Too Much Of Nothing

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to put up five pages of script on here or indeed if anyone can be bothered to wade through them but here goes. This is the start of a sitcom.
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TOO MUCH OF NOTHING
Titles and Credits.
Over the titles Lisa is on a bus travelling to work. Two women sit in front of her and two women behind .Her sports bag is on the seat next to her. Lisa is about to be transformed during the bus journey from an ordinary looking woman, to a glamorous, tarty one. The other women passengers help her. As she changes her shoes from trainers to high heels and blouse to sexy top etc. Eager hands take, give, pack her belongings for her. Her hair is flat and plain at the start of the journey but with her ‘helpers’ holding grips, passing hairspray, make-up etc her hair is bouffed, her make-up glamorous by the time she alights the bus.
When the transformation is complete, Lisa and the other passengers resume normal passenger behaviour and it is as if nothing has happened as they continue their journey.
Lisa gets off the bus and we follow her to work at the beauty salon.
The name of the salon is Sally’s Beauty Parlour.
Over the credits the above process is reversed as Lisa travels home. The same passengers help her to revert to a ‘respectable’ look. Her husband Jack has no idea that it is a massage parlour too.
The above film can be speeded up to give an added touch of comedy.

Suggested music.
Lawdy Miss Clawdy…….Elvis Presley
I’m Gonna Live Till I Die.

Episode 1 – 1
Too Much Of Nothing.
‘Life Begins At Forty’
SC1 Day Sally’s Salon
THE SCENE IS SET IN A BEAUTY PARLOUR THE DÉCOR AND FURNISHINGS ARE ULTRA-FEMININE, CLASSY AND BUBBLE GUM PINK. EVEN THE TELEPHONE IS PINK. THIS IS THE RECEPTION AREA BUT THERE IS MORE TO THIS SALON THAN MEETS THE EYE.
MAGGIE
Mornin’
LISA
Morn
SHE GOES THROUGH TO THE BACK ROOM.

MAGGIE (approx 60yrs old)
SPEAKS IN LANCS ACCENT AND IS TAKING PAYMENT FROM A CLIENT.
Ooh! Your nails look gorgeous. Are you pleased with them?
CLIENT
DISPLAYS HER LONG MANICURED FALSE NAILS
Yea, I’ll really be able to scratch his eyes out now.
THEY BOTH CHUCKLE AND CLIENT LEAVES
Bye luv.
MAN ENTERS SALON AND GOES TO THE DESK.
SPEAKS WITH CUT GLASS ACCENT.
DICK DICKS
Good morning.
MAGGIE
Morning. Have you got an appointment sir?
DICK DICKS
I have indeed the name’s Dick Dicks.
MAGGIE
TAPS KEYS ON COMPUTER.
Your mother must have had a good sense of humour.
DICK DICKS
How did you know that?
MAGGIE
Just intuition. Are you the one with an Indian head?
DICK DICKS
I beg your pardon.
MAGGIE
The Dick with an Indian head… massage appointment. We’ve got a boat load of clients today and I think Tanya’s got some appointments mixed up.
DICK DICKS
Oh, well, I was booked in for a back massage. It’s my first visit here.
MAGGIE
CONSULTS THE SCREEN.
Ah, here you are. Eleven o’clock, back massage.
DICK DICKS
Oh, good.
LISA ENTERS, SHE TOO SPEAKS WITH A LANCS ACCENT BUT TRIES TO SPEAK POSH WHEN TALKING TO CLIENTS.
LISA
Ah, morning. I’m Lisa Carr. That’s Leeser with an S not Lizer with a zee. You must be Mr Cox.

DICK DICKS
Dicks.
LISA
Well I knew it had some connection. Would you like to come through?
WE FOLLOW THEM INTO A MASSAGE ROOM WHICH IS ULTRA MALE IN DÉCOR.
LISA
If you’ll just get your kit off and slip this towel round you, we can start.
DICK LOOKS PUZZLED.
Oh, it’s your first time here isn’t it? If you’ll go behind the screen, undress and come out when you’re ready…..
CUT TO RECEPTION AREA.
CLIENT
POSH ACCENT.
Yes, Rupert Smith. I rang last week to make an appointment…er….special services. Rupert isn’t my real name. HE SNORTS AS HE LAUGHS.
One has to be so careful, doesn’t one?
MAGGIE
Oh, one does. You’re booked in with ….Tanya Hyde.

You've started off with knob jokes.

