I don't see this as a joke led sitcom, there are gaps for the odd gag. The fact that this was all but commissioned a few years ago says there isn't a lot wrong with it, perhaps a little fine tuning here and there. But that's why it's on the critique section, i'm sure bushbaby will welcome any suggestion's for gags etc.
Thanks ray. I'll just put this up and then give it a rest as that's enough about me 
Bear in mind her husband thinks she's a manicurist.
.........................................................................
SC 3
INT EVENING. LISA’S LOUNGE.
LISA’S HOME. IT IS LAVISHLY FURNISHED ALTHOUGH ONLY A TERRACED HOUSE. IT IS OTT.
LISA SUFFERS FROM IDEAS OF GRANDIER AND
WE GLEAN THAT THIS IS TO DO WITH THEIR DEBTS.
LISA
Hiya, I’m home.
JACK
COMES IN FROM THE KITCHEN WITH CUP OF TEA. AND A CAN OF BEER.
Hiya luvvy. Have you been busy?
LISA
Not half. It’s hard work doing manicures all day.
JACK
You’re only lifting a bloody paint brush.
LISA
I know but it’s the concentration that tires me out. So what have you been up to?
JACK
Er ….let me think…..well I went down to the Swan With Two Necks….The Laughing Duck…er…..
LISA
Jack you’re supposed to be job hunting.
JACK
I were but nobody wants decent staff these days.
LISA
But you’ve been going round the pubs for months since you got out.
JACK
Well, I have to double check’em luvvy. You want me to work, don’t you?
LISA
Not as a boozy barman.
JACK
Nowt wrong wi a man that likes his pint. I’d get free beer.
LISA
And we can pay our debts off with beer, can we?
JACK
Don’t be silly luvvy. Don’t be silly
LISA
Any road, enough of beer talk. I’ll be on champers tomorrow.
JACK
Tomorrow, what’s special about tomorrow?
HE BELCHES AND SWIGS HIS BEER.
LISA EYES HIM WITH DISGUST.
JACK
Come on…you don’t pour champers down yer crop for nowt.
LISA……DRAMATIC
Tomorrow is the first day of my life.
JACK…. PUZZLED
Eh?
LISA HUMS HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG.
JACK
Why do you always sing when I’m trying to fall out with you?
SHE CARRIES ON LOUDER.
Will you shut up?
LISA
No, you shut up. You still don’t get it, do you?
JACK
Damn right, I have to put up with reading about it.
LISA
Not that……I’m forty tomorrow….forty.
JACK
Oh bloody hell luvvy, bloody hell. I forgot.
LISA
Since when did you ever remember?
JACK
I sent you a Christmas card last year.
LISA
Yea, the same one you’d sent me the year before.
JACK
It cost me a lot of money that card did. It seemed a shame to throw it away.
LISA
Any road, I’m going out with the girls for mi birthday.
JACK
Over my dead body.
HE SWIGS BEER.
LISA
If need be.
JACK
You’re my wife and you’ll do as I say. And I say you’re not.
LISA
Yes I am.
JACK
Oh no you’re not. We’ll celebrate together as is only right and proper.
LISA
And where’s your money to buy me champagne?
JACK
You can lend us some till I get me giro
LISA
You said that last week.
JACK
Aye, well, when mi compensation comes….
LISA
When’s that? The twelfth of never? It’s been on its way for two years. By the time you get it, it’ll have grown fungus and whiskers. Meanwhile I intend to get a life.
JACK
You go out tomorrow and you won’t get back in.
LISA
REALISES SHE’S NOT GOING TO WIN THIS BATTLE. SHE CONSIDERS WHAT TO SAY THEN BURSTS INTO FAKE CRYING.
JACK
Oh, don’t cry luvvy. I were only kidding. Come on luvvy don’t be silly, don’t be silly.
LISA
I’m fed up of work and bed. I never go anywhere. All I do all day is paint soddin’ finger nails. I didn’t think you’d mind. I mean, you went out with the lads on your fortieth. I wouldn’t be late.
SHE VIEWS HIS REACTION FROM THE CORNER OF HER EYE. SHE KNOWS HOW TO MANIPULATE HIM.
JACK……CONSIDERS.
Who’s going then?
LISA
EXCITED NOW AND SPEAKS QUICKLY WHEN SHE LIES.
Everybody. You know, all the staff. They’re treating me, I mean where’s my money for champagne? It’ll be really, really good because they’ve found a really nice club….just for women and Maggie said she’ll bring me home. Now, I can’t get into trouble with an old woman, can I?
JACK
So, there wouldn’t be any blokes there?
LISA
No, not at all.
JACK
And what time would you be back?
LISA
Only about two o’clock.
JACK
No, I’m not ‘avin’ that. Two o’clock? No chance. You can come in at ten and like it.
LISA
They stay up later than that in prison, and you should know.
JACK
Oh, I knew that were comin’.
LISA
Well, you weren’t bothered then what time I came in. You were ‘aving a fine time.
JACK
Oh, a fine time was it? It still hurts when I sit down when I think of that dump. Any road, you’re not going woman and that’s final.
JACK: Oh a fine time was it? It still hurts when i sit down at the thought of that place.
Done.
Personally I don't think opening with knob jokes harms a sitcom - just ask Rik and Ade. That's a whole career built on them. But it does limit its available time slots and the channels.
