Hi everyone, this is an episode of my sitcom. Its a trip to Liverpool by 4 Belfast men, tell us what you think.
THE LEAVING OF LIVERPOOL
WRITTEN BY JAMES MCCLOSKEY
INT.CAR.DAY
Its early morning and the guys are on their way to the airport. It’s GOLIATH’S, 40th birthday and they are heading off to Liverpool, for a couple of days, to celebrate. PHIL, is driving JAMES, car, which is a Volkswagen Jetta, it’s on its last legs and doesn’t have any seats in the back, so they use a bean bag and a garden chair as make-shift back seats. It also has the disadvantage of the horn only being heard inside the car. The guys are all singing ‘so what, by the Anti Nowhere League’.
PHIL
Yo root; I thought you booked these flights early in the morning, so we’d beat the traffic. You retard.
JAMES
It’s not my fault the car’s crap.
PHIL
It’s your car!
There is a large traffic jam in front. It’s bumper to bumper.
JOHN
Let me out of here, I’m going for a piss.
James, John and Goliath all jump out to relieve themselves.
PHIL
Hurry up; I’ve to go, too. Here John, do you not need to sit down?
They return back to the car after relieving themselves. Now Phil gets out and goes to the toilet himself. Goliath jumps into the front seat in case the traffic moves.
PHIL
(CONT’D)
Take it easy now, big man. The traffic shouldn’t move. But if it does, make sure that clubfoot of yours doesn’t hit the accelerator. By the way, can your size three’s reach the pedals?
GOLIATH
(TO THE OTHERS)
If he keeps it up he’ll get a thick ear. It’s happened before and it’ll happen again! Fat head.
Phil jumps out and relieves himself behind the wall. As he is walking back the traffic starts to disperse. He starts to gently jog back to the car. But Goliath starts to act the clown and drives, on, taunting Phil. He slows down letting Phil walk right up to the car and then drives on. Phil is looking really pissed off, but he is powerless. People are beeping their horns at Goliath, and the rest of the guys start shouting at the passing cars. Goliath starts to use his own horn but only the guys in the car can hear it. He teases Phil one more time letting him get close and then driving away again. In anger Phil picks up a rock and throws it towards the car, but to his misfortune he hits a passing car. The guy driving the other car stops. Goliath reverses the car and lets Phil jump in and they drive on towards the airport.
INT.AIRPORT LOUNGE.LATER
All four lads are sitting at the bar having a few drinks, before they board the plane. This wouldn’t be unusual but its 10:20 in the morning. We see a clock in the background showing the time.
JAMES
Well that was a close one lads. No thanks to you, hammerhead. You could have killed us all, with jonty dying a virgin.
Looking at Phil
JAMES
(CONT’D)
I see all those years of pulling the hammer have destroyed your throw, as well as your eyes. We’re all lucky Goliath took that short cut through the field.
JOHN
That wasn’t a short cut. He fell asleep at the wheel. Still can’t believe Goliath killed that cow!
PHIL
If that eejit Goliath hadn’t of arsed about, I wouldn’t have thrown anything at the car. If he had have been driving in a straight line I probably would have hit him.
They look at Goliath he’s sleeping.
ANNOUNCER
Can the last remaining four passengers flying to Liverpool please make their way to gate 13.
They jump up. James and Phil are holding Goliath trying to sober him up. They are slapping him on the face to waken him up, although Phil is giving him a wedgie for badness. They walk up to gate 13 and hand over their passports. The girl lets James, John and Phil through. Then up comes Goliath. He is staggering and it doesn’t look good.
GIRL
Are you flying to Liverpool sir?
GOLIATH
(CHEEKY)
No, I’m walking there, let me through, big girl?
GIRL
I take it he calls everyone big! I’m sorry long-limbs you have obviously been drinking. For the safety of the other passengers as well as height restrictions, I can’t let you board this plane.
PHIL
Come on love. He’s not going to bother anyone. We’ll give him his bottle and he’ll just fall asleep. If anyone’s going to bother anyone, it’ll be that Turkey over there.
Pointing to John.