I don't think that's really the best way to kick off a sitcom.

ok

I quite like this, i love those names that are a joke in themselves. Tanya Hide!
Have to agree with seefacts on the knob joke, lots of scope for routines to replace it. A lot of visual gags to be had here methinks, costumes etc.

Thanks both of you. But I wonder how you can have a sitcom set in a massage parlour without knob jokes...teehee

It seems a good start and I'm sure you know where it's going. As you say in a massage parlour you can't help but have knob gags - or condoms as they are known.

Be interesting to see more. Did you do lots of research?

Quote: David Chapman @ December 29, 2007, 9:29 PM

It seems a good start and I'm sure you know where it's going. As you say in a massage parlour you can't help but have knob gags - or condoms as they are known.

Be interesting to see more. Did you do lots of research?

View original

No!!! Just used my imagination

RUPERT SMITH
Gosh, is that her real name?
MAGGIE
Sir most of us don’t use our real names. Company policy. Any road, Tanya’s a new girl…
RUPERT SMITH
LOOKS DISAPPOINTED.
Oh dear.
MAGGIE
Well, that’s why you’re getting a discount luv. She’s not as experienced as the other girls with Special Services and she takes longer.
RUPERT SMITH
PLEASED AT THIS BUT TRYING NOT TO SHOW IT.
Oh, no problem. That’s fine.
MAGGIE
She’s a bit raw round the edges yet, but I must warn you, she can be heavy handed. I keep tellin’ her…
RUPERT SMITH
GETTING REALLY EXCITED.
I’m sure I’ll cope.
CUT TO MASSAGE ROOM. DICK IS LYING ON A BED FACE DOWN WITH A TOWEL HIDING HIS MODESTY. LISA IS MASSAGING HIS BACK WITH OIL.
DICK DICKS
So, what’s an attractive girl like you doing here. You should be a model. LISA LOOKS VERY LIKE VANESSA FELTZ, OVERWEIGHT AND NOT NICE LOOKING.
LISA. CHUCKLES
Not so much of the young, I’m forty.
DICK DICKS MOCK SURPRISE.
No! I don’t believe it. You are amazing.
LISA
Well, actually I lie. It’s my fortieth birthday tomorrow.
DICK DICKS
SPIES HIS CHANCE.
Oh, so your life begins then. I’ll have to take you for a birthday…..
LISA
We’re not allowed to date clients, company policy.

FADE OUT
FADE IN
SAME DAY
LISA ENTERS AND DISPLAYS THE CLOSED SIGN.
LISA
Phew, only lunchtime and I’m whacked already
SHE SITS DOWN AND GETS OUT HER PACKED LUNCH. MAGGIE POURS TWO COFFEES FROM THE PERCULATOR AND JOINS HER.
MAGGIE
Have the girls gone out for lunch?
LISA
Yes.
MAGGIE
So go on then Lisa how did you go on with Dirty Harry?
LISA
Don’t ask Maggie, not while I’m eating at least. I can still smell his musty beard. He wanted me to spray him all over with chocolate this morning and then lick it off.
MAGGIE
Agh! You didn’t.
LISA
I tried telling him we didn’t have any but he’d brought his own. At least it were Cadbury’s and not that cheap German stuff.
MAGGIE
Ah well, he must have some class.
LISA
Yea, but he’ll ruin mi bloody diet.
SHE CHOMPS ON SANDWICH
I wish I could afford to get away.
MAGGIE
And where would you go to luv?
LISA
Somewhere, where they’ve never heard of chocolate
MAGGIE
If it weren’t chocolate it’d be summat else
LISA
Yea. But I wish I didn’t have to work here.
MAGGIE
Things’ll look up once your Jack gets his compensation payment. You’ll be quids in then.
LISA
If I can get mi mitts on it. That’s the only reason I’m staying. The solicitor ses it’ll be 70 grand.
MAGGIE
What! I wouldn’t mind getting’ mugged and stabbed for that much.. What I couldn’t do wi’ 70 grand is nobody’s business.
LISA
I know but it’ll all have to go to paying our debts off.
MAGGIE
You never owe that much!
LISA
I’m up to mi eyelashes Maggie. I only need blink and I weep red reminders.
MAGGIE
Jese, I could live comfortably on that for another 60 years and still have some change. Eh I’d be able to afford a facelift and mi hair coloured every month.
LISA
You don’t need a facelift and your hair’s nice. It looks distinguished all pink-rinsed and that. Well, it will once you get your roots done.
MAGGIE
If you think this is nice you should have seen mi when I were a young’n. It were thick red locks right down to mi bum. Oh yes, it caused many a head to turn. Eee, them were the days.
LISA
I bet you never thought you’d end up working in a massage parlour.
MAGGIE
True….only I didn’t get a hands-on job, did I?
LISA
Have a go on Dirty Harry.
MAGGIE
I’m not interested and I’m not keen on chocolate either. Besides, Sally took me on to give some respectability and class to the joint and I daren’t cross her. Where else can a fading beauty get a job? I sometimes think I shouldn’t be working here….but at least we offer a service.
LISA
Yea and it’s not as if we do full blown sex, is it?
MAGGIE
I’d never get it my age.

