The Bus Ride Page 2

Thanks for your feedback, it is much appreciated. I'll try to explain some of the points you mentioned. (Incidentally, everything in the poem is there for a reason, which is partially why I wanted to post it on here....in a sitcom script, I don't think lines should be written without each one having a true meaning to it).

You made a comparison Larkin's 'The Whitsun Weddings'. Having read that now, I see the similarities. However, a more obvious comparison would be 'A General Prologue To The Canterbury Tales' by Geoffrey Chaucer, of which this is a parody.

Each line has 10 syllables in it, and there is perfect AABB rhyming couplets throughout. The only variations of these rules are symbolic.

e.g. "And the floor panels are rattling with screws coming loose."

- here, the irregular pattern represents the flaws in the physical properties of the bus

"They continued to disrupt my journey making lots of noise."

- again, the change in disruption in rhythm represents the disruption in the narrators journey.

- similarly, in the old lady's description, rhyming starts perfect but fades towards the end, symbolising how she used to be a significant part of society but she no longer is.

- the Liverpool fan's description is cut short...obviously, here the feeling is that the 'narrator' was caught looking and didn't dare continue.

You also failed to find reason for the prose descriptions. The reason for this is to show how insignificant they are (i.e. the unemployed women and homeless guy are not even worth me describing in prose) Notice how they are juxtaposed with in the first case the King, to show contrast, and second case, with the old lady, to show how she deserves a lot better.

There's also several places where the rhyming may feel as though it is forced...I'm not sure if you commented on that....

e.g. "He was, I now know, lawyer of the court
Who’s number of friends is equal to nought"

I think you said that it feels unnatural when this happens. This is a deliberate technique used so that you think 'hmm, that didn't quite work'; when you consider the meaning of the line - a life without friends similarly would not work.

I agree that the ending isn't that strong, but its quick and sharp, just as leaving a bus is quick and sharp.

I hope I've justified why I used rhyming couplets....obviously, it wouldn't be a parody of Chaucer if I didn't...and that where you felt there was a problem with the chosen style, I have explained the reasoning.

Of course, me explaining that doesn't mean I think I'm right. I'm just explaining my thinking so that we can have a discussion about it. Thanks again for your feedback.

Quote: Ray Dawson @ December 13, 2007, 5:02 PM

I think you'll find you're on the wrong site here Jeremy. This is for mature adults, not for people who spit their dummy out just beacuse no one says how utterly brilliant they are. Of course i would have said this of your work, but then i'm not a liar.

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I apologised for my outburst, sorry again if that was not enough. Also, I was not looking for someone to say my work was any good; all I wanted was some feedback at all - if you look at what I said after (in my apology) I asked for it to be ripped to pieces which James Williams has done and I'm very grateful of his help. But when I came here two days after posting it and found nothing had been said, I had a knee-jerk reaction and complained. Realising my stupidity, I apologised, and I am sorry.

But if I hadn't have said that, I wouldn't have got the feedback from James that I did, so in a way its worked out OK.

No, Jeremy, I do not accept that to insult people into action is a reasonable way of conducting oneself.

Yes, you were rude and, yes, you did apologise for that. However, it is rather hollow given the smart response of justification.

We are simply a bunch of writers who ask for a critique from fellow writers in the hope of improvement.
If you scan through my work on the critique forum you will find zero response for some of it. I have my issues with that and have expressed them. I hope, however that my dummy has stayed firmly in the pram throughout.

I agree its not acceptable. As you rightly said I threw my dummy out of the pram, and to be fair, I deserve to be wholly criticised for that. But at the same time, I've realised I was in the wrong and don't know what else I can do to make up for my stupid judgement. That's all.

Then shall we, as they say, 'put this baby to bed'?
You could, of course, send me a cheque and say how funny I am???

That would be perfect mate, cheers!

How about if I go searching for some of your work with zero response and give you feedback (whether you care for my opinion or not, it will boost it to the top and maybe get some you do respect!)....that'd be much quicker than a cheque, y'know with the Christmas post and all that...you probably wouldn't want to be waiting around for the money so...

Don't you believe it!! The post is great here!

But think of the, undoubtedly, quality feedback - you can't put a price on that...

You don't know me, do ya!!!!!!!!!

Priceless.