Embarrassing start to 2008

Son phones Mum on New Years Eve.

Hello Mum, it’s Jerf.......No, Jerf,your eldest son.......

What do I want? nothing, I’m ringing to wish you and dad a Happy New Year.....

Yes,it's 1st of January, in three hours.I rang early, before you went to bed....

Oh, you were in bed....you got out to answer the phone... sorry.

Anyway, how are you?.....You’ve got diarrhoea, oh sorry to hear that......

And Dad’s constipated, let’s hope things get better in the new year.......

Yes Mum, tomorrow is new years day.......

Dad can what Mum? only manage a tiny what?.... Oh dear, the proverbial pain in

the arse.......No, I’m not making fun of him, sorry.......

He’s trying to be chipper is he?. Well done Dad........

Said he couldn’t be one of them homosexuals, did he now?....

And why did he say that Mum?.......

He says it’s painful enough to, Yeah, yeah Mum, he is quite chipper, isn’t he?

And what about you, how are you?........

You are using lots of toilet rolls, yes, you will be.

So, what did you watch on telly on the last day of the year?.......

Yes it is, 1st of January tomorrow.........

Mrs Wilson went to Tescos for you, that was kind of her.......

She got you a bumper pack of toilet rolls did she.

What do you think of Jim Mac Donald punching that bloke, the one.....

She got two for the price of one,that's good value isn't it.......

No, it’s not, why’s that then?.....

Oh I see, the paper is very thin.

Well that’s the nature of paper Mum, it’s paper thin.......

No, I’m not being silly Mum, did you watch Emmerdale?.......

Your fingers go through the what Mum? Sorry, somebody's at the door,

Phone you tomorrow, Happy New Year Mum.

I had to read this twice but on second time, I really got 'his' voice and I then got it and the alzheimer mother at the other end of the line. V funny

Bob Newhart did a series of 'telephone calls'.

One of them was Queen Elisabeth 1 phoning Sir Walter Raleigh wanting to know what to do with Tobacco.
What's that Wally, you roll it up in thin paper, yes, then put it in your mouth, then what do you do Wally?...... you set fire to it.

yes, I remember those well, they were brilliant. Didn't he do one on cricket too?

It was a very subtle sketch that, but I thought it was ok, nothing to rave about but nothing to hate about it really... *thumbs up*

PS - you may want to check out other peoples sketches to learn how to do some basic formatting on your sketches just helps the reader.

Paul Watson, Thanks, If there is something wrong with the format, I'd appreciate you pointing it out.
I copied the format from the Bob Newhart book, but if it's old fashioned, I will remember for next time. thank you for your interest.

you pressed post twice

Nothing major on the format for instance when you start the sketch write something onlong the lines of:

SCENE. INT. HOUSE. DAY

A man picks up a ringing phone.

Then go on to mention that you cannot hear the person on the other end of the phone. ect.

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ January 1, 2008, 1:55 PM

Hello Mum, it’s Jerf.
No, Jerf.
Your eldest son.
What do I want?
I’m ringing to wish you and dad a Happy New Year.
Yes, 1st of January, in three hours.
I rang early, before you went to bed.
You were in bed, got out to answer the phone, sorry.
Anyway, how are you?
You’ve got diarrhoea, oh dear.
Dad’s constipated, let’s hope things get better in the new year.
Tomorrow.
He can only manage tiny, Oh dear, the proverbial pain in the arse.
No, I’m not making fun of Dad, sorry.
He’s trying to be chipper is he?. Well done Dad.
Says he couldn’t be one of them homosexuals.
Oh, why’s that Mum?
Because it’s painful enough, Yeah, yeah Mum, he is quite chipper, isn’t he?
And what about you, how are you?
Using lots of toilet rolls.
Yes, you will be.
So, what did you watch on telly on the last day of the year.
Yes, 1st of January tomorrow.
Mrs Wilson went to Tescos for you.
That’s kind of her.
She got you a bumper pack of toilet rolls.
What do you think of Jim Mac Donald punching that bloke, the one,
Two for the price of one, good value wasn’t it.
No, it’s not, why’s that then.
The paper is very thin.
Well that’s the nature of paper Mum, it’s paper thin.
No, I’m not being silly Mum
Do you still watch Emmerdale?
Your fingers go, Sorry, somebody at the door,
Phone you tomorrow, Happy New Year Mum.

View original

I think it would be clearer like this......

Mum it's Jerf.......no Jerf.....your eldest son.....What do I want?...etc

It gives us the info that he is listening in the 'spaces'

Quote: paul watson @ January 1, 2008, 5:56 PM

you pressed post twice

View original

I'm confused. It's supposed to be impossible for that to happen!

*scratches head*

I've rearanged the dialogue to try to make it read easier.
It says in my 'How to Write' book, to read your work as if someone else had written it. I hope it reads easier. All suggestions welcome.

The correct way is as I have demonstrated Jerf. If an actor read your version, they wouldn't pause. The full stops or are they called elipses, tell the actor to pause. Otherwise it would be read right through and wouldn't make sense. That's why (as an actress) I had to read it twice before realising there should be pauses.