AL QAEIDA SCHOOL FOR TERRORIST

[Enter teacher to a group of students who are sat]

Teacher: Morning students. Stand for our school song.

[They stand with hand on hearts]

Students: Death to the infidels!

[To the tune ‘Stop the Pigeon’]

Afzaal: Nab them

Nina: Grab them

Aksar: Bomb them

Akmar: Stab them

Students: Kill those infidels now!

[They sit]

Teacher: I’m sorry to say class that I have some bad news. Due to falling roles the education authority will not issue any more suicide vests.

[General moaning]

So we’ve ordered some mobile phones. You simply plant the bomb dial a number and bombs your uncle.

Afzaal: You mean no more suicide bombings?

Teacher: I’m afraid not. Those vestal virgins will have to wait a while Afzaal.

Aksar: Er... teach, will these phones av fast text?

Akmar: And cameras and stuff?

Teacher: Err.....

Nina:Ye! And can I like send pics to my mates?

Afzaal : Ye! Tharud be cool!

Akmar: What about Bluetooth?

Teacher: [Exasperated ] Um, perhaps you don’t quite understand. Just attach the Semtex to the car. Place the phone into the explosives. Use a second phone and just dial a number. Here’s one I made earlier

[Holds up bomb]

Akmar: What car teach?

Teacher: [More exasperated] You enrolled in car bombing for beginners and you don’t have a car?

Akmar: Will me scooter do? Easy to park like.

Nina: Ye it's ell's delight to find a space down that market on a Saturday. They’ve got traffic wardens and everything.

Afzaal: Praps we could use the park and ride?

Teacher: [Scratches head] Ok ok, we obviously have a comprehension problem here, so I tell you what, we do have one jacket left.

[Students cheer]

You can all take my car and Afzaal you can wear the jacket. Just drive to the market on Saturday and blow yourselves to kingdom come. We’ll call it a field trip. How does that sound?

Akmar: Do we need permission slips?

Afzaal: Who’ll look after my asthma pump?

Nina: Can we bring you anything back miss. Some carrots praps?

Teacher: Its quite alright thanks Nina. I really have had my fill of vegetables this term.

I really liked this although I found that while the school song was a nice idea it needed an opening verse or else I don't think it actually comes off. Perhaps a dedication to Allah might carry better.

I liked the 'park and ride' reference and would have liked more plus any teddybear stuff because the fact is the subject matter has an awful lot of scope to write something topical.

Despite this sort of sketch having been done before, this one does come over as fresh that I feel it would be a shame to waste the opportunity of working in a good laugh every other line that this sketch richly deserves.

I like the idea behind this. I'd use a more up to date song though to make it current. Also, do suicide bombers blow themselves to 'Kingdom Come'? I think the teacher needs to be more accurately portrayed and orthodox/radical and the kids need to be more 'English'. Be nice to see Catherine Tate or Little Britain tackle this sketch on mainstream TV, inciting people to laugh at themselves! A great sketch for social integration!

Good stuff!

P.S. Maybe CT and LB have already done something like this, I wouldn't know as I can't watch too much of either show without channel hopping!

I like this though i would focus on the ammount of teachers they go through following demonstrations!

Welcome back Frankie, like the new avatar

Yep the new avatar is pretty much the way I am, and your avatar speaks volumes about you too I expect, Ray!

Frankie xxx

I liked this as it was. Well done Mate.

Thanks one and all for constructive comments. Some nice ideas to up laugh rate which is always useful and no one took my head off. Which is nice!

Quote: Frankie Rage @ December 11, 2007, 12:24 AM

Yep the new avatar is pretty much the way I am, and your avatar speaks volumes about you too I expect, Ray!

Frankie xxx

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Only in a comedic sense, i never look my best in blue?

I'd move the song to the end as that's the biggest laugh. 'Always finish on a song' as somebody famous once said.

Starting with this:

Teacher: I’m sorry to say class that I have some bad news. Due to falling roles the education authority will not issue any more suicide vests.

is a good, funny opening line I reckon.

Dan