Just wrote this, it's a story that's been kicking around the old noddle for ages.
Since it's a monologue, basically, it's new ground for me to tread.
Don't expect it to be ha, ha, funny as I think it's what they call black comedy 
Kiss of death.
SCENE 1. INT. DAWN. CAMPER VAN.
A MAN AND A WOMAN ARE LYING IN THE CAMPER BED. THE WOMAN’S ARMS ARE WRAPPED AROUND THE MAN’S BODY. HER LEG IS ENTWINED AROUND HIM. THEY ARE LOCKED IN A LOVERS EMBRACE. THE MAN BEGINS TO WAKE UP.
MAN. (sleepily, reaching to touch the woman’s shoulder) Hey, Sarah, wake up. Come on, it’s dawn and we’ve been asleep all night. We’ve got to get a move on. If John gets wind of this he’ll kill me. Come on, wake up.
HER SHAKES HER A LITTLE BUT IS LOCKED.
MAN. You’re freezing.
HE GOES TO MOVE AND FINDS HIMSELF LOCKED IN HER ARMS.
MAN. Sarah, stop messing about. We’ve got to get moving.
HE TRIES TO UNLOCK HER GRIP BUT FINDS THAT SHE IS STIFF.
MAN. Sarah? (shakes her) Sarah?
HE BEGINS TO PANIC REALISING THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG.
MAN. Sarah, are you ok?
HE TRIES TO LOOK OVER HIS SHOULDER. IT BEGINS TO DAWN ON HIM THAT SHE IS DEAD AND HAS RIGOR MORTIS. HORROR SETS IN AND HE GOES INTO A MAD FIT OF STRUGGLING.
HE FINALLY FLOPS BACK, EXHAUSTED AND STILL STUCK AFTER SOME TIME.
HE STARTS TO TRY, WITH JUST A SMALL AMOUNT OF MOVEMENT, TO PEEL HER ARMS OFF TO NO AVAIL. AGAIN HE FLOPS BACK, EXHAUSTED.
HE LIES THERE FOR A MOMENT IN RESIGNATION AND YET STILL AFRAID, UNSURE WHAT TO DO.
MAN. F**king hell, he’s gonna kill me. (tries to look back at her) It’s alright for you. Your already dead. He’s not going to kill you, is he? No, it’s me that’s going to cop it.
Why didn’t we do the baby oil shag? I could just slide out of this.
HE STARES AROUND THE VAN IN DESPAIR. HE SPOTS SOME COOKING OIL IN A POT ON THE SIDE. HE ATTEMPTS TO LEAN ACROSS TO GET IT BUT CAN’T MOVE. HE SLUMPS BACK IN FRUSTRATION. HE TRIES TO REACH IT WITH HIS FOOT, TO NO AVAIL.
MAN. Thanks, Sarah, now I’m gonna die and it’s all your fault. Thank you very much. (thinks for a minute) I need a cigarette. (pauses) Where are they? (cranes his neck awkwardly to look and spots them along the bed) Ah, ha! (tries to reach for them then has to shuffle a little bit) You miserable bitch, you never did like me smoking.
HE FINALLY REACHES THEM AND CLAWS THEM BACK TO HIM. HE MANAGES TO GET ONE OUT BUT REALISES THAT THE LIGHTER IS ON THE SIDE TABLE. HE SLIDES THE CIGARETTE UNDER HER HAND.
MAN. Hold that.
HE SHUFFLES BACK UP THE BED AND SWINGS FOR THE LIGHTER WITH HIS FREE ARM. EVENTUALLY HE GRABS IT TAKES THE CIGARETTE BACK OFF HER AND LIGHTS IT.
MAN. Thank you. (there’s an edge to his voice)
You do realise that this is all your fault, don’t you? You seduced me. I didn’t want to do it. (thinks for a moment and blows smoke into the air) Not that it’ll count for anything when John finds us.
What am I going to do? He will, he’ll strip the guts out of my body via the hole in my neck that he’s torn away with his fingernails.
HE SUDDENLY MAKES A MAD, HYSTERICAL STRUGGLE FOR FREEDOM, THRASHING ABOUT VIRTUALLY IN TEARS.
