yummy il pomodoro

8.30pm INT. RESTAURANT. ITALIAN

EARLY THIRTIES COUPLE GARRY AND HANNAH
FINALISE THEIR CHOICE OF FOOD FROM THE MENU

GARRY
Well that wasn’t hard decision, pepperoni with extra pepperoni

HANNAH
Oh there’s a surprise

GARRY
No need for sarcasm my sweet, anyway I’ve got a bet on with ladbrooks.
Hawaiian! A dead cert.

HANNAH
Ha Ha Ha you lose.
A margarita with extra onion

GARRY
You always have Hawaiian!

A GRUMPY STEREOTYPE ITALIAN WAITER IN HIS MID SIXTIES MOOCHES ON OVER WITH ALL THE ENTHUSIASM OF A WAR CRIMINAL ON TRIAL.

WAITER
(WITH STRONG ACCENT)
Order please, what you want?

GARRY
Oh right, I’ll have the pepperoni pizza with extra pepperoni
and…

HANNAH
(GRINNING AND GIVING A KNOWING LOOK)
I’ll have the Hawaiian

WAITER
(MIFFED)
So that’s one pepperoni pizza, yes and one (crosses his heart and looks up for forgiveness) Hawaiian

HANNAH GARRY
Yes!

WAITER
Hmmm and to drink?

GARRY
Two glasses of lemonade please, with ice

WAITER
Chianti?

GARRY
No thanks just the lemonade

WAITER
(PAUSES)
Chianti?

HANNAH
No thank you, Garry’s driving and I’m

GARRY
We don’t have to explain lo…

WAITER
Let zee lady finish.
Finish!

HANNAH
(NERVOUSLY)
On antibiotic’s

WAITER
(MIMICKING)
And I’m on antibiotici

WITH THAT HE WALKS OFF GRUMBLING ABOUT AND PROSCIUTTO ED ANANAS AND LEMONADE

END

Scene 2

8.50 pm INT. RESTAURANT. ITALIAN

HANNAH
I do hope the food arrives soon;
don’t want to turn up to the cinema after the film has started

GARRY
True, although I’m really enjoying the atmosphere here,
and that grumpy waiter is entertaining enough to warrant staying on

HANNAH
Yeah I know what you mean, it’s really,
authentic I suppose you could say and the food looks divine..

GARRY
Should be, it costs enough.

THE SOUND OF A SMALL BUZZY MOPED CAN BE HEARD, SWIFTLY FOLLWED BY A PIZZA DELIVERY GUY ON SAID MOPED PULLING UPTO THE TABLE WITH A SCREECH AND SORTING OUT HIS DELIVERY

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY
Hi there,
One pepperoni with extra pepperoni and one Hawaiian. yeah?

GARRY AND HANNAH
(IN STUNNED UNISON)
Yeah….

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY
Oh and two cans of sprite,
sorry they’re a bit warm the fridge conked out this afternoon.
That’ll be twenty three pounds and five pence cheers mate.

THE END

Quote: martin jones @ December 2, 2007, 8:02 PM

A ITALIAN WAITER IN HIS MID SIXTIES MOOCHES ON OVER WITH ALL THE ENTHUSIASM OF A WAR CRIMINAL ON TRIAL.

View original

I like this sketch and in particular the line above. Pity it's a stage direction and not a speech.

I think you need to get it into the dialogue somehow.

Agreed with Blenkinsop, it's a nice line but you should really keep stage direction free of jokes that can only be transmitted verbally as the only people who see them are the script readers. Direction is for absolutely essential actions or descriptions of set, etc. If the physical actions described are funny then that's okay because the viewer will 'see' the gag. Otherwise think of a way of getting a gag into the viewer's domain (words and actions).

I quite liked the ending. And, with stage directions as with anything else, if you're funny, you're funny!

Thanks fellow Dream Builders

I'll have a think about getting the 'war criminal on trial' line into the dialogue.

I wasn't too sure wether folk were thinking I was taking the rise out of people who go to swanky restaurants only to get a dial a pizza for all their pretentiousness.
Or wether they ended up with a dial a pizza because the grumpy old head waiter was that disgusted at them a ordering
a: An 'Hawaiian' pizza and B: Drinking lemonade and not chianti.

Just wondering which way the bias is?

Personally it was biased towards the grumpy waiter resulting in the dial a pizza. Mamma mia the Italian have pride.

I was basing this on personal experience of working in an Italian Restuarant (briefly) and the 'old' ice cream man Mr Michele who was the most impatient grumpiest bastard ever.

At the end of the night at the restuarant the head chef would usually do pasta.
I sat down at a table with the pizza chef one night (can someone who assembles a pizza really be considered a chef?) and used a knife and fork for said pasta.
He was so disgusted at me using a knife he went and sat on another table.
Yes he was Italian as were most of the others and boy did they play the stereotype card to the max.

As for the ice cream man, if you spent longer than 5 seconds thinking about what you wanted after getting to the front of the minor que you'd get a stern 'what you want'? in a gruff Italian tone followed by 'hurry up' then him actually deciding for you, the miserable old shit.

Cheers