could be a very good running gag.

For example, you could have the photographer driving miles away to a beach where a fine actor and his companion are staying and lo and behold the other celebrity walks into view having followed the photographer down there. In some ways similar to the episode of Arrested Development when a older man was tracking the family in different guises. The photographer repeatedly tells him that he's not going to take his picture but the man just doesn't give up. I can imagine Keith Chegwin or Les Dennis in this role (not that they would do it).

Quote: David H @ January 2, 2008, 1:48 PM

I suppose I'm going down the Extras route a little when I say this, but when you mentioned a celebrity stalking the photographer do you mean to have his photograph taken? Because a celebrity trying to get into camera shot every time the photographer sets up his lens could be a very good running gag.

For example, you could have the photographer driving miles away to a beach where a fine actor and his companion are staying and lo and behold the other celebrity walks into view having followed the photographer down there. In some ways similar to the episode of Arrested Development when a older man was tracking the family in different guises. The photographer repeatedly tells him that he's not going to take his picture but the man just doesn't give up. I can imagine Keith Chegwin or Les Dennis in this role (not that they would do it).

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I just thought having a celebrity stalker was funny, though I'm not sure how to use it really. Thinking about it I guess I saw it like the Racquel Cassidy character in Worst Week of My Life, so I'd have to probably change that somehow anyway.

I very much like the idea of a sit-com based on a pap (is 'Pap' not a better title? Perhaps a bit critic baiting) and I see a great deal of comedy scope in it. The celebrity stalker idea alone is gold. And don't run yourself down - In the scene you presented you have a funny situation, conflict and some sweet one liners...

PAUL:
I’d have to weigh them carefully, but yes I think there are definite advantages.

That's a gag right there. Keep it going, Rob.

did you not know what pap is slang for?

Yes, which is precisely why I mentioned it, hence the parenthesis.

I liked this a lot. Like James I liked the "I’d have to weigh them carefully" line and you could work that joke a bit harder. Also like the suggestion of calling it "Pap" - the innuendo would certainly attract a few more inadvertant viewers.

In terms of character development you probably need to emphasise why he wants the big celebrity shot - is it to escape a life of photographing turgid fetes, superstore openings and mayor's charity events?

Don't like to edit other people's work but I can't resist suggesting that Darren Streeter rather than "scored a few times that night" (a bit cliched)instead "got his tackle in early that night".

Good Luck