Mingers

Int - Antique Shop - Day

A MIDDLE AGED COUPLE ARE BROWSING. TWO GIRLS BEHIND THE COUNTER ARE TALKING TO EACH OTHER. THE COUPLE SELECT A VASE FROM A SHELF AND APPROACH THE COUNTER.

MAN
I think I'd like to purchase this please.

THE SALESPEOPLE IGNORE THE MAN AND CARRY ON THEIR CONVERSATION

SALESPERSON # 1
I said to Trace, if it's weeping you wanna go down the doctors.

SALESPERSON # 2
Yeah you're right there Leanne. How do you think she caught it?

SALESPERSON # 1
I don't know but let's face it; she ain't half a right slapper.

THE MAN HAS BEEN WAITING PATIENTLY FOR THE GIRLS TO ACKNOWLEDGE HIM AND WHEN HE IS STILL IGNORED HE BECOMES AGITATED.

MAN:
Excuse me! If it's not too much trouble ladies, can I have some service here?

SALESPERSON # 1
Hold on mate keep your hair on. I'll be with you in a minute.

SHE RESUMES HER CONVERSATION WITH HER COLLEAGUE

WOMAN:
Really Howard! What a terrible place. I think we should leave.

MAN: (whispering)
Not so fast Jean. This thing's not tat and they've got it priced at thirty quid. It's worth ten times that.

WOMAN:
Well hurry up I don't want to spend another minute in here if I don't have to.

THE SALESPEOPLE STILL INVOLVED IN THEIR OWN CONVERSATION.

SALESPERSON # 1
You still going out with Wayne?

SALESPERSON # 2
Nah! Packed him in. He was two timing me the rotten bastard.

THE MAN TRIES TO GET THEIR ATTENTION AGAIN

MAN:
Look excuse me. Can I have some service here? PLEASE?

THE PHONE BEHIND THE COUNTER RINGS:

SALESPERSON #1
Get that Becky will yah?

THE SECOND SALESPERSON PICKS THE PHONE UP

SALESPERSON # 2
Hello Tesco Antiques. Becky speaking how can I help you?

END:

I really like the idea of the Tesco Antiques department.

However Atomic Kitten, sorry till girls, working in an antique shop/department under the age of 55?

Also till (Tesco, Sainsburys et al) girls don't get time to chat or have the authority to answer a phone,
They just scan and go then ask you if you have a nectar card.

I can't picture it working TBH.

Maybe theres a sketch waiting to be made involving antiques being scanned by a Tesco's till chick, perhaps hunting around for the illusive bar code on a Clarice Cliff or whatever antique.

Hi Martin thanks for your comments and I know what you mean.

But... the idea is that Tesco in their never ending quest to dominate the world move into antiques and set up a shop accordingly. They are into everything else after all! I didn't envisage it taking place in the supermarket.

Hey Blenks

Move the man/woman 'it's not tat' exchange to the very beginning of the sketch.

Additional to Martin's point about no-one being under 55 in an Antiques shop -- I'd leave the till girls as chavs but make them old women, still talking in the same way.

It needs a stronger punchline too. Could have something based on the Tesco 'buy in bulk, pile it high' strategy, as it's completely opposite to the whole antiques buying process.

Hope this helps

Dan