We load up the car for the 3 hour drive from Berkhamsted to Norfolk. I make a call to my mother to inform her we are leaving now. Her response is to “Hurry up then. Drive at top speed but dont crash”.
My Moby rings
ME
Hi mum.
MUM
I need some milk. Can you get me some on the way, thanks, bye.
15 minutes later. Moby goes off.
MUM
Did you get my milk yet Char?
ME
No Mother we are hurtling down the M25 at the moment
MUM
I really need that milk
ME
Well it is not going to get there any quicker than me is it?
30 minutes later mum rings again. I ignore it until the 6th ring.
MUM
“How long are you going to be, the dinner is nearly ready?
ME
About 2 hours Mother
MUM
Oh for f**k sake!! The turkey will be shrivelled & the veg will be cold. If you had left at 5am you would have been here by now. I am putting your father on
DAD
This is your Dad here. (He always informs me of that, like I still am unaware after 36 years). Your mum is very upset. She wanted you here already. Why are you kids so self indulged. It’s all me, me, me with you lot. I am gasping for a cup of tea. Did you get that milk yet?”
ME
I am on the M11 Dad
DAD
Yes well that just shows how selfish you are.
Finally we get to the broads & the only garage open is run by a man with a split in his nostrils. He looks like some form of deranged hound.. He offers me 2 pint full fat milk, covered in oily fingertips & a chewed lid. I take it. Making a mental note to have coffee mate.
3 minutes later my moby rings.
MUM
Did you get that milk yet?
ME
Yes Mother but they only have full fat
SILENCE followed by
MUM
We don’t do full fat, your father will cry if I serve him tea with that”
ME
It is all they had Mother
MUM
Yes well see if you had left at 5am like we told you too, you would have probably got to that garage before they ran out of semi skimmed.
ME
If you had brought more milk to begin with Mother you would have had it already.
MUM
That’s it blame me. (Shouts to my Dad) Peter, Charlene is shouting abuse at me & she has only gone & picked up full fat milk.
I can hear my Dad in the background moaning. He then comes to the phone.
DAD
Charlene how dare you talk to your Mother like that! Only I am allowed to belittle & upset her. Anyway what’s all this about full fat milk. That contains diseases you know.
ME
Well it doesn’t seem to affect the cow.
DAD
Well your mother is immune to everything” (Deep elongated OTT sigh). Just hurry up & get here.
We arrive at my parent’s street, pull over & sit in the car for 5 minutes to enjoy our last few minutes of sanity.
Very nice. 
