I had an idea for a series of sketches years and years ago in secondary school, centred on "the useless robber". Every sketch he would, funnily enough, steal something worthless. Tickled me at the time. I think I can remember a couple of ideas.
SCENE: AN EMPTY STREET. WE HEAR THE 'ROBBER THEME' - THE CLASSIC "DUM, DUM DUM DUM DURRRM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM" WHICH USUALLY ACCOMPANIES STRIPEY-TOPPED VILLAINS. WE SEE AN EXPENSIVE LOOKING BIKE CHAINED TO A LAMPPOST.
THE USELESS ROBBER ENTERS, WEARING A REFLECTIVE JACKET. HE LOOKS AROUND, STEALTHILY. HE SPOTS THE BICYCLE. HE RUBS HIS HANDS TOGETHER. HE TALKS IN A HEAVY COCKNEY ACCENT.
USELESS ROBBER:
(Shouting) The fools!
THE USELESS ROBBER PUTS HIS HAND TO HIS MOUTH AND STEELS HIMSELF. TAKING OUT A GIANT PAIR OF WIRE CUTTERS, HE CUTS OFF THE CHAIN. LOOKING AROUND, HE BACKS OFF, STILL CLUTCHING THE CHAIN.
USELESS ROBBER:
Hee hee hee. This'll come in handy.
THE USELESS ROBBER EXITS. PAUSE. HE RUNS BACK INTO SHOT, LOOKS AT THE BIKE, AND STEALS A CLACKY BEAD ATTACHED TO ONE OF THE SPOKES (LIKE THE SORT YOU USED TO GET FREE IN CEREAL PACKETS)
USELESS ROBBER:
Like taking candy from a baby.
***
USELESS ROBBER 2
SCENE: LONDON TUBE. VERY BUSY. LOTS OF YUPPIES. WE HEAR THE 'ROBBER THEME' - THE CLASSIC "DUM, DUM DUM DUM DURRRM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM" WHICH USUALLY ACCOMPANIES STRIPEY-TOPPED VILLAINS. WE SEE THE USELESS ROBBER IN HIS USUAL ATTIRE BARGING PAST PEOPLE. HE SCANS THE AREA, CASTING HIS GAZE OVER SEVERAL BUSINESS-TYPES, BEFORE SETTLING ON A LITTLE OLD MAN WITH A TROLLEY. WE SEE THE OLD MAN IS READING A PIECE OF PAPER WITH "EVICTION NOTICE" WRITTEN AT THE TOP, AND SHAKING HIS HEAD. HE REACHES IN HIS POCKET FOR A CIGARETTE, BUT THE BOX IS EMPTY. HE THEN GOES TO SLEEP.
USELESS ROBBER:
Perfect.
THE USELESS ROBBER MAKES SEVERAL "SLY" ATTEMPTS TO PICK THE MAN'S POCKET, BUT IS OUT OF HIS DEPTH. HE CLIMBS ALL OVER THE MAN, BUT STILL HE DOES NOT WAKE UP. EVENTUALLY FINDING THE WALLET IN A TROUSER POCKET, THE USELESS ROBBER RIFLES THROUGH IT, DROPPING MONEY AND CREDIT CARDS TO THE FLOOR. HE POCKETS A MATALAN CARD, A NECTAR CARD AND SOME RECEIPTS.
USELESS ROBBER:
Hee hee hee. Moves like a butterfly, stings like a bee.
THE USELESS ROBBER THROWS THE WALLET ASIDE AND DIVES OFF THE TUBE.
USELESS ROBBER:
Now. Where am I?