JOHN
I won’t cause any problems here love. I’ll be cool. I’ve learnt my lesson!
JAMES
Shut up John.
JOHN
What do you mean, shut up? I’m only telling the girl I’m not going to start anything. If anyone is going to start anything, it’ll probably be you. Standing there barking orders!
JAMES
It’s not about you or me. It’s about willow. Listen; is there any chance he can board the plane?
GIRL
I’m very sorry, but he can’t get on the flight. Look at him; he’s in a right state. I take it he’s a lightweight.
PHIL
Buck fast. Well tell us this love, when is the next flight?
GIRL
The next flight to Liverpool is at 13:30.
We look at Phil’s face. He is in deep thought.
INT.PLANE.LATER
The guys are on the plane. As we look we can see James, John and Phil but no Goliath.
JAMES
This is going to be a great holiday. Scouse girls are the best in Britain. And strangely enough the most tanned!
JOHN
You better believe it. I want a big fat one, just like your Da Phil.
As the camera zooms back we see a half-empty plane.
PHIL
And the most important thing is to enjoy ourselves. It’s what Goliath would have wanted.
JAMES
He’s not dead! It’s just a bit of a sly one. It is his birthday after all!
We cut back to Goliath sitting in the departure lounge.
He is still sleeping but has a large piece of paper on his lap saying ’13:30 to Liverpool. Wake me up before you go go, I aint planning on going solo’.
We then go back to the plane where the others are sitting. The cabin girl is approaching them selling refreshments.
JOHN
O no. There’s big Mandy Sprout that you barred from The Hill.
JAMES
Who?
PHIL
We are having some luck today. I hate that bitch. I was the one had to throw her out. Strong girl!
JAMES
Why what did she do?
JOHN
She was challenging anyone in the bar to do press ups.
JAMES
Sure that’s alright.
PHIL
Naked!
JAMES
Still not seeing the problem.
She walks over to them.
MANDY
Any drinks or snacks?
She looks at Phil.
MANDY
(CONT’D)
Pricks.
PHIL
Mandy what about ya kid? Didn’t notice you there... With your clothes on.
MANDY
Hello Philip. I thought that was you, Seen a massive chopper on some guys head and went...
PHIL
Yum yum...That’s the thing I liked about you, you always could spot a chopper from a distance. So you still doing press ups?
MANDY
That was a long time ago. Some people grow up, others don’t. Anyway I’d still do you at press ups.
She begins to shout.
MANDY
(SHOUTING)
Wanna have a go. Wanna go right now. Do ya?
JOHN
Wow, wow, rocky, relax. Can I get three tins of your finest lager, and whatever those two want?
MANDY
Sorry boys, only soft drinks.
JAMES
Listen hot dog, get the drinks in.
MANDY
We don’t sell alcohol until 11:00, cock-tail.
PHIL
And what time is it now?
MANDY
10:55.
FANTASY SEQUENCE
We are in the plane and Mandy is at the front. James gets up looking rather annoyed and walks towards her. He begins to run. She can see him coming.
JAMES
Give us the beers, hot dog.
In one giant leap he dives on her. We then see a victorious James coming back with lots of cold beers.
INT.PLANE.LATER
She walks on taking a swig of beer teasing the lads, sticking her tongue out at them.
Phil looks very uncomfortable. The situation has put him under a lot of stress.
JAMES
Come on it’s not that bad Phil.
PHIL
Knew this would happen. Need a shit.
JOHN
Well go and have one. You’re not in Tully more forest.
PHIL
I know but I don’t want to walk past Fatima Whitbread up there. Probably end up getting flung off this plane like a javelin.
JAMES
Go up; shit all over the place.
PHIL
I think I will.
Phil gets up and goes towards the toilet. He passes Mandy and goes in. He is standing there in the narrow toilet. There is hardly enough room to swing a beer never mind maneuvering yourself to sit on the toilet. He manages to take his trousers down and is ready to take his boxers down, but as he is doing this, there is an unexpected bout of turbulence. It pushes him to the toilet seat with a huge thud. But as soon as he touches the toilet we hear a massive fart. Everyone else on the plane hears it too, including Mandy, James and John. He has successfully gone to the toilet but unsuccessfully managed to take off his boxers in time.
