It seems a long while ago but open to a whole new audience. This is my own personal favourite bit of writing I have done.
Dan
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GRAMMAR NAZIS
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F/X:GENERAL UPROAR IN BACKGROUND: RUNNING, SHOUTING, MARCHING AND FIGHTING. EXPLOSIONS AND MACHINE-GUNS FIRING.
REPORTER:
(SHOUTING OVER NOISE) You join me on the front line as Grammar Nazis have invaded New Technology-land. Head of the invasion, General Eroteme – why the offensive?
GENERAL EROTEME:
It is time to bring purity to our once-great language by punishing those taking liberties.
REPORTER:
And how does this happen?
GENERAL EROTEME:
People having trouble deciding between parentheses and commas are introduced to one of our specialist techniques: they soon know the correct answer.
REPORTER:
Internet forum users, principal perpetrators of these heinous crimes, are being hunted down. Violators of spelling and grammar are made to suffer unnecessarily anal punctuation at concentration camps.
F/X
HOUTS AND SCREAMS IN THE BACKGROUND.
GENERAL EROTEME:
Concentrate, you idiots! Concentrate harder! HARDER!
REPORTER:
The infamous secret blogger 'N-Frnk' hid for two years in a subforum before she was betrayed by some sophisticated and unfeasibly well-documented spyware.
N-FRNK:
Before I didn't even use capital letters, let alone commas. I didn’t understand full stops period. (WAILING) Now they're trying to teach me how to use an *ellipsis*...
THERE IS A LONG PAUSE
N-FRNK:
(UNSURE) See?
F/X: SOUND OF SOMEONE BEING HIT WITH SOMETHING HARD AND A SCREAM.
GENERAL EROTEME:
No! Too long! Do you hear? Do it again!
PERSECUTEE 2:
Stop hitting her with that exclamation mark!
F/X: SOUND OF SOMEONE BEING HIT WITH SOMETHING HARD AGAIN AND ANOTHER SCREAM.
GENERAL EROTEME:
Bang!
PERSECUTEE 2:
Alright. Stop hitting her with that bang!
GENERAL EROTEME:
Better!
REPORTER:
Her journals still exist somewhere online, though she assures me it is completely unreadable. Other persecutees refuse to bow to the demands of the Grammar Nazis.
STUBBORN PERSECUTEE:
this-is-terrible-and-should-be-stopped-immediately-if-we-dont-want-to-use -any-form-of-punctuation-we-shouldnt-have-to-ive-never-used-it-and-noones -had-any-problems-understanding-what-ive-had-to-say-ever-its-always-perfectly -clear-i-will-keep-this-up-for-as-long-as-i-have-to -you-cant-make-me-break-nazis-never-never-you-hear-me
F/X: FALLS DOWN BREATHLESS, GURGLES A BIT AND MOANS IN PAIN TRYING TO CATCH BREATH
GENERAL EROTEME:
A lot of them make a rod for their own back.
REPORTER:
Why are those detainees kneeling down?
GENERAL EROTEME:
'They're, Their and There Education’: *they're* going to learn that *their* pain receptors are *there*.
F/X: SIZZLING NOISE LIKE MEAT PUSHED INTO FRYING PAN FOLLOWED BY LOUD SCREAM.
GENERAL EROTEME:
It’s a method OFSTED have recommended to some schools, you know.
F/X: WHIP
PRISONER:
(SCREAMS) Eeeeeeeeeeee!
F/X: WHIP
PRISONER:
(SCREAMS) Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
F/X: THREE WHIPS IN QUICK SUCCESSION
GENERAL EROTEME:
(SHOUTS) ‘I’ before ‘E’!
REPORTER:
What’s that horrific enclosure in the corner?
GENERAL EROTEME:
It's where the… (PAUSE - HAS DIFFICULTY SAYING) “txt-spkrs” (BEAT) go. They're beyond help!
F/X: SCREAMS AND CRYING IN BACKGROUND, ACCOMPANIED BY THE BEEPING OF MOBILE PHONE KEYS
GENERAL EROTEME:
(ANGRY) What's this? Hyphenate! HYPHENATE! And you! The digit ‘eight’ is never to be used IN THE MIDDLE OF A WORD! (TO REPORTER – NORMAL AGAIN) They have great trouble with their vowels; do you think they’ll ever be able to control their colons?
TEXT PERSECUTEE:
(SHOUTS FROM DISTANCE) They’re for the eyelines of smileys!
F/X: WHIPPING NOISE
TEXT PERSECUTEE:
Stop! I don't know! (CRIES) I DON'T KNOW!
GENERAL EROTEME:
Nobody in this enclosure can even speak in lines of greater than 132 characters.
REPORTER:
Really? (PAUSE) Do you punish *all* mistakes?
GENERAL EROTEME:
Mistakes are not tolerated.
REPORTER:
But parts of language are subjective. Couldn't some of this appear... 'overzealous'?
GENERAL EROTEME:
(ACCUSATORY) Did you just throw 'air quotes' at me?
REPORTER:
Me? (SWALLOWS NERVOUSLY)
GENERAL EROTEME:
You just used an objective personal pronoun as a complete sentence. As a question no less!
REPORTER:
What?
GENERAL EROTEME:
Interrogative pronoun with no subject or predicate! That's a confinement offence! Guard! Take this charlatan away!
F/X: SOUND OF GUARD DRAGGING REPORTER AWAY
REPORTER:
(PROGRESSIVELY MORE DISTANT) No! No! I've got a degree in English and everything! I'm a grammar fascist myself!
F/X: CELL DOOR SLAMMING SHUT AND BEING LOCKED
CPT’N CONTRACTION:
Right my dear! I'm Captain Contraction. First lesson: ‘Why the ampersand is wrong in every way.’ Bend over!
END
