F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Otterfox and Gappy for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank apiss please.
Meanwhilst..
2 - Otterfox, Gappy
Next topic: Hair
Leg closed: 2.4.25
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 11 - Otterfox
2 - 6 - Gappy
3 - 2 - Me
4 - 1 - Aplate
FRESH 'AIR
PUB.
TOM and DICK.
TOM Y'know, Dick.
DICK Not yet.
TOM Shut up... I'm thinking of getting a hair cut.
DICK Which one?
TOM Shut up.
DICK Straight?
TOM I'm gay, actually.
DICK Long for me?
TOM Not that gay.
DICK (sighs) I meant, long for you.
TOM Still not that gay.
DICK Short back and sides?
TOM You're not too tall yerself mate.
DICK Parting?
TOM Don't leave me. I'm sorry I said that.
DICK Side parting?
TOM I think the door's okay.
DICK Die?
TOM Don't do it. There's so much to live for.
DICK I meant, why don't you die it?
TOM 'Cos I'm not overweight. Fatty.
DICK Skinhead?
TOM I told you, I'm not overweight.
DICK Close shave?
TOM It certainly was. When I saw that cake...
DICK French crop?
TOM No, cake.
DICK Broccoli?
TOM Cake.
DICK Eton?
TOM Yes, so I'm not hungry.
DICK Mohican?
TOM I'm not thirsty either.
DICK Mohican!
TOM That's the last of them.
DICK Curler?
TOM No, Mohican. They don't play sport.
DICK Bowler?
TOM I told you. They don't...
DICK Marcel waves.
TOM Does he?
DICK Pigtail?
TOM What, like 'Animal Farm'?
DICK Ponytail?
TOM What, like 'Black Beauty'?
DICK Ducktail?
TOM Don't be daffy.
DICK Mop top?
TOM Yeah, yeah, yeah.
DICK Crew cut?
TOM Why - can't they afford them?
DICK Bob cut?
TOM Why - can't they afford him?
DICK Buzz cut?
TOM Cheer up.
DICK Upper cut?
TOM You do and I'll have you.
DICK Ivy League?
TOM I'm a Cambridge boy, actually.
DICK Pompadour?
TOM Pump a what?
DICK Mullet?
TOM I'm certainly thinking about it.
DICK Oh, cut it out - I mean, I'm cutting loose - I mean, f**k it. (leaves)
TOM Silly little cut.
DJ:That was John Fred & his Playboy Band with 'Judy in Disguise with Glasses'. Keep it locked to Syzygy FM, and let's take some callers for tonight's mystery noise. Caller number 1, I believe, is Angela.
ANGELA:That's right, Donald.
DJ:Excellent. And do you know what the mystery sound was tonight?
ANGELA:Nope.
DJ:Erm. OK, would you like to have a guess?
ANGELA:Nope.
DJ:Right. Well, err, thanks for calling, Angela. Would you like to do a dedication before you go?
ANGELA: Errrrrrm...nope.
DJ:Well then let's move straight to Alfred on line 2. Alfred, you're on the air; do you know tonight's mystery sound?
ALF:No I don't.
DJ:Right, people don't have to call in if-
ALF:Well, that was my first thought. At first I thought, I don't know what this mystery sound is - hence the name, I suppose one might say - but then, my second thought was...
DJ:Yes?
ALF:My second thought was, thank you so much for asking, Donald.
DJ:What?
ALF:It was incredibly thoughtful of you, young man, to check whether I knew.
DJ: OK, Alfred. It's honestly fine. Would you like to do a dedication?
ALF: Oh, yes, please.
DJ:Great. What song would you like?
ALF: Oh, just whatever comes.
DJ:I mean, the next song I have here is The Royal Guardsmen with 'Snoopy Versus the Red Baron'
ALF: Oh, that's perfect, thank you!
DJ:Is it a favourite of yours, Alfred?
ALF:Never heard of it. But if it is indeed a song, then it will do perfectly for the purposes.
DJ:And who do you want to dedicate it to?
ALF: Oh, your choice, bye.
DJ:Fine. I will dedicate the next song to Idi Amin, or at least his cursed unquiet spectre, on behalf of Alfred. Who do we have next, on line 3? I think it's Peter.
PETE:Hi Donald!
DJ: Peter, Peter, do you know what the mystery sound is?
PETE:No.
DJ: Oh for goodness sake!
PETE:But I'm going to have a guess.
DJ:Finally! Fantastic.
PETE:Yep.
DJ:Are you going to have a guess now or...?
PETE: Oh sorry, I thought that was the satellite delay.
DJ:Where are you calling from?
PETE:Loughborough. It's a satellite town so I thought-
DJ:Just give us your guess, Pete.
PETE:Is it The Royal Guards with 'Snoopy Versus the Red Baron'?
DJ:No. Because that's a song, Peter. It lasts more than 3 seconds. It isn't a single sound. And I just told everyone I was about to play it.
PETE:Yeah, but I thought you'd announced you'd play it because I got the answer right.
DJ:But how would I know you'd get the answer right?
PETE:Because you just told us you're going to play it! We're going round in circles now.
DJ:Right! Well, it's not that. Bye, Peter!
PETE:Can I do a dedication?
DJ:I suppose, go ahead.
PETE:Can I dedicate to my aunty Serena and aunty Venus, and my uncle Jocktopher?
DJ: Sure.
PETE:And will you play 'Humanity Is Cancer' by Anaal Nathrakh?
DJ:No! I'm going to play 'Snoopy Versus the Red Baron' by The Royal Guards!
PETE: Oh yeah, I forgot. So, just a thought, is the mystery sound 'Humanity Is Cancer' by Anaal Nathrakh?
DJ:No! No it's not! Because, although I've never heard 'Humanity Is Cancer' by Anaal Nathrakh, I suspect that 'Humanity Is Cancer' by Anaal Nathrakh features lyrics, vocals, instruments, rhythm, probably a riff or a melodic figure of some sort, and doubtless sounds like a song and almost exactly unlike someone shaering camel hair! Line 4, do you know the mystery sound!
JAN:Yes. Is it someone sharing camel hair?
DJ:[DEFLATED] Yes.
JAN:That was a very easy quiz. I was only ringing up to say I didn't know the answer, and then I found I did.
DJ: Oh. I see.
JAN:Brilliant, I'll give my bank details off-air and you can pay me that £1500. Now, can I do a dedication? Will you play 'Snoopy Versus the Red Baron' by The Royal Guards?
DJ:What do you think?
JAN:I'm pretty sure you are. But I was just being polite.
DJ:And who would you like to dedicate it to?
JAN:To you. For telling me the answer. That was really nice of you. And I'll dedicate it Pete too, because he helped a bit.
DJ:Anyone else?
JAN:Yes. Anaal Nathrakh. They always seem like such nice lads.
Old style radio advert...
This is a public service announcement on behalf of Dustweaver.
Dustweaver hair cream offers you the slickest look this side of a mirror.
Just one dab in the morning, one for lunch and a proper dinner will be enough to set hearts racing. This is a common side effect of the cream but isn't it worth it to have girls give you that look. You know what I'm talking about boys; the one that says 'are you having a heart attack?'
Hopefully not and you can reap the spoils of the benefits of the rewards of dustweaver cream. And now for the bearded gentlemen we have twistwhisker beard oil. It'll be enough to turn heads....into an unnatural position as partial neck paralysis is now a brand new side effect.
So why not combine the two- dustweaver hair cream and twistwhisker beard oil.
Survive the effects - enjoy the affection.