moving

MOVING.

EXT. DAY. OUTSIDE FRONT DOOR. EXTERIOR TO HOUSE.

MAN STANDS WITH A BIG PILE OF LARGE BOXES OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR TO A HOUSE WITH A ‘SOLD’ NOTICE ON THE FRONT. MAN KNOCKS AND WAITS. HOUSEHOLDER OPENS THE DOOR AND LOOKS PLEASED.

MAN. (points to boxes) Hi, I’ve got the shop over the way and you were asking, the other day, whether we had any large boxes as you were moving. Er … are these any good?

HOUSEHOLDER. (delighted) Fantastic. You’re just in time. We’ve got to move out today.

A GROUP OF SMALL CHILDREN COME TO THE DOOR AND START PLAYING WITH THE BOXES. SOME BURLEY MEN PUSH PAST. MAN LOOKS A BIT SHOCKED.

MAN. (annoyed) Don’t mind me!

HOUSEHOLDER. (slightly embarrassed but makes light of it) Sorry about that.(whispers to man) it’s their job.

MAN. What’s that, then?

HOUSEHOLDER. Bailiffs.

HOLDS UP A CARDBOARD BOX.

HOUSEHOLDER. (cont) But, hey, at least the kids get a room each, now.

I like this one. Simple, short and original (and easy to read). Good stuff.

Not much to add but if really pernickity, get rid of 'I’ve got the shop over the way and' and just have him dressed as a shopkeeper (uniform or something) -- that line'll speak for itself if that's the case. Start the line with 'You were asking...'

Dan

Yep agree with Monsieur Swertie.
Well done!

Thanks for that, folks. Will you come and see me when I live in one?

Oh, no, I forgot that I'm going to be rich and famous. Hey, you needn't bother about visiting in that case.

I liked it although I had to think about it first. I don't know if it's just me. Maybe it becomes more obvious visually.

I liked this one, Marion. I opine that it's your best one yet.

I had to read it twice which makes me thick but also because it's quite visual which is hunky-dory by me. I like short sketches because I can't seem to write one! Simple and straight forward. Good stuff.

Isn't it so satisfying when everything comes together. A very nice piece of writing with a very rewarding tag.

I love it when we all agree that I'm brilliant

Thanks everyone for your lovely words.

Your mother must be very proud.

Yes! I love it! Best one I've read for quite a while - short, sharp...very good. Be proud, marion.

Looks like you've got it made Marion.

Quote: Baumski @ December 19, 2007, 2:28 PM

Your mother must be very proud.

View original

She always says she is - when I kick her really, really hard