Int. John’s Corner Shop – 11.00
John (30s), the owner, is stood at the counter reading a magazine. The door to the shop opens, with the ring of a bell and in walks Rich (25) who is carrying an empty glass bottle. Rich strides up to the counter and puts the bottle on the counter.
Rich: Well, c’mon, what’ve you got to say for yourself?
John looks at the bottle and then back at Rich
John: Ah right, I see. You need the bottle bank next door. This is merely a corner shop.
Rich: Oh is it? Oh I am sorry! My mistake!
Rich takes the bottle, turns around and starts walking out. He stops and then turns round.
Rich: Wait a minute. Wait a minute! I’m not looking for a bottle bank! I came in to complain about this! And you know it!
Rich puts the bottle back down on the counter.
Rich: You’ve been rumbled, mate.
John: The only thing rumbling is my stomach, I’m afraid. This new diet makes me awfully peckish.
Rich: Don’t try and wriggle your way out of this one. I know what you’re up to (PICKS UP BOTTLE) with this.
John: (KNOWINGLY) Here we go again.
Rich: It’s OUT OF DATE vodka isn’t it? Food poisoning in a bottle! I started drinking it last night and soon developed fever like symptoms.
John: Oh, a fever you say? How ghastly. I hope you weren’t ‘too’ bad.
Rich: I was delirious, nauseous and irrational.
John: Tell me, have you ever imbibed alcohol before? Prior to a nervous breakdown, perhaps?
Rich: No! Now, let me finish. I was sick 37 times and also seemed to think that tucking a pair of bellows into the back of my trousers was the height of fashion. Where those bellows are now and what my mother will say when she finds them missing is an utter mystery.
John: I don’t wish to be rude, but I think you simply had a little too much to drink.
Rich: WHAT?! How dare you?!
John: Look, when exactly is this going to stop?
Rich: It’ll be stopping damn soon! The games up; I’m going to see the health and safety people about you.
John: Ah right. And I guess you’re going to tell them about the out of date cigarettes I sold you last week?
Rich: You can bet your life on it.
John: Cigarettes that were so out of date that they resulted in you getting a ‘throaty cough’?
Rich: That’s right, mister.
John: Well it certainly sounds a watertight case. May I ask what else you have on me?
Rich: Well, there’s that bag of sugar that was out of date.
John: Oh yes! I remember! 3 fillings wasn’t it?
Rich: 4! I had to sit in the dentist’s chair for an hour!
John: My heart bleeds. Really it does!
Rich: How on earth do you sleep at night?
John: (UNDER HIS BREATH) Why don’t you ask your wife?
Rich: You what?! What was that?!
John: Just trying to inject a little humour into the proceedings. It helps to defuse volatile situations such as this.
Rich: That reminds me. I’ve got a bone to pick with you about my son. Little Alfie.
John: Out of date condom was it?
Rich: NO! It was you! You’re the mystery man my wife was seeing last year aren’t you?! You fathered my son, didn’t you?!
John comes round from behind the counter.
John: How dare you! HOW DARE YOU! You come in here accusing me of selling shoddy goods and now this? Adultery?! I’ve never even met your wife! You’re out of your nut! Get out! GET OUT!
John starts to shoo Rich out and gets him into the doorway
Rich: Get off me! Get your filthy hands off of me!
John chucks Rich out of the shop. John turns to face the camera.
John: Oh if only his wife had said the same thing, eh?
END.
© Ben Ricketts 2007
