Hey everyone at the forum! I'm new here and would like to say this is a brilliant idea!!! I'm always looking for people to read and comment on my stuff!
Anyways, here's a copy of a pilot I'm working on. Feel free to read and please, please, please comment!! It's a first draft so I need all of your thoughts!
Thanks in advance!
INT. BASEMENT OF AN ELECTRONICS SHOP. MORNING
Two guys, MIKE, an extremely tall bloke with dark spikey hair in his late twenties, and ALEX, a hip hop looking guy with ginger hair in his mid twenties, stand in front of a group of six people TYNAN, MATT, LIZ, BETTS, MARCUS and GORDON. Mike is referring to a paper in his hand.
MIKE
...So we have Lewis coming down today-
Someone randomly breaks into a chorus of Louis, Louis, Louis to the tune of Keiser Cheifs’ Ruby, Ruby, Ruby.
MIKE
SO I expect everyone to be on their best behavior. (beat) Tynan-this means you.
Tynan, a cherub cheeked guy in his early twenties, sits holding a coffee in his hand. He looks at Mike and gives a shrug of confusion. Then gives a quick cheeky grin to the rest of the staff.
MIKE
Oh yeah, and welcome back to Marcus. Glad to have you back mate, hope you’re feeling better.
Marcus, a geeky looking chap in his late thirties, sits on a stool with a hanky in his hand. His nose is red raw from wiping it. He sniffles.
TYNAN
Yeah Marcus! How’s the cold anyway? I’ll have you know, I woke up last week with no legs and still made it to work.
Betts, a woman in her early fifties, is sitting next to Tynan and starts shaking her head disapprovingly.
BETTS
Tynan! That’s extremely offensive to people that really don’t have legs.
Tynan takes a quick look around the room. Then punches the air.
TYNAN
Yeeeeah!
Gordon, a short, skinny bloke in his early twenties, is sitting on the table.
GORDON
Tynan, why are you such a dickhead?
TYNAN
Some say it’s a gift-
MIKE
-Alright, alright. Let’s get up there.
The group get up and start to walk up the stairs. A gangster rap ring tone goes off.
MIKE
And no phones on the floor you losers!
CUT TO:
INT. ELECTRONICS STORE. FRONT TILLS. MORNING.
Liz, a punky looking girl in her mid twenties, and Betts are standing at the till trying to sort through some paper work. A customer comes up to the til with an empty box in his hand. Betts grabs it.
Tynan, Matt and Gordon are standing at the back counter having a very animated chat. A doorbell can be heard ringing above them. They all pause their conversation and look slowly towards the front of the store.
TYNAN
Oh, for f**k’s sake. I’ll go.
Tynan walks to the tills.
TYNAN
Yeah?
Betts stands waving the empty box above her head.
TYNAN
Do you want something?
She continues to wave the empty box above her head, looking right at Tynan.
BETTS
I need some stock please.
Tynan snatches the box from Betts’ hand.
TYNAN
Well, why the hell didn’t you just say that then?
He starts to walk to the back of the shop and off camera.
TYNAN
(under his breath) Stupid old bint!
BETTS
Will that be all you need today then, sir?
CUSTOMER
Um, yes thank you.
BETTS
Well, if you buy this catalogue for four pounds, which is actually free, you can use the coupons inside that are worth five pounds and they you get to save some money and get a catalogue.
The customer stands in front of her, dumbfounded.
CUSTOMER
So. (beat) I get to save five pounds?
BETTS
No you get this catalogue and get to save a pound when you buy the catalogue and use the five pound coupon.
Tynan walks up and slams the full box on the counter, gives Betts a head shake and walks away.
CUSTOMER
Please just give me my stuff.
BETTS
Fair enough sir, I just thought everyone would want to save some money with a five pound coupon.
CUSTOMER
I’ll give you five pounds right now if you just hurry-the-hell-up.
BETTS
No reason to use that kind of language, sir.
