OK, I guess that block of writing might have been a bit daunting. Or maybe people are too polite to post lots of negative comments!! So I'll put it up in instalments. Not much substance to this instalment as a consequence, but hey. I guess I would quite like some feedback on this one.
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This is a slightly-revamped cousin of something I sent to the BBC several years ago. The re-jigging means that it's a bit shorter than it should be. The project has stalled somewhat, as I'm not entirely happy with it (not close, really!) but I thought people might like to offer their criticism. I've written several of them. This episode was written chiefly by me but my writing partner plays a more prominent role in later episodes.
I'm working on another project at the moment but I think this radio show still has some legs. Apologies for the formatting.
‘SAIL AWAY’
EPISODE ONE: FISH PASTE
By James Williams and Robert Bassett
F/X: SEA.
Announcer:
Somewhere off the coast of The Isle of Wight, three of fortune’s fools are bravely attempting to circumnavigate the globe. How will this triumvirate of society’s flotsam and jetsam fare? Well, I know the ending, and they all survive, which is a bit disappointing.
GRAMS: THEME MUSIC, ENYA’S ‘ORINOCO FLOW’ IF POSSIBLE
F/X: TAPE STOPPING
Pete: Yep, I’ve had enough of that.
Cass: Hey! What are you doing?
Doug: I was enjoying that.
Pete: I’m not listening to that tripe.
Cass: I’ll turn it over.
F/X: CASS TURNING THE TAPE. ‘WE ARE SAILING’ BEGINS
Pete: What is this tape? ‘Captain Birdseye’s Greatest Hits’? Switch it off.
F/X: TAPE STOPPING
Cass: I was just trying to create a mood.
Pete: What kind of mood? Suicidal?
Cass: Peace, calmness, tranquillity - the mood of being at sea.
F/X: WAVE
Pete: Oh shame, it would have taken my mind off things a bit.
Cass: Think about it! We’re free, unchained from fixed abodes, western society, and the rat-race.
Pete: Free? And what have we done with all this spare time we’ve freed up, time that we’d otherwise be spending sat in front of Noel Edmonds or limping round Asda buying pre-cooked chickens? I’ll tell you – vomited a lot. It’s not my idea of a free lunch.
Cass: You’d both be on the street if it weren’t for me and my sponsorship deal. And there’s a good chance we’ll be famous.
Pete: Oh yes: a small, barely readable tribute in The Guinness Book Of Records under the grand title: Three men sail around the world ... in a two-man boat!
Cass: I’m not a man, Pete.
Pete: I don’t care! Only weirdoes with rubber limbs and nothing better to do want to get into the Guinness Book of Records. You should’ve gone cherry-pip spitting.
Cass: I don’t know how to spit.
Pete: You don’t know how to spit? I bet you had fun finding that out.
Doug: Remember my ten-inch long toenails? Took me five years to grow those things. Turns out the record was ten metres, held by the one hundred and fifteen year-old Chief of a curious Tibetan tribe that ritually consumes narcotic growth hormones. Didn’t stand a chance. And I haven’t worn half of those pairs of sandals again....
Cass: I’m just saying that everyone needs a vision.
Pete: There are three reasons that we’re here, Cass: property prices, unemployment and the Facebook group you set up called ‘Become famous, see the world and live rent-free for a year’.
Doug: I wasn’t unemployed.
Pete: You can’t lie to me, Doug, we were living together. You’ve been mooning about with nothing to do claiming unemployment benefits for months.
Doug: Been designing corporate websites, actually.
Pete: Sure. I’ve seen your mail – you’ve been designing a website for the Inland Revenue, have you?
Doug: Actually, Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs can’t touch me out here. It’s “Inland”, isn’t it? It said so on Wikipedia. And looking at somebody else’s post is a criminal offence.
Pete: They print “Inland Revenue” on the envelope, you cretin. Why would I want to open your mail? I know the post you get. It’d be a toss-up between anthrax and Big Knockers Magazine, wouldn’t it?
