EDIT: It's been re-written so much I'm just editing this.
A scene from my sitcom
Do you think it has 3 jokes per page, as is basically required?
I'd drop the fact he has bipolar disorder and that the other guy's mum has cancer. They are not comedy topics. It didn't strike me as funny and the lame joke is not really going to get much better if it's done to death.
It's hard to advise if this is in the middle of the script as I don't know what's gone on before, but the plot should already be in motion by Scene 8 and this particular scene should only add to it.
This isn't a comedy, plain and simple.
Take a look at any sitcom script you like, stand it beside your own and play spot the difference. Observe, in the produced copy, the outlandish situations and the friction that comes out of them. See how the characters have conflicting goals. Pay attention to what is at stake in a scene. Note how all of these elements set up comic consequences and force characters to spark jokes off one another.
Now realise, given that your script has none of these elements, that you have a great deal of work ahead of you. I realise you've offered up your weakest section for criticism (a commendable thing to do by the way) but I'd be surprised if this one scene were an anomaly. I'm betting the mistakes you've made here are true across the board. I'm also betting you're having a hard time writing it, but that will change when you think a little harder about a scene before ploughing ahead with dialogue. Certainly the jokes will come easier. Right now you have one joke in this entire scene, and even then it's played with a wink. A failure to set up a comic situation is why you have stretches of conversation like this...
ED
What time do you reckon we’ll be going?
NICK
I dunno. Gav, what do you think?
GAVIN
I don’t know.
NICK
(TO ED) About half eight?
ED
OK.
And no, I disagree entirely with David H, there's no reason why you can't approach topics like cancer. There have been plenty of great gags written on the subject, and why not - it's part of the human condition. The trouble is that your characters only talk about their problems. No jokes. No reason to laugh. No release.
Keep it up though, Charisma, and be sure to post us your next draft.
Agree about the cancer and any other topic - just look at pretty much every episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelpha - child molestation and incest and that's just in one episode.
EDIT: It's been re-written so much I'm removing this.
Not enough jokes.
Quote: Seefacts @ December 28, 2007, 10:43 PMNot enough jokes.
I don't want to seem disrespectful of your opinion, but in my opinion, as an opening scene I do like this because its fast moving and introduces the main character as well as having several "good" jokes. Of course, I'm probably looking through rose-tinted glasses, but to criticise say 'not enough jokes' isnt to me substantial enough. Any other problems you felt with it seefacts, as I am very open to criticism - it just seemed that was slightly blunt. Sorry if I sound rude there.
Well, as I said, I don't think you've got enough jokes - by which I mean when I jump to a few lines of dialogue, there's nothing there.
Too much chat - I'm not saying the dialogue isn't realistic or what have you, but this is a sitcom.
A producer will read ten pages, and he's going to want to see a lot of laughs. 3 per page - that's thirty of course. I don't think this has enough. The jokes that ARE in it I don't think are strong enough.
I don't think there's enough difference between the two characters having read it a few times.
Don't worry about being rude - I'd be well pissed off if some tit like me came along and said what I've just said but when it comes to sitcoms I like to critique.
Would you compare this to a favourite show of yours and think the gag rate is as high and regular?
I guess I do keep trying to tell stories rather than reeling off the gags - perhaps a comedy drama would be better suited for me. I know in shows like Friends, every line is either a set-up or a punchline. I don't like to write like that because I think there should be meaning behind it....definitely starting to think that the traditional 'sitcom' is not for me.
The writing between gavin and his dad seems a little too familiar in a way that doesn't seem right (pally in a not really family sort of way). Perhaps this was meant to be the dad being embarrassing the lad, but doesnt quite read that way to me.
Seefacts is right that there don't seem to be enough jokes. Sometimes you just have to think of line and force it in even if it makes the scene go awry.
Howabouts
"Hi, My name is Gavin and I'm Bipolar"
"Really? I thought you looked more like a gay chipmunk"
Okay I'll get me coat....
Quote: charisma @ December 29, 2007, 12:09 AMI guess I do keep trying to tell stories rather than reeling off the gags - perhaps a comedy drama would be better suited for me. I know in shows like Friends, every line is either a set-up or a punchline. I don't like to write like that because I think there should be meaning behind it....definitely starting to think that the traditional 'sitcom' is not for me.
If you don't write like that, then don't force it. The dialogue was nice for me, just not sitcom.
Good luck with it.
Rob B: I find that you get two types of dad - (1) tries to be hip, cool, trendy etc. and fit in with the kids, (2) very over protective of their child. I went for (1) for Gavin's dad, as the main female part is introduced in a similar way with a dad who is type (2). That's not to say I disagree with you that perhaps it is a bit too pally, just an explanation of what I was going for. On a re-write, I think I'll try and adjust it so that it is more family-like, but still keeping that similar style. Thanks for your advice 
Seefacts: thanks for the support, it is much appreciated.
Quote: charisma @ December 29, 2007, 12:37 AMRob B: I find that you get two types of dad - (1) tries to be hip, cool, trendy etc. and fit in with the kids, (2) very over protective of their child. I went for (1) for Gavin's dad, as the main female part is introduced in a similar way with a dad who is type (2). That's not to say I disagree with you that perhaps it is a bit too pally, just an explanation of what I was going for. On a re-write, I think I'll try and adjust it so that it is more family-like, but still keeping that similar style. Thanks for your advice
Seefacts: thanks for the support, it is much appreciated.
One thing you find in sitcom is opposites, but with a bond. A cool, hip and trendy father would have a nerdy kid, who gets embarrassed by everything his father does.
I can appreciate the father being pally with his son about girls, but with the mum right there? That doesn't ring true to me. Would be more realistic/better IMO if say, the dad talked about girls and then the Mum came back and he stopped. Then when she went to the car, he started up again. His conversation when his wife is there is convservative, then when she's gone he's more laddish. That would reveal a lot about the dad.
Agree with Seefacts about it still not being funny enough. It's nice, pleasant conversation, but it needs to be twisted so there are good jokes coming out of it.
Friends is often criticized for being set-up/punchline driven but it is far better than that. You learn so much about the characters through their plots. Shows such as Becker, Spin City (although I enjoy them) have far less depth.