JAMES
(THOUGHTS)
What the hell.
Mandy goes into the cockpit to see if everything is alright.
MANDY
Is everything alright captain?
CAPTAIN
Yes I think we went through an air pocket.
MANDY
Hope that’s all it was. Sounded like someone cutting a yard of cloth.
We then see James and John. They have both managed to get a couple of beers.
JAMES
Sounds like Phil’s a busy man.
JOHN
I’m glad someone’s enjoying themselves.
JAMES
By the sounds of it big Mandy’s going to be a busy girl! Cheers
They both bang their cans together.
CAPTAIN
(ON SPEAKER)
Cabin crew get ready for landing.
Mandy walks over to the toilet and bangs the door. Phil is standing there holding his boxer shorts wondering what the hell to do.
MANDY
Hurry up in there, we are landing now. Hope you’re not doing anything you shouldn’t be doing? We’ve cameras in there you know!
PHIL
(LOOKING SCARED)
Just freshening up sweetheart.
We then see him pulling the handle to get out and the thing breaks off.
PHIL
(SHOUTING)
Hello, hello I’m stuck. Can someone get me out of here, this place stinks. The person that was in here before me must have had a curry with sweetcorn in it.
MANDY
I’m very sorry to hear that, Sir. I’m afraid I can’t help you because I’m on my break. It’s a shame you’re stuck the bar has just opened this minute.
We see her pouring herself a drink and smiling.
EXT.RUNWAY.LATER
We see the plane has landed and in come the firemen to cut him out.
INT.PLANE.LATER
As they get the door open they all get a whiff of the smell, its revolting. As soon as he walks out we hear a big cheer from everyone else on the plane. As he walks out he looks very embarrassed. Mandy gives him a real bitchy smile. Phil repays her compliment by throwing his dirty trunks at her and runs off the plane.
INT.AIRPORT.LATER
James is the last one to get his bags. John and Phil have already got theirs and have gone through the security check already. James then walks up to the security point.
WORKER
Aright lad? Where you coming from?
JAMES
Belfast mate. Everything alright?
WORKER
Can you look into that camera please?
JAMES
(THOUGHTS)
Here we go Castlereagh holding centre all over again!
JAMES
What is this, an audition? Why all the questions? I bet you never asked them two clampets any questions?
WORKER
Don’t be smart lad, alright! We have reason to believe you are a member of a terrorist organisation. Apparently you are wanted back in N. Ireland by special branch. So now we have to send you back to Belfast. Just as well, Irish pussys don’t last long in Scouse jails.
Pause.
We see James’s face drop. He is really worried and is going bright red.
They all then start to laugh. It was all a wind-up. They all find it funny except for James who feels like a right idiot.
JAMES
O it’s like that boys. It’s like that. Funny one. We’ll see who’ll be laughing at the end of this little trip then.
He walks on past them raging.
EXT.BAR.LATER
The lads jump out of the taxi outside The Blob. They all look to be concerned at where James has taken them. This place looks like a complete dive.
JOHN
What sort of a barn-yard is this, James? I mean they have a mat outside to clean your shoes when you leave!
PHIL
Frig sake; trust you to be left in charge on this holiday. Poor Goliath left on his own like an orphan. Us in downtown Baghdad and look at John’s face.
JAMES
What about his face?
PHIL
Look at the state of it. I mean he’s an ugly c**t.
JOHN
Hold on a minute, Dickhead. This face has got me a lot of...
JAMES
What, rape allegations. Enough about your face, I’m starting to feel vulnerable, let’s go in and get some liquor in us.
They walk into the bar.
INT.THE BLOB.LATER
The lads are sitting in the bar having a beer. Although it has a rough interior the lads feel at home with the cheap pints and rough looking women. There are old men propping up the bar. And an old man and woman are singing on the karaoke.
JOHN
Don’t mind this place Jimbo. Cheap pints, cheap women and two cheap skates sitting next to me. Is there any chance of one of you putting your hand in your pockets, Jesus Christ? Where’s the bathroom in this dump any way?
