BSG COMP 14.11-20.11

Great stuff as per usual. The winner is... CHARLIE! Jurassic Park! And PM me for next week's topic please.

You win 10 big shiny points and a well-earned spot of glamour.

Votes - Points - Name
06 - 10 - Charlie
01 - 5 - Baumski

... And honourable mention to ELLIE for garnering more reaction than many of those who entered.

The new subject is DATING, chosen by Ellie.

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 20 November

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board then is as follows:-

Points - Name

55 - Baumski
40 - Jude
40 - Charley Rance
27 - Frankie
22 - Michael Monkhouse
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
17 - Fred Peters
15 - Leevil
15 - Dale
11 - David Chapman
11 - Steven
10 - Swerytd
10 - Cinnamon
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Kent Pete
08 - Stylo
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Hellboy
01 - Winterlight
01 - Batman

Spot any mistakes? PM me. Thanks

INT. RESTURANT. NIGHT.

A MAN (TERRY) IS WAITING THERE NERVOUSLY, SUDDENLY A WOMAN LOOKING LOST ENTERS AND SMILES.

TERRY
You must be Tina.

TINA
Terry?

TERRY
Spot on. Nice choice of resturant, they just said to wait here to be seated.

TINA
Thanks... okay then.

TERRY
So how old do you think that lamp is?

TERRY POINTS

TINA (NERVOUS)
Oh I don't know, it looks pretty old, maybe a 100 years (LAUGHS)

TERRY
Yep maybe that old. (LAUGHS)

AWKWARD PAUSE

TERRY
What about that picture?

TINA (CONFUSED)
What about it?

TERRY
How old?

TINA (SLIGHTLY IRRITATED)
I dunno 20 years.

TERRY
You think, yep I suppose it may be. And that mirror. How old do you think?

TINA (VERY IRRITATED)
What now? Why do you keep asking me that.

TERRY
Sorry I'm new to dating, am I doing it wrong.

END

INT. MOSQUE. YOUNG MUSLIM MAN AND OLDER MUSLIM MAN ARE TALKING OUTSIDE A DOOR.

OLDER MAN
Well, Faz, this is it! Remember, this is Muslim Speed Dating so these young ladies cannot speak to you directly and you must respect that, also you must spend no more than 30 seconds with each one. I'll be chaperoning you through the hall and so I'll be right behind you. OK?

YOUNG MAN
Yes, of course, I do understand and I will comply. This will lead to my first date and I am so excited!

OLDER MAN
After you've met them you must pick only one and we'll arrange the date with her family. All is very correct here, remember that, OK?

YOUNG MAN
Oh, yes, yes! I will, of course.

THE OLDER MAN GUIDES THE YOUNGER MAN TO OPEN THE DOOR AND THEY GO IN TO A SMALL HALL WHERE TEN MUSLIM WOMEN ARE DRESSED HEAD TO TOE IN BLACK BURKHAS WITH JUST THEIR EYES SHOWING THROUGH SLITS. THEY DON'T SPEAK AND THEY ALL LOOK DOWN IN AN IDENTICAL SHY WAY AS THE YOUNG MAN PASSES AND SPEAKS TO EACH ONE IN TURN. AT THE END OF THE HALL THERE IS ANOTHER DOOR AND THE YOUNG AND OLDER MAN WALK THROUGH AND CLOSE IT BEHIND THEM.

OLDER MAN
Well done, Faz! ..and what did you think?

YOUNG MAN
You know, it's hard to choose. They're all so lovely.

END

Eva Braun is sitting chatting to a few other women at a table. They are guests at a fancy party.

Eva’s Friend
Eva that gentleman over there is giving you the eye.

Eva
Which gentleman?

Eva’s Friend
That older gentleman with the dodgy moustache. Ugly bugger so he is. Ooooh look he is coming over to us.

The gentleman takes a seat next to Eva. He holds out his hand.

Gentleman
Hi I am Adolf. You are Eva Braun, Fate has sent me to you

Eva
Well Adolf, why don’t you tell me a little about yourself.

Adolf
Well I have had a few wives before. Also lots of girlfriends. I am terribly unfaithful & I like really stupid women who wont intefere with my Job. Oh by the way. several of these women committed suicide. (Shrugs)

Eva
Hmmm! Well what do you do for a living Adolf?

