They just sent me some very helpful feedback on my 'Worth More Dead' script. They have given me permission to post it here. It reads thusly:
Firstly, read the attached ‘benchmark’ script of ‘2 pints ..’ (or download some others from BBC Writers Room’s website) to get a better understanding of what elements you put in a script, how, when and to what extent you deliver the essential (and ONLY the essential) information to describe what is going to happen in the scene. No music, no angles, no trespassing, unless it’s necessary for the progression of the story line. Your scene and action description are sometimes very confusing. You’re putting scenes into scenes and disregard the necessity of establishing the different locations.
With regards to the story: You’ve devised a comedy drama (not a sitcom) about a man who fakes his own ‘accidental’ death as means to escape his financial difficulties. It has potential to be funny albeit not overly original. But I think you haven’t distilled the maximum comedy output from the situations you’ve setup yet. There’s a lot more work to be done on the story before it will work.
Primarily you have a Fugitive situation where Derek will never be able to reunite with his wife. That’s rather tragic (unless you change it so that’s she’s in on the scam from the beginning, and their common efforts generate the comedy), you have a limited storyline as it must end with Derek either giving up or getting caught. You’re dependent on bringing in new characters the whole time in order to keep the storyline developing away from a repetitive cat ‘n mouse game. But the lack of connection between the main characters make it very difficult to sustain a long run. Sitcom demands (mis)communication between a set of given characters making life difficult for themselves because of their given circumstances, mindset or inability to change. But central is exchange of dialogue. You’ve cut that out, and the chance that you get caught up in a slapstick comedy with one-liners is very likely.
So before you send us the next script ask yourself if it is a sitcom. Is it properly formatted. Is it full of gags, witty dialogue, and LOL situations. We actually count the laughs on each page and mark them on a scale from 1 to 3.
It all boils down to what is hidden in the text. Is it original, does it have its own tone, is it fresh, well-crafted, structured, funny dialogue and gags, good characters and a potential for many episodes? It’s all in the text.
Hope you find that helpful too!