JAMES
See that open door over there. In there, just follow the line of blood and teeth.
John gets up and walks over to the toilets. As he walks in the door closes behind him. We then see it’s the women’s toilets after all.
PHIL
You always get one.
Then we see two older women walk over and sit down next to them.
BIANCA
Hello boys. Mind if we sit down here?
JAMES
Well you have already sat down so, sit down.
JULIE
Hi my name’s Julie and this is Bianca. We just heard your sexy accents and had to come over. Where abouts are you two from?
PHIL
Do you know Wales?
BIANCA
Of course we know Wales; it’s only down the road.
PHIL
Well we’re not from there. From Belfast, the place where dreams are shattered.
BIANCA
So what you doing over here then?
JAMES
We’re part of the Ulster orchestra. We both play the electric triangle.
JULIE
Unusual but charming. So what are your names then?
PHIL
Jacob and Ronald. Everyone knows us back home. We’re very big.
BIANCA
I can imagine you two would be BIG everywhere.
They look at each other and make the fart noise. At that moment Bianca moves her foot in between James’s legs and she starts to rub his crotch. James is taken aback by this, and is then stunned when her shoe comes off and she reveals a pair of tights with holes in them and a big hairy toe hanging out. At the same moment we see John getting chased out of the toilet by some women.
WOMAN
Get out of here, you little pervert.
JOHN
I thought it was the men’s, love. And when I seen you I really thought it was the men’s!
INT.TAXI.LATER
They are on their way to the hotel to drop off their bags and then go to the match. The DRIVER is old, 50’s with grey hair.
JAMES
Alright mate. Could you bring us to the Swinton hotel, please?
DRIVER
Sure, lad.
JOHN
We should really phone that eejit Goliath or he’ll miss that plane as well.
He then phones Goliath.
We then go to the departure lounge and see Goliath waking up with the sign still around him. He answers his phone.
GOLIATH
What’s happening? Where am I?
JOHN
You’re still in Belfast, we’re in Liverpool. Hurry up and get on your plane. It’s leaving in 15 minutes.
GOLIATH
What do you mean? Have you c**ts left me here, thanks a lot. I’m going to slap some heads. This better be a wind-up.
JOHN
Stop causing a scene you root. You we too blocked to get on the flight. So stop throwing a tantrum and get on the plane, we’ll meet you outside Anfield o.k., so get on the plane and wipe that drool off your face.
He hangs up the phone. And wipes the drool off his face.
JOHN
(CONT’D)
Jesus Christ you’d think we deserted him the way he’s getting on. I bet he took his trousers off when he was sleeping too.
We see him putting his trousers back on.
PHIL
Where’s this guy going? I thought this hotel was in the city centre.
JAMES
We’re nearly there, chill out, Phil. This is going to be the best trip ever!
We see them go past a sign saying ‘Birkenhead Tunnel’.
JAMES
(CONT’D)
Tell the driver the one about Goliath, John.
JOHN
You tell him, I wanna laugh.
JAMES
I wanna laugh.
JOHN
The sexual Odessey. Right mate, so we were all away in Majorca for a holiday, chasing a few slappers. So our mate Goliath met this one. So happy days he took her back to the apartment, done the business. So he’s lying there next to her. She starts playing with his hammer. So he says ‘what’s wrong love do you want more sex?’ she says ‘no, just admiring your penis’ so he says why love and they she goes ‘because I used to have one!’
DRIVER
Jesus Christ lad. I’d hate to be in his shoes. And how did you lot find out?
PHIL
He told us.
DRIVER
He must like that type of thing.
JAMES
Your right mate, he has balls.
DRIVER
Who, he does or she has?
JAMES
No, our mate Goliath. He told us that story on his wedding night!
DRIVER
At his wedding, Jesus he must have been desperate.
PHIL
If you’d seen him, you’d realize.
DRIVER
This is your hotel, lads. Have a nice trip.
He stops outside the hotel. The skyline is full of tower blocks and looks more like Kosovo than Merseyside. The hotel looks a shambles and they all look scared.
