All offers of help welcome, please.
MAN, WOMAN AND GIRL AGED ABOUT 16 ENTER ELDERLY HEADMISTRESSES OFFICE. THEY ARE ALL SMARTLY DRESSED AND FORMAL. THE GIRL IS WELL MADE UP AND LOOKS MUCH OLDER.
HEADMISTRESS. Mr. and Mrs. Wood? And you must be Swallow?
HEADMISTRESS SHOWS THEM INTO HER OFFICE.
MR. WOOD. Thank you for seeing us at such short notice. We’ve only just moved to the area from L.A. and we need to get Swallow settled into school as soon as possible. We really wanted her to have a good, English public school education. We chose this area based on the fantastic reputation of this school.
Frankly, Mrs. Hartwell, money is no object to us. Both my wife and I are very successful in the film industry and we just want what is best for our little girl.
SWALLOW SMILES COYLY AND EVERYONE LAUGHS HAPPILY
HEADMISTRESS. (to girl) I suppose you‘ll be looking to go into films just like your parents?
SWALLOW. Yes, Mrs. Hartwell, I most certainly will.
MRS WOOD. That was something that we wanted to discuss with you.
HEADMISTRESS. I’m going to stop you there, we have a fantastic media department and do some film making on the premises.
ALL OF THE WOOD FAMILY ARE DELIGHTED.
MR. WOOD. And what genre would that be?
HEADMISTRESS. All girls together, Mr. Wood. Just playing about to start with building up the big climax.
MR. WOOD TURNS TO HIS FAMILY.
MR. WOOD. Isn’t that what I told you with these English public schools? That’s experience that you don’t get in the States. This is stuff that money, almost, can’t buy. And GCSE’s, A levels? What subjects do the girls have available to them?
HEADMISTRESS. You name it and then more. We are leaders in the field.
MRS. WOOD. Sex education?
HEADMISTRESS. Covered! None of our girls leave here without knowing everything about the birds and the bees. It’s crucial that they have the most up to the minute information, isn’t it? Our girls know their subjects backwards, forwards and upside down..
SWALLOW. Oh, daddy, mommy, I’m going to love it here.
HEADMISTRESS. I think that we shall get along famously.
MR. WOOD. To gain some experience before going back to the States we were wondering whether you could recommend a good, reliable agency for her to work with during the holidays. You know, escort stuff.
HEADMISTRESS. No need to pay fees to an agency, Mr Wood. (she picks up a copy of Lady magazine) there are no end of elderly people in here that pay marvellous rates for young company.
MRS. WOOD. Niche market, that’s something we’d not thought of. Specialising, honey, that could be something worth thinking about.
MR. WOOD. Thank you very much. We look forward to Swallow receiving a first class education with you.
HEADMISTRESS. To use a modern expression, Mr. Wood, it’s hardcore education but the girls love it. What genre of film do you make?
MRS. WOOD. Reality, you might saw. Porn, filming and distribution.
HEADMISTRESS. Marvellous!
THEY WALK TO THE DOOR AND LEAVE CHEERFULLY. HEADMISTRESS CALLS HER SECRETARY IN. SHE CLOSES THE DOOR SO THEY ARE ALONE.
HEADMISTRESS. Ok, new girl, book her in to start the beginning of next term. Swallow Wood. Strange name but they’re Americans. Something to do with the antique trade, pawn shops and that kind of thing. The other parents will be pleased.
What I'm trying to get across, here, is that most people want prostitution etc to be legal but nobody wants courses in school on the subject (except the boys!!!!). I think there's a sketch in there somewhere but I'm not sure where.
