‘Sign Of The Times’
Two pensioners in conversation.
HUSBAND REPLACES THE TELEPHONE RECEIVER
HUSBAND
That was the hospital.
WIFE
And…..
HUSBAND
I’ll have to wait till next June, they’re not treating left-handed people this year.
WIFE
I told you to see to it earlier.
HUSBAND
I tried but they were only treating brown-eyed people then.
WIFE
You should have got yourself a pair of blue contact lenses.
HUSBAND
No. It was short-sighted people the year before that.
WIFE
I don’t know what this country’s coming to. They won’t see obese people till 2030. I’ll have eaten myself to death by then.
HUSBAND
Oh, don’t do that love. They’re not doing burials till 2032.
WIFE
Aye well, you’ll have to shove me on’t scrap heap.
HUSBAND
It’s not our district’s turn to use it till next decade.
WIFE
Oh, just shove me on’t moors then.
HUSBAND
What moors? They’re full of high-rise flats.
WIFE
Tell you what, throw me in’t river, there’s still one or two of them.
HUSBAND
And have me done for polluting?
WIFE
Leave me in’t garden to rot, birds can have me.
HUSBAND
They all died of flu.
WIFE
You’ll have to parcel me up and post me to Siberia then.
HUSBAND
Love, there’s been no Post Offices for years.
WIFE
I blame all these immigrants crowding our services.
HUSBAND
Well, I told you years ago that we should never have left Poland.
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