INT.HOTEL.LATER
They are in the hotel room and are getting ready to go to the match. James is on the phone to his cousin trying to get the tickets.
JAMES
(ON THE PHONE)
So, no joy then, Mick. That’s o.k. that’s not your fault. Well that’s not so bad. I’ll see you later then, cheers.
PHIL
I bet he’s got Everton tickets instead. Dickhead.
JOHN
First we’re staying in Beirut; now we’re watching Everton. I know nothing about football. But I know that’s not good.
JAMES
Change of plan, guys, he can’t get the tickets.
PHIL
We heard that. So are we going to watch Everton then?
JAMES
Everton? No, sure they’re away today. But we got tickets for...
INT.PLANE.LATER
Next we see Goliath on the plane. He is sitting next to a little bastard of a kid who keeps pushing his chair back and annoying him like hell. He’s already made him spill his drink. Something needs to be said, so Goliath starts to fight back.
GOLIATH
(TO MAN IN FRONT)
Excuse me. Could you tell Fish-face to stop pushing his chair back? He has just spilt my drink.
AMERCIAN
What did you say about my child? He’s a big Fish, I mean, fella, he needs the room.
GOLIATH
I can see he’s no stranger to a Fish supper. But can he have a little consideration for the birthday boy please.
At that moment a light shines on Goliath. Like he is the centre of everyone’s attention.
GOLIATH
(TO THE AIRHOSTESS)
Can you not shine that torch at me?
AMERCIAN
My boy can do what he wants, period.
GOLIATH
(UNDER HIS BREATH)
Inbred.
AMERCIAN
Excuse me.
Goliath does the fart sound.
It is later on in the flight. The child is jumping up and down on his chair and banging into Goliath. He is really pissed off, and the kid is making faces at him. Goliath is really angry and starts making fat faces at the child who then starts crying. His dad then looks at Goliath.
AMERCIAN
Have you made my boy cry?
GOLIATH
Listen cowboy, shut up. I was trying to be civil. But you obviously can’t even spell the word never mind understand the word. So please don’t even talk to me, period!
AMERCIAN
Are you saying I'm stupid, son? Is that what you’re saying, boy?
CABIN GIRL
Excuse me gentlemen, other people are complaining. Could you keep it down?
BOTH OF THEM
Sorry.
They both give each other dirty looks. They get off the plane and are getting their bags. The two Americans are in front of Goliath, he is carrying a small bag and another bag with a hardback book in it. He speeds up behind the two and then swings the plastic bag at the child and connects with the back of his head. He runs on and the kid is in hysterics crying.
GOLIATH
(THOUGHTS)
Dear diary Jackpot.
EXT.MATCH.LATER
The lads are outside the ground and are just about to go in. They all look really pissed off, apart from James who is trying to make the most of things.
JAMES
Chill out guys Tranmere are doing well in league one. Anyway we have tonight to look forward to. Come on, it’s a 12,000 sell out.
They then walk into the ground for the match. We then see them walk out at full time.
PHIL
That has got to be the worst game of football I’ve ever seen in my life. Not a shot on target, what a nightmare.
JOHN
I know I’d rather pay a tenner to watch the blues play Cliftonville. But here, those away fans looked rough, didn't they?
At that moment we see the away fans mixing with the home fans. There is a slight minor scuffle. The next thing there is a full-blown riot with the guys getting stuck in the middle. We see punches getting thrown and next thing someone swing a punch at James. He is wearing his glasses, so knowing he is going to be fighting he takes them off, but before he stops and thinks he hits someone in the face but the stupid c**t still had his glasses in his hand and now they are broken. They all manage to break free and then get back to the town.
PHIL
Nice punch Rocky.
JAMES
Shut up. As soon as I took them off, he ran at me. Best, form of defence is attack! You can’t teach that, its instinct.
JOHN
You know who you’re going to bump into in Specsavers when you get home, everybody
JAMES
It’s alright, lads. I only wear them when I watch the football. We’ll jump in a taxi and head to Angel’s. You’ll love this place. Shit, that’s right, Goliath’s outside Anfield. Someone phone that eejit and tell him we’ll meet him at Angel’s.
