Int Johns Office - 1300
John (50) is sat at his desk eating a piece of cake. Lenny (45) walks in. John puts down his cake, gets up and shakes Lenny's hand.
John: Lenny! How the hell are you on this wonderful day?
Lenny: No Johnny. No, no, no. Wonderful it is not.
John: What's the matter?
Lenny: The sun may be shining outside, but I am feeling terribly down. My wife's left me, she’s taken half of everything I own, she’s stopped me seeing our pet Spaniel and to top it all I’m suffering from terrible hayfever (SNEEZES)
John: Oh I see. I am sorry. (BEAT) Still, it's good news about the sun shining isn't it.
Lenny: Not really, it just aggravates my hayfever.
John: Of course, of course. How very silly of me. Now, why was it you wanted to see me
Lenny sits down and starts to well up.
Lenny: Well the splits hit me pretty hard and I think I’m going to need to take some time off work.
John: I understand. I understand, Lenny. I think you’d do well to get on some heroin as well.
Lenny: Yeah I suppose it couldn’t hurt me and besides (PAUSE) What?! Heroin?!
John: Yes, heroin.
Lenny: the semi synthetic opioid?
John: What did you think I was talking about? Catwoman?
Lenny: I haven’t really given heroin much thought to be honest.
John: It’ll numb the pain, believe me.
Lenny: Is it expensive?
John: It depends where you buy it from, I suppose.
John aims two large winks at Lenny.
Lenny: Are you saying you could get me some?
John opens a drawer on his desk. He produces a small bag containing white powder. He pushes it towards Lenny.
John: Just try a bit. See if you like it.
Lenny opens the bag and takes a sniff.
Lenny: Hmm, it smells quite sweet.
John: Oh it’s sweet stuff, Lenny. Sweeter than your ex wife will ever be.
Lenny: Well we’re not actually divorced yet. We could still get back together.
John: You won’t, Lenny. You won’t. Now, just give it a little taste. Do it for me.
Lenny dips his finger in the bag, pulls it out and then licks it.
Lenny: Hmmm. It tastes like sugar. Actually, it is sugar.
John: What?
John grabs the bag off Lenny and dips his finger in. He looks up.
John: You’re right. Damnit! My wife must have mixed the bags up last night when she was...when she was cooking that...
John looks down at his piece of cake
John: (Continues) Oh my god.
John collapses face first on to his desk.
The End