I`m think of writing something for radio along the lines of "Round the Horne"etc.Pure silliness really, with crap one liners.Started with this idea.
Bullshot and Shorthouse
FX.THE SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS AND LOUD KNOCKING AT DOOR. CREAKING AS DOOR SLOWlY OPENS.
BULLSHOT: Are you Lovitt?
LOVITT: Yes and you are?
BULLSHOT: I am Inspector Bullshot of the Yard and this is[PAUSE] Shorthouse where are you?
SHORTHOUSE: Down here sir.
BULLSHOT: And this is my assistant Detective Shorthouse.
LOVITT: You`d better come in,its awfully foggy out tonight.
BULLSHOT: Yes the special effect boys have gone over the top this time.
FX
OOR CREAKING SHUT.
LOVITT: Right gentlemen.What is it I can do for you?
BULLSHOT: We wish to join your circus training school.
LOVITT: Is that why you`ve come dressed as clowns?
SHORTHOUSE: Yes,we`re CID.Coppers in disguise.
LOVITT: One may one ask why it is you wish to join my school?
BULLSHOT: We believe that dastarly fiend Jack the Kipper is about to strike again,right here in this very building,and this time we`ll be waiting.
LOVITT: Oh I see you had better...
FX:LOUD SCREAM AND THUD.
SHORTHOUSE: Oh my God what was that?
LOVITT: Sounds like the one legged limbo dancer`s drunk again.Gentlemen this way if you please?
SHORTHOUSE: It`s dark down here.
LOVITT: It`s a short cut under the theatre,few people know about it.
BULLSHOT: Ideal for a quick getaway.
LOVITT: Quite so inspector,lets hope the evil Jack the Kipper knows nothing of it.
BULLSHOT: Indeed.Lead on McDuff.
SHORTHOUSE: I thought you said his was was Lovitt?
LOVITT: What does this Jack the Kipper look like inspector?
BULLSHOT: We don`t know he always wears a mask,but I`ll know when I see him.
SHORTHOUSE: It`s so dark down here you can hardly see a hand in front of your..
FX:LOUD SCREAM AND THUD.
BULLSHOT:[ASSERTIVLY] Shorthouse get down out of my arms will you?
SHORTHOUSE: Sorry sir,what was that?
LOVITT: Those will be the last of the trainee tightrope walkers.
BULLSHOT: The sooner we get out of this passage the better.
LOVITT: Nearly there gentlemen,mind the [FX.LOUD SCREAM AND THUD]step.[PAUSE]Detective Shorthouse would you kindly remove your arms from around my neck?
SHORTHOUSE: Sorry.
LOVITT: Here we are.
BULLSHOT: What is this?
LOVITT: This gentlemen is the royal box[GRAMS.QUICK BURST OF RULE BRITAINIA]from here you have the best view in the house.
BULLSHOT: It`s still quite dark.
LOVITT: I`ll go and find the Lamplighter to light the gas lamps,I won`t be but a moment.
BULLSHOT: Shorthouse can you see anything at all?
SHORTHOUSE: there seems to be something moving,over on your right hand side.
BULSHOT: Where?
SHORTHOUSE: On your right hand side.
BULLSHOT: Yes I can see him now.My God he`s got something in his hand and..look he`s closing in on that other person.
SHORTHOUSE: I can`t see much sir.
BULLSHOT:[LOUD VOICE] Look out!
FX:LOUD SCREAM AND THUD.
BULLSHOT: Shorthouse?...Shorthouse?
SHORTHOUSE: Down here sir.
BULLSHOT: What are you doing down there man?
SHORTHOUSE: Sorry sir,I fell out of the box.
LOVITT:[IN DISTANCE] Is that brighter for you inspector?
BULLSHOT: Yes ..err..thank you Lovitt.Shorthouse will you get yourself back up here and stop clowning around?
SHORTHOUSE: Yes sir,coming sir.[FX.SOUND OF RUNNING UPSTAIRS.PANTING]How long are we going to wait?
BULLSHOT: Not long I suspect somethings afoot...and don`t say twelve inches.Now keep your eyes peeled as I believe the infamous Jack the Kipper will show himself.
SHORTHOUSE: What makes you so sure?
BULLSHOT: I have a hunch.
SHORTHOUSE: I doesn`t show.
BULLSHOT: Shorthouse make yourself ready.I smell something fishy.
SHORTHOUSE: Kipper?
BULLSHOT: Yes.
SHORTHOUSE: One small question sir,how are we going to catch the very nasty Jack the Kipper who carries a sharp pointy thing and likes to stick it in people?
BULLSHOT: We have a secret weapon.
SHORTHOUSE: We do...what is it?
BULLSHOT: I`ll show you later,now be alert for the time is almost upon us.
SHORTHOUSE: I need a wee,
BULLSHOT: That will be the anticipation.
SHORTHOUSE: I think its more the quart of brown ale I had at lunchtime.
BULLSHOT: Quiet man can you hear that evil hissing?
SHORTHOUSE: Sorry sir I was bursting.
BULLSHOT: Look! Down below!
SHORTHOUSE: I wonder who that is with the black cape,mask and long pointy sword.
BULLSHOT: It can only be...
KIPPER:[EVIL CHUCKLE] Didn`t think I`d let you down did you inspector?
BULLSHOT: It`s been along time Kipper.
KIPPER: And for such a short time.
BULLSHOT? Why the mask?
SHORTHOUSE: Probably got bad acne.
KIPPER: It`s all part of the image inspector,and now I will make my getaway into the foggy,cobbled stone streets of 1890`s London,only to be remembered in some terrible B movies in years to come.Goodbye inspector.
FX:LOUD SCREAM AND THUD.
SHORTHOUSE: Good shot sir.So that was your secret weapon to throw me down from the balcony?
BULLSHOT: Indeed,now lie there while I my way down[FX:FOOTSTEPS]Now lets see who the real Jack the Kipper is[FX:TEARING OF MASK FROM FACE]
SHORTHOUSE: Why its...?
BULLSHOT: None other than Mr Lovitt.
LOVITT: Blast you Bullshot and your midget sidekick.
BULLSHOT: The games ups Lovitt or should I call you Kipper?
LOVITT: Does it matter?
BULLSHOT: Not where your going Kipper.I`ve got a small space back at the Yard and you`re going to fill it for a long time.
SHORTHOUSE: Kipper fillet,good one sir.
BULLSHOT: Arrest him Shorthouse and walk this way.
Shorthouse: If I could walk that way...
BULLSHOT: Stop it detective.
End