Adolf
Well Eva I am in charge of the German war & I have committed mass genocide. I have not finished the genocide bit yet. There is so many more to cull. (Sighs)

Eva
Right!

Adolf
Fate is stating that we be together. We have to keep our love secret for a while though.

Eva
You talk of fate like you know what will happen.

Adolf
Oh I do. You & I will be lovers. You will be by my side helping me to become a great war criminal & a cleanser of Jews. We will kill men women & children by the millions. Very few people will be aware of our love but we shall remain steadfast until the end. The end will be a marriage then death by cyanide.

Eva
We kill ourselves?

Adolf
Yes. I shoot myself as well. Just to make sure I am defo dead. So do you want to have a wonderful yet short life with me. It starts with the first date.

Eva
Right wait a minute, you are asking me, an ex nun to date a mass murderer in secret then finally ending my life painfully with cyanide, after watching you shoot out your brains, on or around the day we finally marry & could show the world we are together. Is that what you are asking of me Adolf?

Adolf
(Pouts) Is it a bit too much to ask then?

Eva
(Smiles) No. It sounds perfect. The ultimate romantic tale. Oooooh its like something from Mills & Boon. I accept.

SCENE: A RESTAURANT. WE SEE A YOUNG MAN AND WOMAN SEATED AT A TABLE, HOLDING MENUS. THEY ARE RATHER AWKWARD.

MAN:
It's nice here, isn't it?

WOMAN:
Yeah. I suppose. If you're into that sort of thing.

MAN:
Are you ready to order?

WOMAN:
I guess so.

MAN:
Shall we order off the specials? They, er, they look pretty good - I think I'll have the duck.

WOMAN:
I can't, there aren't any vegetarian options on the menu, so...

MAN:
There's a nice pasta dish there, look. Do you like aubergine?

WOMAN:
Yes, but I'm gluten intolerant.

A WAITER APPEARS

MAN:
I'll have the duck, please. The special.

WOMAN:
I'll have the red and black caviar tapenade, please. Is that OK?

MAN:
That's fine, I said I'd pay. (LOOKS AT MENU) Bloody- Isn't... I thought you were vegetarian?

WOMAN:
Yes, but not vegan. I can eat fish.

MAN:
Great. That's good. More options. Any price range, really. Well, I think I - shall we have a nice bottle of white?

WOMAN:
I don't drink.

MAN:
OK. Maybe a lager?

WOMAN:
I really don't drink.

MAN:
OK. I'll just have a glass of the house Chenin Blanc. And a..?

WOMAN:
Water.

WAITER:
Sparkling?

WOMAN:
I'm not very keen on the bubbles. Still please.

WAITER:
One duck, one caviar, one Chenin Blanc, one still water. Any desserts?

WOMAN:
I don't really - they're a bit too sweet for me.

MAN:
We'll decide when we've finished. Thanks. So, how did a lovely lady like you get to be single?

WOMAN:
I don't know. Maybe I'm too picky.

MAN:
Surely not.

WOMAN:
I know my heart will win through. I have faith in my God, that's the main thing.

MAN:
Oh, you're religious?

WOMAN:
Oh, yes. No man comes between me and God. We have a special relationship. (DISTRACTEDLY TURNS HEAD)I should warn you, no sex before marriage!

WHEN THE WOMAN TURNS BACK ROUND, THE MAN IS GONE. THE WOMAN LOOKS UNDER THE TABLE. NOTHING.

ENDS

I wrote a date sketch this week and put it onto the critique sketch. It also happens to be the only good date sketch that I have so I thought that I'd enter it here........huzzah!

The Truth, The Truth And Nothing But The...

A man is sobbing at a restaurant table. A woman sits opposite, looking nervous.

Man
It's me, isn't it.

Woman
No, no, of course it isn't. It's me, I just can't cope with a long-term relationship.

Man
But we've been going out for two years.

Woman
Yes, well think of what I went through for you.

The man gives a loud sob.

Woman
Look, it's hard to love a man when you're a lesbian.

Man
You've managed so far.

Woman
And it's made me sick..sick!

The man gives another loud wail.