PHIL
Jesus Christ he’s going to go mental. I know, I’ll text him so he can’t shout.
Phil then sends him a text telling him that they are going to Angels.
INT.BAR.LATER
Goliath is standing next to some big girl (in comparison to him) in a bar outside Anfield. She is middle aged and is trying to pull him. He is talking to her then his phone beeps.
He looks at his phone. It says sorry mate went to the Tranmere match, will meet you at Angel’s.
GOLIATH
Sorry baby. My so-called friends have remembered me again. Was nice meeting you though.
AUL WOMAN
Bye, Goliath, was nice to have met you. Sorry Goliath. Why do they call you Goliath anyway?
GOLIATH
Well my father was 6ft 8 and he wanted me to be named after him. But nature dealt me a cruel hand.
AUL WOMAN
So your father’s called Goliath?
GOLIATH
No Wesley!
He walks out and stops a taxi.
GOLIATH
Take us to Angels, chief.
TAXI DRIVER
You mean the Blue Angel, mate.
GOLIATH
Aye... mate, the Blue Angel. Cheers.
EXT.OUTSIDE CLUB.NIGHT
James, John and Phil are outside the club. They have just got out of the taxi and are just about to go into the club. But John being John has to have a piss in the street, instead of waiting until he gets into the club. At this moment he is seen by a couple of cops.
JAMES
John there’s the cops.
JOHN
What? O shit, I’ll pretend I was being sick.
PHIL
Yea good one John. Being sick and it smelling of piss.
The cops walk over and question John.
COP
What’s going on here, lad?
JOHN
Officer I was feeling a bit sick there. That’s why I was over in the corner, trying to be sick. Won’t happen again.
COP
That’s interesting, very interesting. Because in all my years in the force and watching people being sick, I have never seen someone able to spell their name in sick.
JOHN
That’s probably cos you’ve been sitting on your fat ass eating donuts.
COP
You’re nicked.
We look on the ground and see John's name spelt perfectly in piss, even underlined. The other two laugh. We then see John getting put into the back of the police car and it driving off. The lads turn around and walk into the club.
PHIL
The show must go on.
INT.CLUB.LATER
James and Phil are in the strip club and are enjoying the scenery. Finally things seem to be looking up.
JAMES
Well has the daddyo done it or what? I mean this is the place isn’t it? I mean we have lost two men, but sacrifices sometimes have to be made.
PHIL
All is forgiven. Some of these girls are out of this world. Shame Goliath and John missed all the fun. I wonder what they’re up to now.
We then see Goliath inside another club looking for the others; it’s packed full of men! We then see John in the police station getting his fingerprints taken.
Meanwhile, back in the strip club, the lads look to be getting the eye from two girls at the other side of the bar.
FANTASY SEQUENCE
INT.STRIP CLUB.
There are lots of girls inside the club and outside, queuing up. It’s full of beautiful women James is the only guy in there and is the only dancer. All the girls are holding dollars in their hands and are waiting for a dance.
JAMES
Calm down, ladies, only two at a time.
THE GIRLS
Aaggg
Then all the girls pounce on James and lumber him.
JAMES
(THOUGHTS)
But would I be happy?
INT.STRIP CLUB.LATER
JAMES
Phil, see those two girls over there. They want it man, I am telling you, just watch, learn, and get the beers in.
PHIL
They’re £4 a bottle and its Carlsberg super!
James does the robot as he walks over to the girls.
PHIL
Not the robot.
He manages to get them rather easily over to their table. They all sit down.
It’s a bit later on and they guys looked to have pulled.
GIRL 1
Well it’s closing up now are you two studs coming back to ours for a party and some fun?
JAMES
Sounds like a plan to me. What do you think young Philip?
PHIL
Best thing I have heard all day. Hold on to I go to the toilet.
JAMES
Aye, me too. Don’t be going anywhere girls!
They walk to the toilet in a hurry, with James doing a very quick robot. Both with huge grins on their faces, knowing they have touched. They rush to the toilets wanting to get back to the girls.