MAN. I was going to dump you, today, you bitch. You didn’t know it but I’ve been seeing someone else, someone less, complicated. Someone that doesn’t whine like you do…. Did. Frankly, Sarah, you were a pain in the arse when you were alive and now you’re a pain dead.
I can’t believe that you’ve turned out to be a murderess - you’re gonna be the death of me.
Oh, shit, oh, shit. He’ll probably pour petrol over the van and burn me to death. No, you’ll be alright you cow, won’t bother you, will it?
I didn’t rate the sex, by the way. You were a very average shag. I used to give you a 5 on a good day. You have scored lower.
HE SPOTS HIS MOBILE PHONE. WITH A STRUGGLE HE REACHES IT AND BEGINS TO DIAL WITH DIFFICULTY. THE PHONE IS ANSWERED, HE CAN’T GET IT TO HIS EAR AND SO SHOUTS AT IT.
MAN. Is that you, Jake?
A VOICE CAN BE HEARD IN RESPONSE.
MAN. I’m in my van, parked down by the park, where I go, you know where I mean. Got a major problem. Get down here now. I’m gonna die if you don’t. Hurry up.
THE PHONE DROPS TO THE GROUND A MUFFLED VOICE CAN BE HEARD FROM IT.
MAN. (shouts to phone) Shut up and get here or I’ll be dead.
HE DROPS BACK AND IS QUIET IN DESPAIR FOR A FEW MOMENTS.
MAN. If you weren’t dead then I’d kill you. What was I thinking about? I wouldn’t even give you an average 5. I’d say 2 -3.
HE GOES QUITE FOR A MOMENT.
MAN. Dear God, forgive me and try to remember all the good things that I’ve done.
PAUSES TO REMEMBER HIMSELF.
MAN. There was that time that I helped that women get into her house after she locked herself out.
Ok, if you’re going to nit pick I did shag her, but she was up for it. And not returning her call wasn’t entirely my fault because I didn’t want to upset my girlfriend. You could almost count that as a good deed in itself, I think.
And then there was that time that I … er, um …
HE BREAKS INTO SONG.
MAN. The Lord’s my shepherd I shall not … (forgets words) Onward Christian soldiers, marching blah, blah, war, with the cross of Jesus, blah, blah, la, la, la. La, la, la, la, la, lar la. (pauses then goes into modern stuff) Oh, my Lord, my sweet Lord, I really wanna know ya, really wanna la, la, really wanna la, la, Lord, really wanna, la,la Lord but it take, la, la, la, my Lord.
THERE IS A SOUND OF THE VAN DOOR OPENING. MAN BEGINS TO SOB. HE CLOSES HIS EYES.
MAN. Oh, God, save me. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
A GROUP OF YOUNG MEN ENTER THE VAN. THEY ARE HIS FRIENDS. JAKE, THE FRIEND THAT HE RANG, LEADS THEM. THEY ARE ALL CARRYING BATS AND WEAPONS.
JAKE. What’s happened. (he pauses and then starts to laugh) What are you doing?
MAN. (looks up in relief) Thank God it’s you. She’s dead. I’ve shagged her to death. (he laughs awkwardly).
THE MEN ARE ALL LAUGHING OUT LOUD.
JAKE. I know that you like a bit of action, mate, but…..
JAKE TRIES TO LIFT THE ARM.
JAKE (conts) This is a bit weird, even by your standards.
MAN. (shocked) She was alive when we started!
THE LADS ARE ALMOST HYSTERICAL. JAKE EXAMINES THE BODY.
JAKE. You’ve got to go to the hospital.
MAN. Don’t be mad, I’ll get arrested?
JAKE. Well how else are you going to get the super glue off? And why would they arrest you for shagging a shop dummy?
MAN TRIES TO EXAMINE THE BITS OF DUMMY THAT HE CAN SEE.
JAKE. Come on, mate, you can’t walk about like this.
THE LADS ARE NOW FALLING OVER WITH LAUGHTER. THEY GET HIM UP AND STUCK ON HIS BACK IS A SIGN SAYING,
I ONLY GAVE YOU A ONE.
