Vampire Sketch

I bastardised this for the 'Spies' BSG Weekly Sketch Comp but here's the original - it's a semi-shooting script at the mo because I want to film this one, I have the set and I've cast it. I'll be cameraman, producer, director, editor, tea maker! Just have to get costumes sorted and persuade the cast to turn up!
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INT. HALLWAY OF A FLAT. TWO VAMPIRES IN FULL REGALIA. SEBASTIAN HAS A PONY TAIL!

SEBASTIAN: (TOSSES HIS HEAD BACK)
It's just not good enough, Abstemious..

ABSTEMIOUS:
I'm truly sorry, Sebastian..

SEBASTIAN:
You're the worst trainee I've ever had.. a vampire that doesn’t like blood.. you've made me a laughing stock, you really have..

ABSTEMIOUS:
I've said I'm sorry (PAUSE) perhaps if you set me another project.. mind you, I do find that the project work is a case of style over substance..

SEBASTIAN: (EXASPERATED)
Not that again..

SHOOTING SCRIPT NOTE: IN THE FOLLOWING LINE FROM ABSTEMIOUS, ON THE WORD ‘GOD’ WE CLOSE-UP BRIEFLY ON A SHOCKED SEBASTIAN. ON THE WORD ‘HELL’ WE SEE AN APPROVING SEBASTIAN. ALSO, ON THE WORD ‘HELL’ BOTH PROTAGONISTS CROSS THEMSELVES (BOTH DIFFERENTLY AND INCORRECTLY).

ABSTEMIOUS:
We-l-l.. (BEAT) GOD (PAUSE) these hideous capes, the bloody fangs, the white faces, only coming out at night and (BEAT) sleeping in coffins.. why the HELL (PAUSE) ..why do we bother with all this nonsense? The blood is always fake anyway…

SEBASTIAN: (SHOCKED ARM-WAVING DISMAY)
Abstemious! Shhhh! Shhhh! Someone might hear you! You're undermining the very foundations of Vampirism...

THE LETTERBOX RATTLES AND A LETTER LANDS ON THE MAT. A CALMER SEBASTIAN PICKS IT UP.

SEBASTIAN:
It's from Personnel and marked 'Urgent', I'd better open it.. (OPENS LETTER AND READS RESIGNEDLY) It’s as I feared, they've revoked my training licence!

THERE IS A RUSHING, CRACKLING SOUND AND WE CUT TO SMALL PILE OF SMOKING ASHES ON THE HALL FLOOR. ABSTEMIOUS BENDS DOWN AND TALKS TO THE PILE OF ASHES.

ABSTEMIOUS:
I'm truly sorry, Sebastian!

END

I liked it and look forward to the finished piece.

Yes I liked it.
When Sebastian picks up the letter and comments on it, would it not be better to have a close up of the envelope marked URGENT then him just opening it
then..
SEBASTIAN
It's as I feared, Personnel has revoked my training license.

Quote: bushbaby @ December 13, 2007, 1:21 PM

Yes I liked it.
When Sebastian picks up the letter and comments on it, would it not be better to have a close up of the envelope marked URGENT then him just opening it
then..
SEBASTIAN
It's as I feared, Personnel has revoked my training license.

View original

Agreed.

I enjoyed it. I like vampires. Felt it needed a slightly different angle to be entirely successful though... a vampire that doesn't like blood seems a bit old-hat somehow... How about a one-legged vampire? Of course, just remembered that that's been done:

Peter
Miss Rigby! Stella, my love! Would you please send in the next auditioner, please. Mr. Spiggott, I believe it is.
(enter Dudley, hopping on one leg)
Peter
Mr. Spiggott, I believe?
Dudley
Yes, Spiggott by name, Spiggott by nature. (keeps hopping)
Peter
Yes...if you'd like to remain motionless for a moment, Mr. Spiggott. Please be stood. Now, Mr. Spiggott you are, I believe, auditioning for the part of Tarzan?
Dudley
Right.
Peter
Now, Mr. Spiggott, I couldn't help noticing almost at once that you are a one-legged person.
Dudley
You noticed that?
Peter
I noticed that, Mr. Spiggott. When you have been in the business as long as I have you come to notice these things almost instinctively. Now, Mr. Spiggott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan - a role which, traditionally, involves the use of a two-legged actor.
Dudley
Correct.
Peter
And yet you, a unidexter, are applying for the role.
Dudley
Right.
Peter
A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement.
Dudley
Very true.
Peter
Well, Mr. Spiggott, need I point out to you where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?
Dudley
Yes, I think you ought to.
Peter
Need I say without overmuch emphasis that it is in the leg division that you are deficient.
Dudley
The leg division?
Peter
Yes, the leg division, Mr. Spiggott. You are deficient in it to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. I like your right leg. A lovely leg for the role. That's what I said when I saw you come in. I said "A lovely leg for the role." I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is - neither have you. You fall down on your left.
Dudley
You mean it's inadequate?
Peter
Yes, it's inadequate, Mr. Spiggott. And, to my mind, the British public is not ready for the sight of a one-legged apeman swinging through the jungly tendrils.
Dudley
I see.
Peter
However, don't despair. After all, you score over a man with no legs at all. Should a legless man come in here demanding the role, I should have no hesitation in saying "Get out. Run away."
Dudley
So there's still a chance?
Peter
There is still a very good chance. If we get no two-legged actors in here within the next two months, there is still a very good chance that you'll land this vital role. Failing two-legged actors, you, a unidexter, are just the sort of person we shall be attempting to contact telephonically.
Dudley
Well...thank you very much.
Peter
So my advice is, to hop on a bus, go home, and sit by your telephone in the hope that we will be getting in touch with you. (shows Dudley out) I'm sorry I can't be more definite, but as you realise, it's really a two-legged man we're after. Good morning Mr. Spiggott.

Brilliant! Seems to me that you're exploring similar ideas though in the vamp sketch, only not being as original or taking them as far.

Quote: James Williams @ December 13, 2007, 1:47 PM

Brilliant! Seems to me that you're exploring similar ideas though in the vamp sketch, only not being as original or taking them as far.

View original

Les Dennis jokes?

What I'm saying is this sketch has the potential to be so much more... whereas my Lennis Dennis sketch does not!!

Lol, I know, I just wanted to make that joke.

And who the f**k is "Lennis Dennis"?!
I've been sat at the computer for too long.

Thanks for all your comments! Much appreciated and food for thought!

The sketch was short as it's written to be filmed by a low budget/no budget sketch troupe that has day jobs and loads of issues of all shapes and sizes to contend with, so time is short. Also, access to the location for filming will be limited so it's easier to produce a good short version of a sketch as a demo and then maybe extend the script to show what might be achieved with more time/budget committed to it.

Quite simply, longer scripts means more lines to learn. Also we really need to shoot it in a day including travel time from disparate locations and it can get very frought on longer sketches when it's not going well and we're running out of time!

Oh, to have more time and money to throw at producing sketches! What we rehearse/shoot/edit in a day a professional crew would probably take a week over!

I shall look forward to viewing this.
I still laugh to myself when I think about your Ninja sketch and the scientists behind the settee.

Quote: James Williams @ December 13, 2007, 1:56 PM

What I'm saying is this sketch has the potential to be so much more...

View original

I think a different mind looking at the same idea might well take it somewhere else and possibly do more with it. That's the interesting thing about collaboration too, when somebody adds another dimension to your idea.

Thanks for looking at it and taking time to comment!