Woman
But that's not your fault, it's mine. You see..I'm psychopathic, I have the constant urge to kill.

The man sniffs.

Man
So you'd kill me?

Woman
Of course, of course.

The man wails again.

Man
So it IS me!

The man sobs and the woman looks impatient. After several seconds she picks up a large dinner knife and stabs the man.

Woman
It's easier to just accept the truth and move on.

The man gurgles softly.

Woman
I'm glad that you understand.

The woman continues eating her dinner.

INT. FAMILYHOME. DAY

ROB has gone to meet his GIRLFRIENDS PARENTS for the first time. They are sat around a table having dinner.

FATHER: I bet you're glad you met our annie aren't you?
ROB: I am after seeing your house, yes.
FATHER: I bet she looks after you. Cooking, cleaning. And all the charity work she does. Shes a little princess isn't she?
ROB: Yeah, she does anal.

INT. PUB. TWO MEN DRINKING AT THE BAR. ONE STANDS UP.

JIM
Going for a piss Dave. Back in a bit.

DAVE
Ok Jim.

JIM WALKS TOWARDS THE TOILET WHICH IS BESIDE THE DOOR TO THE LOUNGE. ON HEARING NOISES FROM THE LOUNGE,HE PEERS IN.

JIM (STARTLED)
There's a bloody big tent in the lounge Dave.

DAVE (PUZZLED)
A tent in the lounge?... how many pints have you had Jim?

THE BARMAN IS BEHIND THE BAR AND OVERHEARS.

BARMAN (NONCHALANTLY)
Yeah.. first Thursday in every month.. Agoraphobic Singles!

[RICHARD is sitting in a restaurant with his date DAISY. RICHARD is incapable of facial expressions except when he says the name of a smiley. Then he demonstrates the emoticon in an exagerated fashion. E.G. 'smile' is followed by a big cheesy grin.]

DAISY
This is so wierd, actually face to face with you after all the time we've spent chatting on the forums. I was starting to wonder if you actually existed outside of them!

RICHARD
eL-Oh-eL, yeah I know I'm a bit addicted.' Smile'

[a WAITER approaches with the wine]

RICHARD (to waiter)
hello there, my name is Richard and I'm new to this restaurant .My mates have been raging about this place so I thought I'd check it out myself. Hoping to have lots of fun. 'waves'

(to DAISY who is looking at the menu) See anything you fancy.' Whistle'

DAISY (confused)
um, I'll have the um vegetarian lasagne please

RICHARD
sounds good, although Tee-Bee-Haych I was hoping to get a bit of meat into ya. Mwahaha

DAISY
What are you doing?

RICHARD
what?

DAISY
Look, I've had a rotten day and I nearly didnt come tonight, but you seem like such a nice guy online so please dont turn weird on me o.k. I'm sick of meeting wierdos

RICHARD
aww, 'hug'

[DAISY glares at him]

RICHARD (quickly)
Edit, delete hug. 'Eek'

[Awkward silence.The COUPLE at the next table have finished their meal and are getting up to leave]

MAN (to partner)
So what do you fancy doing now?

RICHARD (to man)
theres a new film on at the apollo, jazz band playing on Compton street. Or you could take the lady back to your place, see what trouble you can get her into. 'devil'

[The couple frown at him and leave]

DAISY
I think I'm going to just go now o.k.

RICHARD
Nooooooo. Dont go. I'm sorry. We should talk about you. Quote daisy at november 15 2007, 7.26pm. Ha,ha yes I could go on about books all night. End quote. So, what are you reading at the moment?

DAISY (deep breath)
I'm reading Hollow Chocolate Bunnies Of The Apocolypse about a serial killer in toytown. Do you know it?

[Silence. RICHARD is staring straight ahead]

DAISY
Richard? (waves hands in front of his unblinking face) Richard?

[DAISY sighs heavily.
CUT to the same scene, sometime later. DAISY is slumped on her chair, feet on the table, shaking the last drops of wine out of the bottle into her empty glass]

RICHARD
Rofl. Sounds great but no I've not heard of it. Is it any good?

DAISY (slurred)
What?

RICHARD
the book -is it any good? Keep up my dear. 'Wink'

DAISY
Keep up?? Youre the one who takes all night to answer a simple question!

