Parents

I tell you. I dont want mine anymore. Can I swap with someone. I rang my mum just now to see how she is & this was the conversation. This is why I am so bodged up & why I pass my bodgeness on to my poor boys.....

Me
Hi Mum, I just thought I would ring up to see how things are going

Mum
Shit. Things are going shit here. I tell you your father is selfish. He is so selfish I think I might leave his arse. Infact I will leave the f**ker. F**k the selfish arsehole. Better still, he can leave. He can take his sorry selfish arse & f**koff.

Me
Oooookay mum. Maybe you should…..

Mum
Do you know what he done. Do you. He is an arsehole. He is such a stinking smelly arse that he can get his stuff & he can leave. (Shouts) Do you hear me Peter. F**koff.

Dad is in the background going yar yar yar

Me
Erm maybe I will call back later mum

Mum
He has brought himself 8 mobile phone in 8 months. I have lined up everyone of his f**king phones on the coffee table Char. I tell you there is no room for coffee now. 8 phones in 8 months.I added up he has spent over a thousand pounds in 8 months on phones. I tell him I need a corkscrew & he tells me we can't afford one.. He can have 8 phones & I have to open wine with my f**king teeth.

Me
Well I will buy you a corkscrew.

Mum
No. I don’t want you to buy me a corckscrew. I want your Dad to buy me one. I want a gold f**ker. I want a thousand pound corkscrew or I am sending Dad to live with you.
(Shouts) Do you hear me Pete. You had better get me one magic wine producing encrusted in diamonds gold mother f**ker.

Me
Ooooooooooookay. Listen I had better go.

Mum
I am going to get everyone of those 8 mobile phones Char. I am going to ram them one by one up your Dad’s tight arse. Then I am kicking him out on the street & I am gonna ring them numbers so his arse plays tunes all through the night. Keep that bastard awake.

LOOOOL

"I tell you there is no room for coffee now."
That is f**king funny. In fact, the whole conversation is f**king funny, but I guess you already knew that.
Have you read any Larkin? If not, you'd f**king love it. "They f**k you up, your mum and dad," and all that. One of my favourite poets. It's twisted, isn't it? So sad, and yet f**king funny at the same time.

Oh Charley!

Do you feel exorcised now?

Buy some Larkin, if you haven't.

Buy "High Windows" and "The Whitsun Weddings" if you don't already own them. Cheap on Ebay; a couple of quid. I'd buy them for you if you wouldn't accuse me of being a pervert . Amazing stuff.

Will get some James. O|ff to the town on Thurs so will add to my list. Thanks hun.x

Are you sure they're not Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne?

No Zooo I wish. Atleast I would be rich & fooked.

I was never allowed to swear when I was living at home. They could though. I remember being 6 & swearing for the first time. I was in the loo & Mum was in a hurry to go to the shops. She shouted out "Where are you Charlene". I replied that "I was having a piss".Next thing I know I get a clout around the ear. "Dont ever say that word Piss again. Ever. Piss is a terrible bad word. I never want to hear Piss from your mouth. Piss indeed".
Then I was dragged off to the corner shop where my mother anounced to the shopkeeper that I had said the word Piss. The shopkeeper than had a go at me. (Indian Accent) "Ohhh piss is a very naughty word. You are too young to be saying piss"
Then my dad would get in from work & mum would dob. "Char said Piss" My Dad would look down at me. "Piss is an abhorent word for a young girl to say. I cant believe you said piss. I am very dissapointed in you. I dont want your mother to have to tell me you said Piss ever again.
The weekend would bring all uncles & aunts in on my naughtiness. Each would come up in turn telling me not to say the word Piss. I have never heard it said so many times ever in my ife since. Even Nanny. Nanny was cruel though. She sat me on her lap, infront of everyone.
"Now Char, I hear you said a truly bad word"
"Yes Nanny"
"Now what was that naughty word"
"Erm" (Looking to my mother out of fear for repeating it. Mother nods to give me the go ahead) I said Piss Nanny.
"Oh sweet Jesus. Dear God. Oh child that is bad bad bad. Piss is a bad bad word. Never say Piss again. Piss is awful. Dont repeat that word. Now what word must you not repeat"
(Totaly confused & frightened) Piss Nanny.

my english teacher today, when asked why she had her head on the desk "because my mother in law is staying with us..." that said it all for me!

LOOOL