I just read your profile bushbaby - is this the sitcom that was nearly accepted but then was called too risquee at the last minute?

Yes it is. I sent it to Channel 4 and they really liked it but couldn't fit it in at the time, so they forwarded it to Andy Harris who was then the head of comedy for ITV. He rang me and said it was really good but felt that it was too risque and had I anything else but I hadn't at the time. That was about 1998

Quote: bushbaby @ December 30, 2007, 12:10 AM

Yes it is. I sent it to Channel 4 and they really liked it but couldn't fit it in at the time,

View original

Oooh er missus.

I'm tempted to shout for more, i really like this, i'm sure there's a market for it. You really bring out the Lancastrian accent. I may have asked this before but did you try other production companies. This is far better than the one shown on channel 4 last year(the one in the brothel i mean)

Quote: Ray Dawson @ December 30, 2007, 9:47 AM

I'm tempted to shout for more, i really like this, i'm sure there's a market for it. You really bring out the Lancastrian accent. I may have asked this before but did you try other production companies. This is far better than the one shown on channel 4 last year(the one in the brothel i mean)

View original

I sent it to the beebs writers room last year but they rejected it. So Ch 4, ITV, and the beeb can't use it. I think the other companies would perhaps take it but then they have to sell it on for broadcasting and use ITV etc for funding etc, so it's a catch 22...that most of us writers are in

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LISA
I’m forty, well over the hill.
MAGGIE
Oh yes, I meant to ask. Doing anything exciting for your birthday tomorrow?
LISA
Please don’t split on me Maggie but I’ve got a date with Philip. He’s taking me for a champagne dinner.
MAGGIE
STARES, GOBSMACKED AT LISA.
You mean Philip that comes in here?
LISA NODS
Bloody Nora, Lisa. If Slaggy Sally finds out you’re dating a client, you’ll get shot at dawn.
LISA
Promise you won’t say anything.
MAGGIE
Who me? I’m saying diddly squat.
LISA
I’ve got to get some life and if I can’t start at forty, when can I start?
MAGGIE
It’s daft starting with a married man. His wife’ll go mad.
LISA
I’m sick of having too much of nothing. I want some fun.
MAGGIE
You have fun here don’t you? Half the spinsters in the town’d give their right arm for your job.
LISA
I know but once you get used to it, it’s just like peeling spuds, innit? I wouldn’t mind if it even put me off food, at least I’d be slim.
MAGGIE
Ooh, we are down in the dumps.
LISA
That’s why I need some fun and I’ll not find it with Jack, he farts boredom.
MAGGIE
The grass is always greener but you find that when you get on it, it’s just as many weeds, if not more.
LISA
I’ll risk it. I can always find a nice handsome gardener.
THEY BOTH LAUGH.
Any road, I’ve made mi mind up. From tomorrow I’m going to live till I die.

MAGGIE
And how are you going to afford that?
LISA
I’m not. I intend to find a filthy-stinking rich man.
MAGGIE
Filthy-stinking rich men don’t bother with our sort luv.
LISA
Philip’s not bad for starters.
MAGGIE
Is he rich?
LISA
I don’t know for sure but at least he can afford champagne dinners. All Jack can afford is jack shit.
MAGGIE
And what will he say to you going out on the razzle-dazzle?
LISA
I haven’t told him yet.
MAGGIE
STARES AT LISA
Do you want a double brandy in that?
THEY BOTH LAUGH RAUCOUSLY.

I liked the title sequence. I think more Bob Dylan song titles would make good sitcom names.
But I found myself waiting for the jokes. For instance after:
LISA
Somewhere, where they’ve never heard of chocolate
MAGGIE
...

Quote: JohnnyD @ December 30, 2007, 11:22 AM

I liked the title sequence. I think more Bob Dylan song titles would make good sitcom names.
But I found myself waiting for the jokes. For instance after:
LISA
Somewhere, where they’ve never heard of chocolate
MAGGIE
...

View original

Yes, I couldn't think of a smart reply for that one. Maybe I shouldn't classify it as a sitcom.