Men versus jar

As a follow up to 'man versus a jar' i thought i'd upload this.
Bit too long for a sketch maybe....who knows

The premise of this is not to upset homosexuals or their friends.

At this juncture every time the word ‘mince’ is mentioned a camp posture must ensue...or else there will be trouble...remember that

4pm INT.KITCHEN

STEPHEN WHEELER IS A FRAGILE LOOKING MAN IN HIS LATE TWENTIES AND IS CURRENTLY TRYING BUT FAILING TO OPEN A JAR OF COOKING SAUCE. HE CALLS HIS PARTNER ALEXANDER TO ASSIST HIM.

STEPHEN
Alex Darling? Will you be a sweetie and open this jar for me

BURLY MOUSTACHE’D ALEXANDER, IS A WELSH MAN IN HIS EARLY FIFTIES (THINK A WINDSOR DAVIES TYPE IF YOU WILL), HE STRIDES CONFIDENTLY INTO THE KITCHEN AND TAKES THE JAR FROM HIM.

ALEXANDER
Anything for you my young puppy

ALEXANDER MAKES A FEEBLE ATTEMPT TO OPEN THE JAR,

STEPHEN
Maybe you should try banging it on the work top?

ALEXANDER TAKES A BREATHER FROM HIS EFFORTS

ALEXANDER
No, no, no, broken glass everywhere? Really Stephen
Have faith, I’ll break its back

STEPHEN
Hurry up I need it for the (BEAT) mince

ALEXANDER
One minute Stevie, I’m just limbering up, Impetuous youth

HE COMMENCES HIS SECOND FEEBLE ATTEMPT AT JAR OPENING. BENT OVER, HE GRUNTS AND STRAINS HIS WAY AROUND THE KITCHEN RATHER TOO DRAMATICALLY

STEPHEN
Is this for my benefit?

ALEX PAUSES MOMENTARILY

ALEXANDER
Playing hard to get eh!
I’ve met your sort before

HE GIVES THE JAR ANOTHER QUICK LACKLUSTRE SQUEEZE
AND GIVES UP

ALEXANDER
No, it’s no good, I’m beat.
I feel, I feel I’ve let you down Stevie.
What sort of life partner can’t even open a jar ????

STEPHEN
It’s only chili sauce for the (BEAT) mince Alexander!

LEANING AGAINST THE WORKTOP LOOKING DEPRESSED A SHIMMER OF HOPE ARRISES

ALEXANDER
(WITH A GLINT OF MISCHIEF)
Unless……Yes, maybe, just maybe

CUT TO: ALEXANDER WITH HIS TROUSERS AROUND HIS ANKLES BENT OVER WITH STEPHEN PUSHING THE JAR UP HIS ARSE

ALEXANDER
(STRUGGLING)
Just get the lid in!

STEPHEN
I’m trying….It’s not easy

ALEXANDER
Try harder Stevie, try harder!

STEPHEN
Are you sure you’re not enjoying this?

ALEXANDER
The very idea ! Do you want the sauce for the....

STEPHEN
Of course, the (BEAT) mince will be too dry otherwise

ALEXANDER
Well put your back into it

STEPHEN
I can do it put your ass in to it

ALEXANDER
I can do it put your back in to it

STEPHEN
I can do it put your ass in to it

ALEXANDER
I can do it put your back in to it

STEPHEN
Put your ass in to it

ALEXANDER
Put your back into it

STEPHEN
This reminds me of THAT time in Brighton.
Can’t help thinking about THAT time in Brighton

ALEXANDER
Think about the (BEAT) mince instead then!

A LOUD POP CAN BE HEARD……TEARS APPEAR IN ALEXANDERS EYES

STEPHEN
Eureka!

ALEXANDER
(BOOMING)
Gordon's alive!

STEPHEN
Now what?

ALEXANDER
Right, listen carefully, its chili sauce so proceed with caution, caution.
I’ll grip, you twist? Go!

STEPHEN
Grip, twist, go…like a scooter

ALEXANDER
(SLIGHT CONTEMPT )
No Stephen not like a scooter, like a man who’s using another man’s anus to open a jar of sauce.

THE SOUND OF A JAR CAN BE HEARD OPENING FOLLOWED BY A HISS AND A PLOP

ALEXANDER
Ahhhh I am vindicated.
But at what price?

ALEXANDER COLLAPSES ON THE FLOOR IN A HEAP OF DRAMATIC EXHAUSTION

STEPHEN
(CHECKS THE LABEL)
Oh wait… It’s the wrong one...

8PM INT.DINING ROOM

STEPHEN IS SAT AT THE DINING TABLE

STEPHEN
Alex can you bring the tobasco with you

ALEXANDER HOBBLES INTO VIEW BOW LEGGED LIKE JOHN WAYNE

STEPHEN
Well?

ALEXANDER
I had to plug it with an apple

CAUTIOUSLY HE SITS

STEPHEN
(GRINNING WITH A FORK FULL OF FOOD)
Worth it though

ALEXANDER
Yes, I guess so, trust you to get a jar with 25 percent extra free

STEPHEN
You know me, I can’t pass up a bargain

ALEXANDER
Yes I was having great difficulty with it too

Hmmm

Nothing, zilch, nada, nowt

Did i use the wrong kind of sauce?