RICHARD
eF-wY-eye I do have a life in italics. I dont remember complaining when you took 3 DAYS in capitals to respond to the comment I posted about ants last month

DAISY(exasperated)
I was having my appendix out! This is dumb. I'm leaving.

RICHARD
meh. 'Shrugs'

[As DAISY stands up to go, RICHARD looks round the restaurant and then scoots his chair over to the nearest occupied table and interupts their conversation]

RICHARD
Things that annoy you dot dot dot. Mine are fingerless gloves and women who cant park properly. 'Smile'

(sorry about the layout,am still getting to grips with how things show up in posts)

SEASON’S BEATINGS

Hiya! Merry Christmas! So glad you could make it…
Ah, sit down. Have a glass of champagne on me… And as Sean Connery said to Ursula Andress, mine’s a large one!… That was a joke. ’Cause Sean’s so – sorry.
Cigarette? Hey that reminds me – I gave up smoking yesterday. Thirty times!… That was a joke too. ’Cause – doesn’t matter.
So how are you-I’m fine, got a new television. Bunged the aerial up myself. Painful! Bunging the… Sorry. Yes I am a dickhead. I just get – ah it sounds stupid but I get nervous talking to… Yes do talk.
What about? I don’t… Well how’s your boyfriend?… Oh has he? Sorry. I didn’t know, how could I, I haven’t seen you for ten years, how could – it really is a nice disco isn’t it. Do you come here often? Yes that is a shit thing to say isn’t it. Dear me, this evening’s not going too well is it?
Oh him over there? That’s my mate Stan. Stan the man we call him. ’Cause he’s Stan and he’s a man. At least he was the last time I checked! I mean the last time he – no I’m not homosexual and even if I was it’s 2007, nothing wrong with being a trouser-bandit – this really is a nice…
Don’t go yet. Look I – I haven’t even begun to tell you what I’ve been doing the last ten years. I left university – well I got kicked out – not actually kicked out, just – can we change the subject? I’ve got a great job now, I work with the guy they call Mr Showbusiness: Eric Showbusiness… He’s the bog attendant in the railway station. We come across all kinds of interesting people – sorry that was ill-expressed. Point is I’m happy. Really I am. I got a snog last week. Bertha, her name was… Unfortunately she just contracted rabies and…
Bye. Bye…
God this’s been the worst night of my life... Still, nice to see my mum again.

INT. PUB. FULL OF COALMINERS

TWO WOMEN WALK IN.

WOMAN 1
Oh bugger, I'm not going in tonight

WOMAN 2 (PUZZLED)
Why not, what's the matter?

WOMAN 1 (POINTING INSIDE)
Carbon Dating.

My first every entry into this competition. So as the actress said to the Rabbi "Be Gentile with me" (Damn thats better than the sketch)

MAN AND WOMAN ON A FIRST DATE AT A RESTAURANT

WAITER: Madam?

HER: I'll just have the green salad, thank you.

WAITER: And too drink?

HIM: I'll have the red wine.

HER: I'll just have a mineral water.

WAITER: Very good [Leaves]

HIM: You could had something more than the salad you know. It's not as if you need to diet

HER: Well its a bit weird to mention this, but I'm recovering from an eating disorder. I have to eat a very strictly now because I used to balloon up. I probably shouldn't be saying this to you considering we're on our first date.

HIM: No, no that's fine. We all have little things, and you look beautiful now which is what counts.

HER: Thank you.

HIM: But you could of had something a bit stronger than mineral water though!

HER: Well its strange to mention this also, but I'm recovering from a drinking addiction, so I don't actually drink any alchol now. Is it weird that I'm telling all this to you since we've only just met.

HIM: No really. I think it's good to be totally upfront and honest with a potential partner.

HER: Yes I suppose that's true!

HIM: Can I just ask though. Are we one hundred per cent going to have sex tonight?

HER: What?

HIM: Well I don't like to mention this on our first date, but I'm recovering from a gambling addiction, so I can't take a chance that its not a sure thing!

(Two male panda bears sit next to each other under a tree chewing on some bamboo shoots.)

Panda1: so, er, hows it going with Chung Wi?