JAMES
Right play it cool here, big lad, and we are in. Happy days.
PHIL
You wanna make it a long night. Take one of these bad boys.
He hands him over a little blue tablet; it’s a Viagra.
JAMES
I’m not too sure, Phil.
PHIL
Take it I guarantee that in a few hours you’ll be lying back with a smile on your face thanking me.
James looks back at Phil and smiles.
JAMES
Bottoms up. Literally.
They both walk out of the toilet and walk over to the girls.
GIRL 1
O.K. guys, you ready? Don’t forget to finish your drinks. The price of it in here and all.
They both pick up their bottles and finish what’s left of them and leave.
INT.HOTEL ROOM.LATER
We see what looks to be a very messy hotel room. It looks like more of a struggle than a night of passion and that assumption seems to be correct. As we zoom the camera over we see two pairs of feet, one is Phil’s and the other is James’s. They have been stitched up in more ways than one. They are both tied up together on the bed and it looks like the Viagra still hasn’t worn off yet.
JAMES
(THOUGHTS)
Hotel room. Must have brought those girls back, cool. Feel a bit groggy, though, must have drank a little too much. She was a babe; wait till I tell the others.
He looks rounds and sees Phil who is tied up. He notices he is tied up too. He screams.
JAMES
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. Get off me Phil you dirtbag.
Phil begins to wake up.
PHIL
What’s happening? Where am I?
JAMES
What’s happening? Those two bitches have robbed us. I can’t believe you. This is all your fault.
PHIL
How’s this my fault. Did I know this was going to happen?
JAMES
Knowing you, you probably did. I’ve seen the way that you were looking at me earlier on, you weirdo. You’re probably not even tied up; you just wanna get close to me.
PHIL
Just shut up, please. You’re giving my arse a sore head.
JAMES
Is your arse sore?
PHIL
No, shut up.
JAMES
Well, tell us this, brain cell. How are we going to get out of this with a tad of self-respect? Because as soon as we’re found tied up, in a rather dodgey position and with two f**king hard on’s, people are going to start asking questions.
PHIL
You probably didn’t even take your Viagra.
JAMES
You’re very funny aren’t you? Well to be honest, do you know what my last memory was before they spiked us? And remember you were well out cold well before me. It was the one that you were with, with a cucumber in her hand, loitering with intent.
PHIL
Don’t talk rubbish.
JAMES
Swear to god, that's what I seen. You even had a little smile on your face. Must have like it.
Phil elbows James and he screams
At that moment the door knocks. It’s a porter. Having heard the bang he wants to know if every things alright.
PORTER
Hello. Is everything O.K. in there, Madam
PHIL
(TO JAMES)
You scream like a woman.
JAMES
Shut up what are we going to do here? We need to get out of this mess.
PHIL
And how? Have some c**t come in and find us like this. If only you had took us to a normal club full of fat girls. Everything would have been ok. I mean fat girls need love too.
JAMES
Please shut up.
He hits Phil
PORTER
Is everything O.K., Madam?
PHIL
He is talking to you.
James tries to bite Phil. He lets out a scream and then the porter enters the room.
EXT.CLUB.LATER
Goliath walks out of the club looking rather annoyed. It has been his birthday after all but has turned into a game of cat and mouse. But, unable to find the lads, he decides to go back to the hotel.
He stops a taxi.
GOLIATH
Alright mate. Can you take us to the Swinton Hotel please?
TAXI DRIVER
Yes, lad, sure, hop in.
GOLIATH
Just out of interest, how much will it cost?
TAXI DRIVER
About 20 quid lad.
We see Goliath put his hand in his pocket and he takes out what he has left. It’s around 8 quid, but he decides to jump in anyway.
TAXI DRIVER
(CONT’D)
So, did you have a good night lad?
GOLIATH
No mate terrible. Is it just me or are there not many women in Liverpool? That bar was a nightmare to pull. Although the guys where really friendly.
TAXI DRIVER
It’s a gay bar, lad.
GOLIATH
Them bastards. O dear god, I thought it was just full of stag parties. Take me home, mate.
