F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to me for wanking it. I'll PM me with a subject for next wank. I won't really. It's a joke.
Meanwhilst..
3 - Me
1 - Otterfox
Next topic: Night time (chosen by Otterfox)
Leg closed: 23.4.25
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 14 - Otterfox
2 - 7 - Gappy
3 - 6 - Me
4 - 1 - APlate
JUDGED MENTAL
PUB.
BLOKE, LADY and MATE.
BLOKE Hey mate, it's jolly nice of you to share a pint with me and my wife to celebrate my retirement.
MATE Ah, yes. One of our finest lawyers. Forty years behind the bar...
BLOKE And here's to a few years IN FRONT OF bars!
(They laugh uproariously.)
MATE (to wife): So, would you like a cocktail?
BLOKE Objection, your honour!
MATE Pardon?
BLOKE May I remind you that it is at this stage of proceedings expressly forbidden to make direct enquiries. Please allow my client - wife - whatever...
WIFE Thank you.
BLOKE Shhhh! ... To give her own account of the situation in her own time and her own words and her own skirt.
WIFE Thank you.
BLOKE Ssshhh!
MATE Um - okay. (to wife) What would you like to drink?
BLOKE Objection, your honour!
MATE and WIFE Sorry?
BLOKE I would like to point out that there is no evidence - neither exhibit A, exhibit B nor exhibit XYZ - that my wife would like anything at all to drink. You are clearly forcing her to make a confession without taking int account any further possibilities as laid down by penisal code art. 632, comma 865421, clause pjgda.
MATE I don't understand.
BLOKE (nods) Thought that'd get you.
WIFE Er - I'd like...
BLOKE You are perfectly at liberty not to respond.
WIFE Thank you, but I'd...
BLOKE May I ask the court's indulgence for a moment? I request the right to discuss proceedings with my wife in private, demand an appeal...
WIFE Do I get peel in the cocktail too? Fantastic!
BLOKE And have a piss.
MATE You are excused.
BLOKE Court adjourned until further notice.
WIFE Oh really, Gerald.
BLOKE Order! Order!
MATE She's trying to.
BLOKE I ask the court not to be swayed.
WIFE I always preferred Oasis.
MATE For the last time. (to wife) What the f**k do you want to drink?
BLOKE Do you swear...?
MATE I just did.
BLOKE Not you. Do you solemnly swear...?
MATE Okay. (solemn voice) What the f**k do you...?
BLOKE ... That the answer you are about to give, touching upon your qualifications to serve as jurors in this case now before the court, will be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you...
MATE God!
WIFE Everybody shut up. (to bloke) I want sex on the beach with an alligator.
MATE Is that your final verdict?
Old style radio show.
Samuel:
Now, most of you know night, right? The nighttime? Why we're in it right now. You may also then, be familiar with the sounds of the night. Foxes, owls, crickets, distant dogs, the lot. But what if I were to say the word 'Waterdaughter', and then precede it with the word 'Ronnie' and then expand on those words to say Ronnie Waterdaughter is here; and to make the sentence whole; I'm joined now by
Ronnie Waterdaughter who is going to talk to us about the sounds of the night. And for those who are going to be shocked with what he has to say, be prepare to be surprised. Mr. Waterdaughter, tell us what you do.
Ronnie:
I'm what's known as a nighttime sounder. It's a little known fact that everything goes silent at nighttime but people would find this very unnerving. So, for hundreds of years, me and others like me have run around under the cloak of darkness making random noises to keep people sane.
Samuel:
Let me get this straight, the night doesn't make noises so you make the noises that the night doesn't make?
Ronnie:
Exactly right and exactly correct.
Samuel:
But what if say, a fox actually did make a sound?
Ronnie:
Oh there's no such thing as a fox.... You don't know the half of whats not going on and the half of when.
Samuel:
The half of when?
Ronnie:
Yes, that's what they call us - The Half of When.... Sorry, no, we're called The Midnight Hexlers.
Samuel:
The Midnight Hexlers?
Ronnie:
I'm afraid I am sworn to secrecy. I cannot reveal a thing.
Samuel:
But you've already told me.
BEAT.
Ronnie:
...my speciality is a cricket. I find a nice comfy spot in the undergrowth outside someone's house and chirrup away for ages.
Samuel:
Ok Waterdaughter, I'm still onboard for now but at the same time I don't believe a word that's coming out of your mouth. I need proof. How do you make the cricket sound? Do it. Now.
Ronnie:
I need to warm up my jaws... and then I start rubbing my knees together.
FX. Cricket sound.
Samuel:
That could be anyone making that sound.
Ronnie:
Yes but it's me.
Samuel:
Ok then. I thought you might get cocky about it so I made a list of nighttime noises of my own. This is a simple test to see if you are who you say you are or just a big fat nighttime hoax. Yeah, not so much a Midnight Hexler as a Midnight Hoaxler. Haha! Now that's how you do humour jokes, yeah! Anyway, back to my disprovement of Ronnie, Waterdaughter, I want you to make the sound of a falling leaf in a nighttime park; a clock turning 3am; and darkness descending; and for good measure, temperature dropping....
Silence.
Samuel:
Fascinating so far I must say....just as I thought. From a midnight hoaxler to a nighttime nothing. Both of those insults are aimed at you Waterdaughter.
Ronnie:
That's impossible. All those noises are silent. It's like asking me to do fog. It's impossible.
Samuel:
Your story is impossible. What I'm saying are actual things. Peddle your crickets elsewhere. Here on the late night Night Gordon we know a thing or two about night and you're never anywhere to be seen or heard. Get out of the sight of the sick of the sound and tired of you.
Ronnie:
What?
Samuel:
Get off my show!
Ronnie:
This is what you do. Anyone you disagree with or can't prove their point you hunt them off your show. I've heard your show before Gordon.
Samuel:
And I never heard you at all.
Ronnie:
Grr!!! (Angry intense cricket, owl and fox noises)
End.
Elizabeth:
Good night, John Boy.
John-Boy:
Good night, Elizabeth. Good night, Daddy.
John:
Good night, Son. Good night, Mary Ellen.
Mary Ellen:
Good night, Daddy. Good night, Mama.
Olivia:
Good night, Mary Ellen. Good night, Jim Bob.
Jim Bob:
Good night, Mama. Good night, Erin.
Erin:
Good night, Jim Bob. Good night, Ben.
Ben:
Good night, Erin. Good night, everybody.
Alison:
Err, hey, everybody?
John:
Yes, Alison?
Alison:
It's daytime.
John:
Oh, be quiet, Alison, you don't even live here.
Elizabeth:
F**k off, Alison.
John-Boy:
F**k off, Alison.
Mary Ellen:
F**k off, Alison.
Olivia:
F**k off, Alison.
Jim Bob:
F**k off, Alison.
Erin:
F**k off, Alison.
Ben:
F**k off, Alison.
John:
And y'all come back now, y' hear?
John-Boy:
[WHISPER] That's a different one.
John:
[WHISPER] Is it? Shit...
Otterfox this wank.
I did like Gappys but it's another strong week for Mike M. I'm a sucker for those sketches that takes processes from one situation and adopt them in another (I'm sure there's a better way of describing it) Anyway, it's the Monkhouse for me.
I enjoyed Otterfox's sketch, but I got a bit of deja vu from it, I feel as though I've read it before. so Michael gets my point today.
Thanks... Yes, I like sketches where a recognisable character is catapulted into a different situation. I enjoyed writing the rugby/English teacher sketch a while back.