She grabs the bag and hands it to him.
BETTS
See you again!
CUSTOMER
Not bloody likely.
The customer heads out the door.
THE CAMERA PANS AWAY FROM THE COUNTER TO THE FRONT DOOR.
Tynan and Liz are standing chatting at the front door. Liz is greeting customers as they enter.
Alex wanders over.
ALEX
So what we up to guys?
TYNAN
I’m in my section like you told me to be.
ALEX
No, you’re at the door. Take three steps back.
Tynan scratches his head confused but still takes three steps backwards.
ALEX
There. Now you’re in your section.
Tynan scratches his head thoughtfully again.
TYNAN
Do you have some mental retardation we don’t know about?
ALEX
Just work your section mate.
TYNAN
Woah, woah, woah. No one said anything about working around here.
Mike walks by with a customer, telling them about routers, the camera follows him.
MIKE
But if you wanted to use it in the attic I’d suggest this one with the boosted signal.
He picks up a router box to show the customer the details.
CUSTOMER
Interesting, I’ll take that into consideration, thank you. (beat) Oh, do you price match by any chance?
Mike pauses.
MIKE
(gritting his teeth) No. No we don’t.
CUSTOMER
Ah, that’s a shame. The same thing is on t’internet for ten pounds cheaper. I’ll just get it off there.
Customer walks away.
MIKE
MUTHA F--
Matt walks up behind Mike.
MATT
--Hey tallest manager in the world?
MIKE
(sigh) Must you keep referring to me like that? I know I’m tall but I do have feelings.
MATT
Yeah sure Crouch-itini. Look, will you sort this out mate. Alex told me to start dusting but I think Tynan should be the one to do it. I mean his section is a bleeding disgrace.
Mike and Matt both look over to Tynan’s section.
CUT TO:
INT. ELECTRONICS STORE. TYNAN’S COMPUTER SECTION. DAY.
Items sit on shelves dusty and covered in cobwebs. A tumble weed shaped dust ball rolls by.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. ELECTRONICS STORE. DAY.
Matt and Mike glance back over from Tynan’s section.
MATT
I mean there’s even a piece of ham on the floor. HAM! Mike.
MIKE
No, there’s...
Mike takes a peek around the shelving unit.
MIKE
-Christ almighty there is ham on the floor. TYNAN!? Look, I’ve got enough on my hands with Louis coming down.
Gordon passes by singing Louis, Louis, Louis again.
MIKE
Stop that! (beat) Someone just dust something, I don’t care who. You two dickheads just sort this out.
Mike walks away to a customer who is frantically trying to wave him down.
MATT
Oh. We’ll sort this out alright.
CUT TO:
INT. ELECTRONICS STORE. BACK COUNTER. DAY.
Matt and Tynan are playing rock, paper, scissors. It slowly progresses into a girly fist fight.
TYNAN
Rubbish!
CUT TO:
INT. SHOP FLOOR. DAY.
The doors of the shop swing open. A flash car is seen parked right out front. The Baywatch theme song plays over top.
In walks LEWIS, a well dressed man in his mid forties with a shock of sandy blonde haired styled to perfection in a bouncy pompadour.
He pauses at the front of the store to have a look around.
Mike walks up to him. He shakes his hand.
MIKE
Hey Lewis. How was the drive from Nottingham?
LEWIS
Not bad, Michael. Not bad. (beat) What’s with this music? This isn’t part of the store radio.
MIKE
No. Gordon’s been testing out some speakers at the back. God knows why he’s got Baywatch on his mp3 player. (beat) Weird kid.
The Baywatch theme goes quiet.
Mike puts his hands in his pockets and leans back on his heels.
MIKE
So...
LEWIS
Let’s get cracking then. Got two more stores to see before the end of the day.
MIKE
Oh yeah for sure. Follow me then, I’ll show you what we’ve done to the office.
Mike leads the way and Lewis follows quickly behind him. He pushes his hand through his sandy blonde pompadour, Fonzie style, as he walks.
