The Samaritans

A MAN CALLS THE SAMARITANS IN A LAST DITCH ATTEMPT TO SAVE HIS SANITY

WOMANS VOICE: Hello! And thank you for calling the samaritans.

MAN: Oh hello, i was just...

VOICE: Please select from the following options.

MAN: What! You have to be kidding.

VOICE: If you are calling because of financial matters. Press 1.
If you are suffering from a mental disorder. Press 2.
If you have been involved in an accident and feel you can no longer cope. Press 3.
If you are trying to come to terms with a bereavement. Press 4.
If you think you might be gay and don't know how to tell your family and friends. Press 5.
If your problems are of a marital nature. Press 6...

To listen to these options again. Press zero.

MAN: No! no! I don't want to listen to them again, right! Marital, i think that was 6...there we go, 6.

VOICE: Thank you...please continue to use your keypad.

MAN: I don't friggin believe this.

VOICE: If your partner has left you for a younger person. Press 1.
If your partner has left you for an older person. Press 2.
If you partner has left you for some kind of domestic or farm animal. Press 3
If you couldn't care less why your partner has left you. Press 4.

MAN: Come on for Christ's sake.

VOICE: To listen to these options again. Press zero or continue to hold and one of our operators will be with you shortly.

MAN: Continue to hold, that's the one, come on! Come on...SHIT! OH SHIT! I'VE HIT THE ZERO BUTTON BY MISTAKE! RIGHT! I'LL SHOW EM!

HE THROWS THE PHONE AGAINST THE WALL

CUT TO NEXT DAY, A NEWS READER IS ON TV READING THE LOCAL NEWS.

NEWSREADER: And finaly, a man walked into the local branch of the samaritans today and blew himself up, a police spokesman said the blast had destroyed the upper floor of the building along with nearly 200 answer phones.

Ha, ha. Nice one, you.
I like it. Sounds like the samaritains that I'd be in charge of

I like the whole idea. Very good.

It's rare that I laugh out loud to things on the critique page but this really did it for me. I think the ending's a bit weaker than the rest, though. I'd prefer a quicker and neater exit.
Excellent stuff overall though.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Very good!!!!

I do agree a bit about the ending although I couldn't offer any better alternative.

How about "If you're still feeling suicidal press 9" and the phone explodes?

If you're calling from a cordless phone then have a belt handy

Let the suicidal do themselves in I say. I have no time for dealing with people who cant cope with life. I have too much empathy for those who embrace it yet are having it taken away fromn them, to deal with the selfishness of Ooooooh I am in debt or Ohhhhh my relationship is over. Sort it out & move on!!!!!
Suicide is a cop out. Its a terrible situation to leave your family in. The only suicidals I really feel for are the children. They simply dont comprehend.

Bitch arent I.

Oh by the way. Very good sketch!

Thankyouverymuchness...like the idea of an exploding phone! and the belt, MM.

Yes Ray. I liked this very much. Particularly the opener where the guy actually thinks that he through to a real person.

I have been that poor misguided fool in the hands of these effing automated machines. Good stuff.

I Think you should submit this somewhere for although the idea of automated answering has been covered before, I think to apply it to something as vital and personal as a call to the Samaritans is very good indeed and nicely unexpected.

Sadly, this sketch took a new twist yesterday. I heard the founder of the samaritans had died aged 95, hope it was nothing to do with this sketch!
I only posted it on Friday. Hope he didn't call 999.
Hello, thank you for calling the emergency services, all our operators are busy cleaning the wards, for futher assistance, please look up NHS direct.

Hi Ray,I'm new so hope you dont mind me commenting but this sketch caught my attention.
I think its a great idea but agree the ending is a bit weak.I also think you could milk the idea some more.Its the sort of sketch that would work well broken up and returned to between other sketches.You'd get the 'he's still trying to get through to a person' laugh as well as being able to use more material without it getting stale.
Maybe just start with 3 options though?Reading it aloud the 6 feels like too many at that stage when the main laugh is from the idea,not the detail.I loved your second set of options,very funny.Also,if you start wider you've got more places to go.
I like the exploding phone idea.You could also try ending with him being put on hold-lots of potential in the choice of music....'Dont Worry,Be Happy',REM's 'Everybody Hurts'etc

I love the idea of the song, don't worry, be happy, i'd not thought of any songs,thanks, and i;m sure no one minds your comments, that's why we're here.

Funny sketch. "Don't worry be happy" - that's funny too. I can just imagine the muted "Oh for..." as the person on the 'phone hears it!