F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Otterfox for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst..
3 - Otterfox
1 - APlate
Next topic: Hurrah (chosen by Gappy)
Leg closed: 18.2.25
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 3 - Otterfox
2 - 1 - APlate
MAGIC PRICKS
STAGE.
Enter DICK, manic, flapping arms, falling over...
DICK Good heaving, ladies and gentlemen and that, and come well to this morning's magic pricks - a bit like the Paul Daniels Show, but without the short-arse c**t in the way. This afternoon's show is for all the family, a bit like incest - and I tried incest once, but I'm sworn to secrecy about who with: Mum's the word... Tonight I'd like to introduce you to one of the world's finest c**tunjurers and c**tortionists and c**ts, but it's me instead.
One clap: just TOM in audience.
DICK One clap. That's three more than usual.
TOM Get off...
DICK I do that every night in front of that Spice Girls video where they're in the desert and even Sporty...
TOM Get on...
DICK Make yer f**king mind up. Anyway, my first magic dick is the suspender...
TOM Pervert.
DICK Shut up... I shall c**tingly suspend a penis - I mean the pen is in thin air... (takes a pen from his pocket) The way I do it is I hold my five dick beaters up in c**t - in front of the audience and you, but all the time I'm actually...
TOM Dick!
DICK I know you are.
TOM No, Dick...
DICK I know you are.
TOM Please, Dick...
DICK Something your mother does. Or so your brother told your dad.
TOM Incest. I tried that once, but...
DICK That's my joke.
TOM Shut up. The point is, you're not supposed to tell the audience how you do the prick.
DICK Why not?
TOM It's supposed to be a trick.
DICK (shakes head) No. I cannot trick my fellow man or you. Is wrong. Lies is bad. My mother told me.
TOM Yes, but she also said you're a c**t.
DICK Well to be fair...
TOM No, I've always been brunette. The thing is, you don't tell people the secret.
DICK I see... Why not?
TOM Because it's meant to be magic.
DICK Then why do they call it a trick?
TOM Because - oh, shut up. people like to come.
DICK So does your...
TOM Shut up. I meant, people like to come out and be tricked.
DICK I see... Why?
TOM Because - oh, shut up.
DICK Sounds bally daft to me. Why would anyone wanna come...
TOM Ask your mother.
DICK Shut UP. I mean, why would anyone wanna come out...
TOM Ask the Pet Shop Boys.
DICK SHUT UP. I mean, why would anyone wanna come and pay bad money to hear someone talk shit for an hour?
TOM (shrugs) Worked for Andrew Dice Clay.
DICK Shut up... Anyway, for my next prick, I have three balls, but enough of my problems.
SILENCE.
DICK That was a joke.
TOM I know. I just didn't...
DICK All right, Jimmy f**king Carr. So, for my next dick, I show the audience three balls, a bit like the Elephant Man, and they think I'm hiding one of the balls in my pocket, a bit like my dad, but all the time I'm...
TOM Shut up. I told you, you're not supposed to...
DICK Yes, and I told you, I don't believe in lies. I'm a Catholic.
TOM No, you're not.
DICK Yes, I am. Only I'm not totally orthodox: I believe in the Holy Trinity, I read the Bible, but I don't f**k kids.
TOM Don't talk bollocks.
DICK You're right. No one reads the Bible these days... Anyway, for my next prick, I require a member.
TOM Sounds like your...
DICK Shut up. I require a member from the audience...
TOM (looks round)
DICK Yes, you, you asshole.
TOM Don't talk to me like that.
DICK Sorry. You f**king asshole.
TOM That's better. (gets up) Some people enjoy anal. F**king assholes.
DICK That's f**king shit... Anyway, hold out your hand.
TOM holds out his hand.
DICK The other one.
TOM I knew you were going to say that.
DICK Shut up. Now I shall cover your hand with a glove (does so)... And touch the hand gently... And stroke the dick beaters (does so)... And then lop off a finger with this handy carving knife I just happen to have concealed roundst my crotch (does so)...
PAUSE.
TOM Well?
DICK Well, what?
TOM Aren't you gonna say how you did it.
DICK No.
TOM Oh f**k. (grabs hand, runs off crying)
JASON: And I can't go any further without acknowledging Stefan's contribution - great work on the Wallingberg account, and a few new avenues opened. let's hear it for Stefan, hip hip.
ALL: Hooray!
JASON: Hip hip.
ALL: Hooray!
JASON: Excellent. Now, looking ahead to quarter 3-
KYLIE: Wait, wait! That was two cheers.
JASON: Correct. I see we were right to bring you into our accounting team, heh heh.
KYLIE: And that's not enough cheers.
JASON: We've already given Stefan two cheers. If I'm completely honest, I thought I'd gone a bit far with that, one would have done.
KYLIE: Two cheers is not enough, everybody knows that. Right, Stefan?
STEFAN: Well, I mean, it's for not for me to say but...yes, two cheers is definitely not enough.
JASON: Alright, alright! Two more cheers for Stefan.
CRAIG: No! It has to be 3 cheers!
JASON: OK: Three more cheers for Stefan.
KYLIE: That's 5 cheers in total! The power has gone to your head, man, you've lost any sense of decency! Stefa isn't worth 5 cheers.
JASON: I think Stefan might have something to say about that.
STEFAN: No! Look, the rejuvenated corpses of Elvis Presley and Shakespeare fooling Penn and Teller with close-up card tricks wouldn't be worth 5 cheers, if Penn was actually Jesus and Teller was made of Wagyu beef.
CRAIG: Two cheers is not nearly enough; four cheers is far too many. Five cheers is basically shitting in the mouth of good manners whilst dressed as Pol Pot.
JASON: What's so good about 3 then?
KYLIE: Have you never heard of the rule of three?
JASON: Yes, of course. That's when you say the first thing and it's normal.
KYLIE: Yes.
JASON: And then you say the second thing and it's normal.
CRAIG & STEFAN: Yes!
JASON: And then the third thing is...no, I forget.
KYLIE: Yeah, me too. [PAUSE] Me too...