Well done on almost getting the commission, too, BushBaby. I liked the opening but the formatting was hard to get through. I'd put a blank line between the dialogue of one character and the name tag of the next to make it more enticing to the eye.
Yes, I agree but the format is different when I cut and paste. It's all double spaced and centre page in my Word document.
I rather think the 'series' is more 'Shameless' than sitcom, well the people are rough in it 
Quote: bushbaby @ December 30, 2007, 12:52 PMYes, I agree but the format is different when I cut and paste. It's all double spaced and centre page in my Word document.
I rather think the 'series' is more 'Shameless' than sitcom, well the people are rough in it
Yeah, it certainly felt more Shameless than a standard sitcom, that's a good analogy.
Quote: bushbaby @ December 30, 2007, 10:15 AMI sent it to the beebs writers room last year but they rejected it. So Ch 4, ITV, and the beeb can't use it. I think the other companies would perhaps take it but then they have to sell it on for broadcasting and use ITV etc for funding etc, so it's a catch 22...that most of us writers are in
Sorry - I don't understand this. Why can't you send it to these places. No-one's paid you have they? You still retain the rights to do what you want with it.
I think she means they won't look at it again once it's been rejected.
That's right Ray. Pointless trying the same companies again.
Sorry - I thought you said you'd only sent it to BBC.
Anyway there's loads of production companies nowadays.
Quote: bushbaby @ December 30, 2007, 11:26 AMYes, I couldn't think of a smart reply for that one. Maybe I shouldn't classify it as a sitcom.
LISA
Somewhere, where they’ve never heard of chocolate
MAGGIE
The Home for the Hard-of-Hearing?
This is further along. Lisa has been to a restaurant with Phil where he meets a friend and is invited to his party.
..............................................................
SC8 INT SEBASTIAN'S
SEB’S PAD IS MORE OF A MANSION. THEY ENTER WITH SEB AND COATS ARE HUNG IN THE CLOAKROOM. LISA IS IN AWE AS SHE GOES INTO THE PARTY ROOM. PARTY IS IN FULL FLOW AND LISA /PHILIP ARE LEAD TO A BAR AT ONE END.
WE WATCH FROM A DISTANCE FOR A WHILE AND SEE SEVERAL GUESTS BEING INTRODUCED TO LISA. WE THEN COME IN CLOSE ON ONE OF THE GUESTS.
GUEST 1
We’ve got tickets for Pavarotti next month.
LISA
TIPSY AND TRYING TO SPEAK POSH.
Oh, I absolutely adore ballet
PHILIP
EMBARRASSED AND LAUGHS
Isn’t she just a jest?
GUEST FALLS FOR IT AND LAUGHS TOO. LISA LOOKS PUZZLED. ANOTHER GUEST TAPS PHILIP ON THE SHOULDER.
GUEST 2
Phil, I’d like your opinion on a project I’ve got in mind..
HE LEADS PHIL AWAY FROM THE GROUP AND LISA IS LEFT ON HER OWN WITH THEM.
THE FOLLOWING ‘HECKLING’ IS A TYPE OF HUMOUR IN THE UPPER CLASS AND SOMETIMES USED TO SEE IF THE NEWCOMER IS ACTUALLY ‘ONE’ OF THEM.
GUEST 3
She has thick lips, hasn’t she?
GUEST 4
She has rather.
LISA IS HORRIFIED BUT DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO REACT. SHE SWIGS DOWN HER WINE.
GUEST 3
PULLS LISA’S ELASTICATED WAIST BAND AND LOOKS DOWN HER SKIRT.
Ah, stretch marks. Several children then?
HE LOOKS DOWN AGAIN
Not a true blonde either.
THE GROUP LAUGH AT THIS BUT LISA IS BECOMING DESTROYED.
GUEST 2
You can see that by her roots.
GUEST 4
She’d be quite hunki-dori if she’d lose about…what…five stone?
GUEST 3
The problem is, what does she weigh without her make-up? Dresses well though, that’s just got to be a Versace top.
GUEST 2
Oxfam?
GUEST 4
I’d say more Help The Aged.
LISA
Listen you pompous little twats. I couldn’t give a shit what you think of me. I know I’m a f*ckin’ lady
I‘ve more manners than you lot put together. And for your info, these aren’t even my sodding clothes. So stuff your opinions up your arses.
SHE STALKS OFF OUT OF THE ROOM. PHIL IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN. SHE FINDS HER COAT THEN SPOTS A MORE EXPENSIVE ONE SO TAKES THAT AND LEAVES.
Quote: JohnnyD @ December 30, 2007, 2:44 PMLISA
Somewhere, where they’ve never heard of chocolate
MAGGIE
The Home for the Hard-of-Hearing?
Thanks Johnny but I don't think Maggie would come out with that. She's not a witty character, more like the mother in the Royle family. Anything she says that does come across as funny is said by her 'subconciously'...i.e. when she says 'Dirty Harry must have some class then'..........She really means it but to the listener it would be funny, hopefully, i.e. she's finding some good in Harry regardless that he is a 'filthy' bugger and obviously has no class
Again this is good stuff, just the Pavortti line to change.
Yes, I thought that, I was trying to think of another...that Andreas and couldn't recall his surname....(old age creeping up on me)
It's Boroceli or something