Well I wouldn't think his arse would be tight enough for it to work.

Just a guess though - and a bit over long. (ooh er)

Hi again David

Yeah about the length of the sketch. If this sketch was in a sketch show (stop laughing at the back) then the 8PM INT.DINING ROOM part would be later on in the show. Does that help?

As for his arse not being tight enough, well i really, really, don't know.
Actually would it matter? i don't think you'd find many actors matching the Windsor Davies type brief willing to road test the idea, maybe get a stunt anus instead? or a prosthetic butt?

Hmmmmmm

Just a guess!

For me it should have stopped with it being the wrong sauce. I don't know. It was a strange one and I honestly feel that there would be a market out there for this but not the mainstream market.

It rather reminded me of The Young Ones. You know how every now and then they'd go off on one and you'd be privvy to some character that wasn't part of the plot. A sort of bonkers sideways step into their lives.

I'm sorry if this is a rubbish crit but I'm pretty new to comedy writing myself and don't feel qualified to say much about anything that's outside the box (or even in it!).

It was well written and amusing but I can see it being a very tricky one to sell.

To be honest, I think that some gay people out there would be a bit offended by the gay stereotypes you've used. The fact that you had to state your intention of not wanting to offend homosexuals made me think that you weren't sure whether people would take offence or not.

I thought the subject was rather crude and handled childishly. The whole 'put your ass into it etc song idea' was quite weak.

Sorry to be so harsh, but that's just what I felt.

Not wishing to gang up in any way, as this forum needs to stick together..

But I agree with Winter on this one...didn't float my boat for the same reasons.

Stick at it though (she said whilst reassuring herself too!)

Good stuff

Some interesting feedback, thanks folks.

I didn't want anyone to think i was queer bashing or homophobic, however i do find camp fellows amusing at times.
Lets face it Biggins wouldn't be where he is today is he wasn't a big old mincer and everyone loves Biggins me included.

Maybe Stephen could be Asian, that would alter the stereotype dynamics and drop the whole 'mince' motion thing. I wasn't too keen on that, still it's better to have too much than too little as you can leave what you don't want on your plate.

However i quite like the 'you can do it' Ice Cube song as its still relatively contemporary and fits in with the sketch.

As for crude, crude yeah, i like Sarah Silverman and not just because she's one 'Hot' Jew, she's really really crude!

I was thinking i could get a few more sketches out of this...for example when Alexander and Stephen (Sanjay) visit Stephen's (Sanjay's) nan and she can't open her bottle of medication.....so Sanjay has a go....then Alexander has a go..then Alexander has an idea

The final sketch being Alexander in Hospital with a jar stuck up his Harris and the ward staff wholey unconvinced by his 'just trying to open it' story.

Who knows...............................

This has very little to do with the thread save for Chris Biggins.

Years ago I was invited to a 'pink and green fancy dress party'.
Being myself I embraced the concept and wore a pair of bright pink tights a green lycra, swimsuit type thing that you wear to exercise, chunky lime green sandals, deely boppers on my head, a tuttu and a wand. When I got there nobody else was in fancy dress. The rest just did the colours. I thought this was fab. Chris Biggins turned up and made a bee-line for me (dunno why!!) and said 'who are you?'
I goes, 'I'm the vegan fairy'
He goes, 'You may kiss me, vegan fairy'.
And I did and we had a good old camp night!!!!

I am not concerned myself whether anyone fron the Gay Community would be offended or not by this sketch as IMHO there is nothing offensive in it. As I am such a well-balanced chap, my measure of a sketch is, if I'm not offended, then it's not offensive!

Somebody of course WILL find it offensive, you can be sure of that!

I liked the (pause) mince line the first time but for me it's not strong enough to repeat. The big problem for me with this sketch is that I didn't find it funny. It's too crude/graphic for my taste. Better for me would have been a much shorter sketch where at the point where the older guy decides he can't open the jar he just takes a look at his partners bum and then the jar and gives a knowing look and says, "I know how I can open it..." end of sketch.

Hey, just a thought geezer!!!

I have nothing wrong with crude humour. Some of the things I first posted on here were shockingly crude, but it's all to do with how you deliver it. If you don't handle it well then it can come out crass and childish.

The quality of the delivery though may well be "in the eye of the beholder"...

Crude is often crass, and crudity is often childish.. goes with the territory?

?

I know, but its possible to be crude with some thinking behind it rather than just for a cheap laugh.

Quote: Winterlight @ November 28, 2007, 7:06 PM

I know, but its possible to be crude with some thinking behind it rather than just for a cheap laugh.

View original

Yep, I'd agree with that!

I like this idea from the above sketch:
-------------------------------------------------------
INT. KITCHEN. TWO EFFEMINATE MEN.

Man1: I can't get the lid off this jar of sauce..

Man2: Let me have a go then..

Man1: I need it for the (beat) mince (LAST WORD VAGUELY APOLOGETICALLY)

THEY BOTH "LOOK" AT EACH OTHER.

END
-------------------------------------------------------

To me the above is hilarious but I wonder what the writer thinks?

Sorry if I'm offending anyone here! It's not my intention ("ooo, it never is, is it Frankie..")

Frankie xxx