The moment we walk into my parent’s bungalow, mum lunges for the milk they needed so desperately, opens the fridge & slides the 2 pints next to the big f**koff full 6 pints. Then we are ordered to sit at the table as dinner is ready.
MUM
Dinner is probably burned, frizzled, crisped. Infact dinner is most likely shit.
MY SISTER (15)
Do you like the Gothic handbag you brought me. Oh by the way you owe mum £20 for it.
ME
(Puzzled) I brought you that?
Mum starts throwing dinner plates onto the table.
ME
Are you not sitting up here with us Dad?
DAD
No. I don’t like elbows.
ME
Your so rude!
DAD
I will tell you what is rude.Rude is taking 3 f**king hours to get here.
ME
It takes you 3 hours to drive 170 miles too Dad!
Dad
(Mouth full) Yes but I leave early. I don’t hold everyone up & ruin dinner.
ME
(Looks at my watch) It is only 1.36pm. We never eat dinner at this time normally.
DAD
(Looks for a space, then slams his fist onto the coffee table. Making his collection of 8 mobile phones rattle) Well its Boxing Day god damn it.
Mum shouts to my youngest son from the kitchen.
MUM
Jack do you want roasted parsnips?
JACK
No thanks Nan.
MUM
Why not?
JACK
I don’t like them Nan.
MUM
Have you tried them?
JACK
No.
MUM
Then how do you know?
JACK
They just look disgusting.
MUM
So did your Grandad when I first met him. I still tried him out before I made a decision though. I am going to put a parsnip on your plate & you can just eat it. It might just taste for you like Grandad did for me.
JACK
(To me) Ewwwwwww! That is going on your plate mum.
We all sit down to eat. .
MUM
(To my Eldest son Kyle) Your dinner is not to hot is it?
KYLE
No Nan.
MUM
To cold?
KYLE
Its Perfect Nana Bear.
MUM
Why haven’t you eaten your Yorkshire pudding. It is home made you know?
KYLE
I just haven’t got around to it yet.
Dad
How is your turkey everyone.(Dad works on a chicken & turkey farm) I killed it myself. It said (Does a dying turkey expression) Chllllllllllllllurrrrrrrk before it expired.
We all push our turkey to the side of our plate.
Dad puts price drop TV on.
DAD
I have got some great deals on this Char.
MUM
Spends a fortune on bollox.
DAD
I work full time woman. You are just a part time lazy bitch
The two presenters are looking uncomfortable as they try to act excited about a milk frother.
DAD
(To my mum) Do we have a frother Brenda
MUM
Nope & we don’t want one either.
DAD
It doesn’t need much wrist action though Brenda. (Tries to show us a ‘how to froth’ action that looks remarkably like a wank) (Shouts at the TV, shaking his fist). Drop the price you greedy bastards. (To me) See it is 14.99 at the moment, but it will go down to about £5.00. Look watch it. I am going to get my credit card.
The Frother goes for £5.49 plus £1.50 for the call & another £8.99 P&P. I resist the urge to tell my Dad that you can buy them for £2.99 in Tesco.
DAD
Here look at these earings I got your mother for Christmas.
Dad hands me a pair of earings on a slice of cardboard. The £2.50 price tag is above the half price sale sticker.
ME
Oooooh I just can’t wait to see what you got me!
Enjoyed it a lot.
