Okay, before they become completely untopical (as they are starting to!), here's the topical one-liners I entered into 4laughs 'Window of Opportunity' thing-y:
(Pretend it's a week ago and these news stories are hot off the press)
Cheers
Dan
================================
Canoeist disappears and goes to Panama.
================================
John Darwin faked his own death and disappeared, living in hiding in Panama and making his life a confused and crippling mess just to claim the life insurance money. Some people will go way too far, won't they? I mean, Panama...
John Darwin, the canoeist that disappeared five years ago, worked in a bank before becoming a prison officer at the time of the disappearance. "It was horrible," he told police under interrogation. "The verbal abuse, misbehaviour, violent attacks. I couldn't take it anymore. So I left and started working as a prison officer."
A picture of John Darwin with his wife in Panama from last year has appeared on the 'Move to Panama' website. As police interrogated him he wore a Panama hat and smoked a Panama cigar. He claims to not remember where he's been.
Former canoeist John Darwin's sons claim they feel they have been victims of a huge scam. They said "How could our mam continue to let us believe our dad had died when he was very much alive?" before excusing themselves to help Prince N'Kohla B'Ding, the son of a Nigerian king hoping to transfer £300million out of a political nightmare.
John Darwin's two sons claim they have been betrayed by their mother but are happy that their father is back from beyond the grave. "The mansion in Panama is nice too," said the eldest.
There's been an awful lot of confusion with the story of the missing canoeist. The public are confused. The media are confused. Even the police are confused to the main facts. "Was it a canoe or a kayak?" Asked Sting.
================================
Chief Traffic Officer caught speeding near Wrexham
================================
The Head of Road Policy for Chief Constables, Merredydd Hughes was caught speeding whilst on holiday. He admitted he was in the wrong and fully understanding the traffic laws. When questioned about doing 90 in a 60 zone he asked "60 what?"
In the past, Head of Road Policy for Chief Constables, Merredyd Hughes has argued that less conspicuous speed cameras should be considered by police as a way of slowing down drivers. Good suggestion. Shame no-one told him they'd implemented it whilst he was racing around on holiday.
Defended by his solicitor, ex-Head of Road Policy for Chief Constables and recent boy racer, Merredyd Hughes, didn't make a personal appearance in court. Apparently he was waiting in his car just outside, flummoxed and confused by a large red sign declaring 'STOP'.
================================
CIA 'wiped' interrogation tapes of Al-Quaeda suspects
================================
The CIA has admitted wiping interrogation tapes of Al-Quaeda suspects. Denying claims of suspecting mistreatment, a spokesman claimed "I can confirm the suspects were not mistreated in any way. It was just that the large electromagnetic current being passed through their nether regions simply got a little too close to the recording equipment."
================================
Wikipedia should be available for students to reference in their work.
================================
Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales thinks that Wikipedia should be available for students to reference in their work. "It's a bad educator that bans their students from reading Wikipedia," said the 11-foot tall Martian hermaphrodite paleontologist stamp-collecting bogey-gobbler. [Citation required]
================================
Hatton v. Mayweather
================================
Ricky Hatton's trainer Billy Graham has admitted his charge is "exhausted" by his media commitments ahead of the super-fight against Floyd Mayweather. "Syllables! Conjugation! Coherent sentences! It's not the sort of intense training we've been doing!" claimed Graham.
================================
FA Cup Draw
================================
BBC1 have selected Aston Villa versus Manchester United as their live televised game for the third round of the FA Cup. "The FA Cup gives a great opportunity for televising clubs playing in different divisions or even different leagues!" says a spokemsan. As the clubs play each other live on the channel for the fourth time in seven seasons.
================================
Beckham willing to accept 2018 role
================================
David Beckham is willing to work as the official face of the 2018 World Cup if approached. When first approached, he asked who would be his actual face during that time? When explained that this was a misunderstanding, he asked if he could have a copy of her album before deciding for definite.
================================
Milk and Cheese 'Price-fixed'
================================
Sainsburys and Asda have admitted fixing the price of milk. The total in fines amount to £116million. You forget to pay the milkman for one month...
================================
Google Co-founder to marry
================================
Google co-founder, Larry Page, is due to marry his girlfriend, student Lucy Southworth, this weekend in a ceremony on a private island. When questioned about her intentions, Southworth claimed that marrying a multi-billionnaire was the only real way to keep the Student Loans Company off your back in this day and age.
Google co-founder Larry Page is getting married on a private island with island owner Richard Branson as his best man. Rupert Murdoch was due to perform the duties, but because of the costs of carrying Sky content on its platforms, Virgin have instead created their own-brand alternative.
