Man versus Jar

A cheapo first attempt on the man help woman, man fail cliche. I tend to like visual comedy (eg. Rik Mayall's face) so use your imagination, ta'.

4pm INT.KITCHEN

WIFE IS IN THE KITCHEN
TRYING TO OPEN A JAR OF COOKING SAUCE

WIFE
Darling? Darling? Will you be a sweetie and open this jar for me

HUSBAND STRIDES CONFIDENTLY INTO THE KITCHEN
AND TAKES THE JAR FROM HER

HUSBAND
Anything for you poppet

THE HUSBAND ATTEMPTS TO OPEN THE JAR, HIS
FACE SLOWLY REDENING IN THE PROCESS AS HE STRAINS

WIFE
Maybe you should

HUSBAND
No,No

WIFE
Try banging it on the work top

HUSBAND TAKES A BREATHER FROM HIS EFFORTS

HUSBAND
I felt it going then, I’ll break its back no worries

WIFE
Can I have it then? I need it for the mince

HUSBAND
One minute love, I’m just warming up

HE COMMENCES HIS SECOND ATTEMPT AT JAR OPENING.
BENT OVER, HE GRUNTS AND STRAINS HIS WAY AROUND THE KITCHEN, RELEASING THE OCCASIONAL UNRECOGNISABLE EXPLETIVE AND GETTING EVER REDDER.

WIFE
I can just get another jar out if you can’t open it?

HUSBAND
(SHAKING WITH EFFORT, FRUSTRATION AND CONTEMPT, HE HISSES)
Ofcourse…..I can…open..it

WIFE
Try running it under the hot tap

HE PAUSES MOMENTARILY

HUSBAND
(DEFIANTLEY)
I do not need to run it under the hot tap
Or bang it on the work (BEAT) top!

WIFE
(LOOKING PENSIVE)
But that’s a lot of effort doing it your way

IGNORING HER HE DOES BATTLE WITH THE JAR, GRUNTING WHINING AND JUDDERING AROUND THE KITCHEN LIKE A TRIPPY SHAMEN

HUSBAND
It’s nearly

A LOUD CRACK CAN BE HEARD

WIFE
Open???

HUSBAND
(IN CONSIDERABLE PAIN)
Can you call me an ambulance

WIFE
You’re an ambulance!

HUSBAND
(MATTER OF FACTLY)
No, can you call me an ambulance (BEAT) I seem to of sheared
my wrist off

WIFE
Oooow, ouch, that looks nasty
(REACHES OUT AND TAKES THE JAR AND OPENS IT)
Yay me!

IN A HEAP ON THE FLOOR,OUT OF BREATH HOLDING HIS BLOOD COVERED WRIST

HUSBAND
I think, I think you’ll find I loosened, loosened it for you

WIFE
Oh wait, it’s the wrong one

HUSBAND
Wrong, wrong one?

WIFE
I wanted tomato and onion, not tomato and mushroom

HUSBAND
Tomato and Onion

SHE OPENS THE CUPBOARD AND GETS ANOTHER JAR OUT

WIFE
Yes

A JET OF BLOOD HITS HER IN THE FACE

liked it. for some reason I'd like to see it end with her pouring the contents over his face, perhaps:

WIFE
Oh wait, it's the wrong one. I wanted tomato and onion, not tomato and mushroom.

HUSBAND
Wrong, wrong one? No, it can't be

WIFE INTERUPTS HUSBAND BY SLOWLY POURING CONTENTS OVER HUSBAND'S FACE

WIFE
Are there any onions in there? Well are there?

HUSBAND
(SPLUTTERING SAUCE) No. (SPLUTTER, SPLUTTER) I'm sorry.

END

Funny. Liked the bit where you hear the 'crack' and it's actually his body that's taken the strain.

But the 'you're an ambulance' bit - delete it!!

It also seems a bit long to me.

I don't see why it can't just end:
WIFE
I wanted tomato and onion, not tomato and mushroom

HUSBAND
Tomato and Onion

SHE OPENS THE CUPBOARD AND GETS ANOTHER JAR OUT

WIFE
Yes

I.e. before the blood jet bit. Don't see it needs any hammy stuff like emptying the jar or gushing blood. Surely seeing the man's exasperation would be enough.

Thanks Nick, thanks James.

Firstly the it’s

I have no idea why this happens, it is meant to be it's. I copied it from microsoft word then noticed this problem so edited it on this website reposted it everything fine, now for some reason i get ’s instead of a comma.
Anyone shed any light on this? I DO NOW, I WAS USING OPERA WEB BROWSER....

That's an interesting alternative ending Nick

However does it not alter the Dynamic of their relationship? ie. He big strong man, she feeble woman. He walks in the room the Dom only to end up the sub to a jar of sauce? Therefore less than equal?

Unless of course she was dressed as a Dominatrix.

As for the 'you're an ambulance' line

yeah i did think it was iffy James, i thought i'd add it to show that neither of them actually take much notice of each other ie. Him with his inflexibility when it comes to jar opening solutions and her more interested in the sauce than his partially severed wrist. However seeing as it seems a bit long it could be chopped

As for the blood squirting being hammy, i think a severed wrist prosthetic would cost a bit so if he merely held his damaged wrist covered in blood some of the less astute may miss the 'claret' and think its merely a strain.

Anyway gents, thanks for the input, much appreciated, i'll crack on

I liked this and I thought the wrong jar in itself was a nice end. And I agree with dropping the ambulance line, imo, it's been done too many times.

Quote: martin jones @ November 15, 2007, 12:16 PM

HUSBAND
(IN CONSIDERABLE PAIN)
Can you call me an ambulance

WIFE
You’re an ambulance!

HUSBAND
(MATTER OF FACTLY)
No, can you call me an ambulance (BEAT) I seem to of sheared
my wrist off

View original

Although this is a very nice sketch, two thoughts came to mind. Firstly, I couldn't really understand why an unoriginal gag was necessary and secondly, Armstrong and Miller did the same severed hand joke the other week. Of course that's not to say because something has already been written it can't be rewritten.

I liked your writing style and felt that more could have been made from the husbands struggle with the jar. Perhaps something akin to a wrestleling bout which evolves into a tag match with the wife or even a neighbour becoming involved.

There's loads of scope and with the way you've put this sketch together and I shouldn't think you'd find it a problem should you want to have another look at it.

Cheers SlagA.

No one seems to like the ambulance line, i put it in to show her lack of concern about his plight (not as a gag) but its about as popular as Jeremy Clarkson using your toilet.

Maybe i'm getting ahead of myself but i reckon Meredith McNeil and Nick Frost would pull that off a treat.

I think maybe it could/should end there at the 'wrong jar'.....don't want to gilt the lily or end up too Tittybangbang.

Having said that i like Baumski's idea of turning it into something completely wild and bringing new characters such as the wrestling theme.
Maybe it could be a recurring gag everytime she asks for a hand doing anything, who knows.........

Didn't know Armstrong and Miller did the severed hand thing the other week...i always seems to miss it

Just got around to reading this. Nice ending Martin, but I agree with the others about the "you're an ambulance" line - that style of humour seems out-of-place in the sketch.