TAXI DRIVER
Relax, lad. Hey, I dropped a few other Irish lads off there earlier on. Good lads, they were telling me about their mate from Belfast, Goliath I think he’s called. What’s your name mate?
GOLIATH
Samson.
TAXI DRIVER
Cool, I’m Steve. Apparently this lad met some tart in Spain a while back, shagged her and then found out she was a lad.
GOLIATH
Sad bastard. I bet he was a good-looking c**t though.
The driver looks at him in a funny way.
TAXI DRIVER
You sure you’re not gay?
GOLIATH
No it’s just those things usually happen to nice, fun loving good-looking people, that’s all.
TAXI DRIVER
Of course mate, but that’s not the best bit. Apparently the sad bastard is still with her. This is your stop, mate.
GOLIATH
Cheers mate.
As soon as the car comes to a stop Goliath opens his door and tries to do a runner. But to his misfortune the poor sod has forgot to take his seat belt off. Looks like another trip to the station.
TAXI DRIVER
You little prick!
INT.POLICE STATION.LATER
John, James and Phil are all in the police station. John has got a slap on the wrists for pissing on the street, he only has to pay a small fine and James and Phil are giving their statements to the police.
POLICE MAN
O.K. Mr. McCarron I hope that you will use public toilets in the future if you’re feeling under the weather.
JOHN
I will indeed. Sorry for the trouble.
POLICE MAN
As for you two, we will try everything we can to find these two girls. But what I can say is they’re definitely two pros.
PHIL
What do you mean, prostitutes?
POLICE MAN
Professionals.
JAMES
So this sort of thing has happened a few times before?
POLICE MAN
Well not exactly. Not all the victims of these attacks have been found in your position.
JAMES
(THOUGHTS)
Bastard porter.
JAMES
I don’t know why that porter had to tell you everything.
PHIL
I suppose. It’s a long story.
POLICE MAN
How long?
JAMES
About 7 inches.
On that note up pulls a taxi. The lads walk over hoping to jump in it. As they walk out, who jumps out? Only Goliath.
POLICE MAN
What’s happened here?
TAXI DRIVER
Linford Christie here tried to do a runner.
He then looks at the guys
Alright lads what happened to you lot then.
JOHN
Long story mate. What happened to you, Goliath?
TAXI DRIVER
Is this the knob head Goliath you were telling me about? First you shag a man and now you run from taxis! Can you do anything right?
GOLIATH
I’m a good forklift driver.
INT.PLANE.LATER
The lads are all sitting in silence the holiday has turned to nightmare. Murphy’s Law, what can go wrong will go wrong. But could anything else take a turn for the worse?
GOLIATH
Well James I have to thank you for the effort that you put into this holiday. I mean you planned this for months and months and I just want you to know thanks a f**king lot for f**king nothing you ballbag.
JAMES
You are an ungrateful little bastard. I mean I haven’t really had the best of days either. You know what, I hope this plane crashes.
At that moment we hear the captain announce that we have a problem and everyone get in the brace position for a crash landing. The lads look real worried.
JAMES
(THOUGHTS)
Screams.
They have to make an emergency landing and the pilot manages to land safely. At that moment a sense of calm seems to have entered the plane. Then Phil gets up and stands in the middle of the aisle and he pulls out his hanky and bends over and pretends to clean his arse, the rest of the plane cheer in amusement.
INT.BAR.LATER
They are all sitting in the Hill Tavern, having arrived home unscathed (well almost). There is not much to say. The short holiday was a nightmare. Then a local, John Shearer, walks down to the lads to speak to them.
SHEARER
The wanderers return. Well how was it?
GOLIATH
Brilliant, John. Would go back tomorrow if I could.
SHEARER
Told you it was brilliant? Here, I tell you what, we have a spare ticket for next week’s game.
GOLIATH
No, you’re alright John. I’m working.
SHEARER
So all and all a great time. Anfield’s brilliant, isn’t it? All those stories about scousers robbing you are all bullshit, aren’t they? Even the peelers are dead on. That’s right, I heard about that plane had to make a crash landing, that wasn’t your flight?
JAMES
No we got the boat.