The camera follows them to the disco section of the store, they exit the shot.
INT. ELECTRONICS STORE. DISCO SECTION. DAY
Gordon is animatedly talking to Matt who is trying to re-position one of the many disco lights.
GORDON
So, I says to her, I says, look honey if you go with me you’ll not regret it. And then out of no where her boyfriend comes up to me- he was bloody massive I tell you- like at least six six and taps me on the shoulder.
MATT
Uh-huh.
Matt tries to fain the least bit of interest as he is fiddling with the lights.
GORDON
And he was like “listen here mate, don’t make me hurt you” and I was like “Oh yeah? Because I’ll bang you out”.
Alex walks into frame.
He is texting on his mobile phone.
ALEX
What we up to then guys?
MATT
Just trying to get these bleeding lights to stay in one position.
GORDON
I was just telling Matty batty about how I almost took out a guy three times my size.
ALEX
By take out do you mean, on a date?
Gordon gives a quick look of anger.
GORDON
(defensive) NO! No, I meant I’d bang him out. And I could have, if his missus didn’t lead him outside.
Matt and Alex both give passing glances to each other.
ALEX
Right. Well. Matt, I thought I asked you to clean the front end of the store?
MATT
Yeah, you did mate- but unfortunately things come up.
ALEX
Things?
CUT TO:
INT. SHOP FLOOR TILLS. FLASHBACK.
Betts is standing at the tills, she is covering her eyes with her arm. The background is cloudy and smokey to indicate that it’s a flashback.
BETTS
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Matt. Your disco light is hitting me in the eye. I can feel a migraaaaaaine coming on.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. ELECTRONICS STORE. DISCO SECTION. DAY.
MATT
Yeah, things.
Alex looks at his mobile phone.
ALEX
Fine, well I expect things to be sorted out soon. Louis is here after all. Don’t want him to think we’re all incompetent.
The doorbell can be heard going off again.
BETTS (O.S.)
CAN I HAVE SOME STOCK PLEEEEEASE?
Tynan makes a quick pass in front of them, hitting Matt on the shoulder as he goes by.
TYNAN
Tag, you’re it.
MATT
Nooooooo. (beat) Damn you Tynan.
Matt turns to Alex.
MATT
Why aren’t you going? You’re assistant manager!
ALEX.
I would do but, I’m here to delegate, not do. (beat) Has anyone seen Mike?
The bell goes off again.
Matt lets out a SIGH and walks towards the front.
Alex walks off towards the office. The camera follows him.
Alex opens the office door with his keys.
INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE. DAY.
Mike and Lewis are sitting in the office.
Both have a martini glass in their hands and they are laughing wildly.
They both stop dead when Alex comes in.
ALEX
Oh. Um. I just thought I’d get some change for- (beat) Are you guys drinking martinis?
MIKE
Don’t be daft. It’s all apple-no tini.
Alex backs out of the office and closes the door.
LEWIS
Well, Michael you clearly have everything under control here.
CUT TO:
INT. SHOP FLOOR. DAY.
The store is in shambles. Boxes are everywhere. The cues at the tills are extended right around the shop. Employees are running around willy nilly. Customers are frantically trying to get someone’s attention.
The bell at the back of the store is going off continuously.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE. DAY.
MIKE
I like to think so.
A crash is heard off camera.
Mike goes to the door and pokes his head out.
CUT TO:
INT. SHOP FLOOR. DAY.
Matt and Tynan are catapulting pens from one end of the store to the other with elastic bands. Matt lets one go and another crash can be heard off screen.
MATT
Nearly to the wall. You can’t beat that.
MIKE
What the hell are you doing?
Both Matt and Tynan stop what they are doing.
MATT
Sorting it out. Like you said.
MIKE
Can you guys sort it out more by, oh I don’t know-CLEANING? I mean you’re making more of a mess than you’ve cleaned up.