Panda2: well, to be honest with you, it’s a bit shit.

Panda1: really mate?

Panda2: yeah………… its getting a bit frustrating really. We’ve been going out for nearly two years now, and I really like her and stuff, but she still won’t let me……………you know.

Panda1: sex her up?

Panda2: exactly. I mean its not for lack of trying, I’m always on about it, but she’s always like ‘oh, I’m tired, oh, Its too cold, oh, I don’t like the setting.’ Its ridiculous.

(pause)

Panda1: I know exactly what you mean mate.

Panda2: what, you mean you and Liu Pang have never………you know………done it?

Panda1: she won’t even touch it mate.

Panda2: really? She always seemed like a bit of a goer, I thought she’d be all over you.

Panda1: yeah I know, its stupid.

Panda2: stupid.

Panda1: look at me, I’m a good looking bear, keep myself nice and clean, and its not like there’s many of us about.

Panda2: its crazy

(pause)

Panda1: I’m beginning to think she might be one of them lesbians.

Panda2: you reckon?....................maybe Chung Wi’s the same. It would explain a lot.

Panda1: certainly would.

Panda2: doesn’t really help though, I feel like I’m going to explode.

(pause)

Panda1: I’ll tell you what I do mate

Panda2: what’s that?

Panda1: I bugger rabbits and stuff.

Dates and Mates

INT.PUB.

DAVE.EXCITED. Tone!Mate!Met the most fantastic girl last night!

TONE. Really?

DAVE. Yeah Her Names Cindy.Works down at Peacocks in the High Street.

TONE. Oh I know. Severn Bridge the lads call
her.

DAVE. Severn Bridge?

TONE. Yeah.Thousands get across it every year.

DAVE. You must have the wrong girl mate.

TONE. Nah,I`m telling you every bloke knows her.Small,big
knockers,stunning looks, short black hair.

DAVE. Sounds like her.

TONE I`m telling you mate,she ought to have a roundabout tattooed
on her shes been entered from that many directions.

DAVE> Jesus,didn`t know she was like that?She seems like such a nice
girl.Wouldn`t even let me kiss her last night.

TONE. I`ll telling you as a friend.Your best mate,shes best left we
well alone.You know when she lost her virginity Jordan was
still a training bra?

DAVE. I really liked her mate.

TONE. Tell you what.You got her number on your phone?

DAVE. Yeah.

TONE. Mate,you get the beers in and I`ll give her call and tell her
to and pick on someother mates nice guy.

DAVE. Cheers mate.

FX.TELEPHONE.

TONE. Cindy? It`s Dave`s best mate Tone.I don`t want to be the one
spread rumours,but you should heard some of the nasty stuff
Daves saying about you...Yes honest...Tell you what...How
about a drink tomorrow?...Good...I`ll tell you all about it...

CILLA BLACK : Good evening everybody - and welcome to Celebrity Blind Date. And we've got three luvely men behind the screen. Would you like to introduce yourself number one.

NUMBER 1 (SINGNING OPERATICALLY) : My name is Andrea Bocelli and I am singer.

CILLA : Ooh girls - doesn't he sound lovely. And number two?

NUMBER 2 : My name is David Blunkett and I am a politician.

CILLA : Well he sounds very powerful doesn't he girls. And finally number three.

NUMBER 3 (SINGING FUNKILY): My name is Stevie Wonder and I am a singer.

CILLA : Ooh - sends shivers down yer spine doesn't it girls. And what lucky girl has to choose.

MUSIC PLAYS AND A GIRL COMES DOWN THE STAIRS. SHE SITS ON A STOOL AND CILLA LOOKS HER IN THE FACE.

CILLA : Hello chuck. And what's your name.

GIRL : My name is Evelyne Glennie and I am a percussionist.

CILLA : Well Evelyne. You've got three luvely blokes behind that screen. Away you go then.

GIRL : Thanks Cilla. Now then number one. What sort of evening would you offer me.

NUMBER 1 : Hello my darling. I would take you the opera and afterwards a romantic meal in a quiet restaurant.

THE GIRL JUSDT LOOKS BLANKLY. AFTER AN EMBARRASSING PAUSE CILLA NUDGES HER.

CILLA : Well chuck?

GIRL : Well what?