TYNAN
The loser will take care of it. Don’t you worry your giant head about it.
Mike steps out of the office completely.
MIKE
I’m not a giant.
Matt and Tynan look at each other.
TYNAN
How tall are you?
MIKE
Six foot fo-
TYNAN
-GIANT!
Mike walks back into the office visibly annoyed.
Tynan is lining up a shot. He pulls the pen back.
TYNAN
Watch this.
CUT TO:
INT. ELECTRONICS STORE. FRONT TILLS. DAY.
Liz and Betts are standing at the tills. There is a small line forming. The phone rings.
BETTS
Frequency Electronics, this is Betts, how can I help you? (beat) Uh-huh. (beat) Uh-huh. Ok sir, just a second.
Betts puts the phone to her chest.
BETTS
TYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYNAN!
Tynan steps to the counter with a handful of pens.
TYNAN
Betts, I’m standing right here for god’s sake.
She hands him the phone.
Liz is bagging up a customer’s purchase.
LIZ
(in a non British accent)
There, I’ve double bagged that for you. Just in case.
CUSTOMER
Oh, lovely. (beat) Say, you’re not from around here are you?
The customer chuckles to himself.
LIZ
You’re very intuitive sir, you’re right I’m not. What tipped you off?
CUSTOMER
(beat) Well. Um. Because you’re accent is weird. Are you American or something?
LIZ
Canadian.
CUSTOMER
OH! Canadian. I have friends in Vancouver! Are you from Vancouver?
LIZ
No. Niagara Falls.
CUSTOMER
Oh, I’ve never been there. But Vancouver is lovely.
LIZ
So I hear.
CUSTOMER
You should really get out there if you ever get the chance. Beautiful.
LIZ
Yeah, I’ll bear that in mind sir. As I’m eight thousand miles away.
The customer grabs his bag and gives a big smile to Liz. He walks towards the door and the camera follows. He walks past Tynan who is just hanging up the phone.
CUSTOMER
You have a Canadian in your midsts. Lovely people they are.
Tynan looks over to Liz.
TYNAN
Liz, you’re Canadian? Why didn’t you ever say anything?
LIZ
Bite me Tynan.
Tynan turns back to the customer.
TYNAN
Yes, lovely people.
CUT TO:
INT. ELECTRONICS STORES. TOOLS SECTION. DAY.
Mike is showing Lewis around the store.
MIKE
So we figured that if we put the storage boxes up on the top shelves it would free up-
A scream is heard off camera.
MIKE
-some. Space. (beat) I’ll be right back.
Mike walks over to the back counter where Matt is standing holding his hand, that appears to be bleeding just a bit.
MATT
Come on then.
Tynan raises his hand and gets ready to smash a light bulb with his fist.
MIKE
Stop! What. The. Hell?
MATT
We’re settli-
MIKE
Yeah, yeah. You’re settling it. So I heard. Look, I’ll settle this right now. Matt, get dusting. Tynan-pick up the damn ham.
TYNAN
Woah, we can’t just cut the obstacle course short. We still have another event.
Mike stares at them and begins to rub his temples.
MIKE
The district manager of our store is here. Today. Looking around. I really don’t need you two mindlessly hurting one another. Just pick up the damn ham.
TYNAN
Alright, alright Appletini. Calm down. We’ll get it sorted. Lewis will be none the wiser.
MIKE
Thank you.
CUT TO:
INT. BASEMENT OF AN ELECTRONICS SHOP. DAY.
Liz, Marcus, Matt and Tynan are all in the canteen. Liz stands with a push broom in her hand. The boys are all seated on the table in front.
LIZ
Right. You both know the rules. The first one to drop has to suck it up and be the cleaning bitch. Deal?
TYNAN AND MATT
DEAL!
LIZ
Who’s wants to go first?
Matt gets up and grabs the push broom.
Mike wanders down the stairs holding a piece of stock in his hand. He pauses at the bottom of the stairs. Looks at the four members of staff, who are just blankly staring back at him.
MIKE
What the hell are you all doing down here?
The group just look at each other.
LIZ
(slightly quieter than her normal tone) We’re. Um. We’re seeing who can swivel around this broomstick the most times without falling down.
Mike stares blankly at them.
MIKE
On (beat) company time?
The group all nod in agreement.
Mike takes a pause.
MIKE
Two quid on Tynan then.
Mike grabs the stock he needs.
Matt begins swivelling.
GROUP
One..... Two..... Three..
CUT TO:
INT. ELECTRONICS STORE. FRONT TILLS. DAY.
Liz is back on till and serving a customer.
LIZ
That will be fourteen pound, thirty seven pence please. (beat) Thanks.
Matt wanders up to the till, with the left side of his head bandaged in a rough style.
The customer leaves.
MATT
Saw this, thought of you.
He raises his hand to show Liz the same piece of ham that was in Tynan’s section now speared on a pen.
Liz starts to LAUGH.
LIZ
That’s absolutely disgusting.
She picks up the bin and moves it towards Matt.
Matt drops the piece of ham in the bin.
MATT
That ones for you Tynan!
Betts immediately jumps into frame.
BETTS
Did you just use one of the company’s pens to dispose of that piece of meat?
Matt starts wiping his greasy hands on his trousers.
MATT
Yeah, so?
BETTS
So?! So?! Pens are used for writing with young man, now what if I pick that pen up to use? My hands will smell of ham all day.’
MATT
Well it’s not cyanide for f**k’s sake. Just a piece of sarny meat.
BETTS
Do I need to remind you that I had a very traumatic experience with a piece of ham when I was a youngin’?
Matt and Liz look at each other. Liz is stifling LAUGHTER.
MATT
Blame Tynan.
BETTS
(in a high pitched screeching tone) TYNAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
CUT TO:
INT. ELECTRONICS STORE. OUTSIDE MANAGER’S OFFICE. DAY.
Lewis has his briefcase in hand and is doing one final look around the shop.
LEWIS
Well done Michael. You’ve really turned this place around.
MIKE
Ah, well thanks. It’s pretty easy to do when you have the right staff.
CUT TO:
INT. ELECTRONICS STORE. DISCO SECTION. DAY.
Matt and Tynan are cheering on Gordon to touch one of the light bulbs in the lights.
MATT AND TYNAN
Touch it! Touch it! Touch it!
CUT TO:
INT. ELECTRONICS STORE. FRONT TILLS. DAY.
Liz is talking to a customer.
LIZ
Hell no you can’t return this! What did you do kick it around the back garden? NEXT!
CUT TO:
INT. ELECTRONICS STORES. TOOLS SECTION. DAY.
Marcus is standing in front of a customer. He holds a soldering iron in his hand.
MARCUS
So.... Y’know. You’d use this type of iron (beat) to soldering small things. For the simple reason that, y’know it’s a smaller tip.
The customer looks ready to doze off.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. ELECTRONICS STORE. OUTSIDE MANAGER’S OFFICE. DAY.
MIKE
Yeah. The right staff.
Gordon runs past them shaking his hand.
GORDON
It burns! It burns!
Tynan runs after him holding a can of something.
TYNAN
Quick, let me spray this on it. It’ll cool it down.
Mike looks at Lewis who is looking quizzically around the store.
MIKE
Um, yeah so let’s get you out of here. A lot of stores to see and the day’s getting on.
The camera follows Mike and Lewis to the front of the store.
LEWIS
Alright everyone, see you another day. Keep up the excellent work.
Lewis exits.
Alex comes up with a mobile phone in his hand.
ALEX
I say Mike, I got to jet early. One of my bros got us tickets to Redunkalous concert tonight. Got to go pick up some muckys for the show.
Mike just shakes his head and turns and walks towards the office.
ALEX
Why does it smell like ham in here?
CUT TO:
END CREDITS.
