F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to me for wanking it. I'll PM me with a subject for next wank. I won't really. That's my best joke.
Meanwhilst..
4 - Me
1 - Otterfox
Next topic: Suffering
Leg closed: 27.1.25
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 8 Gappy
2 7 Me
3 6 APlate, Otterfox
4 2 Teddy
AGONISED AUNT
TV STUDIO.
PRESENTER and AGONY AUNT.
PRESENTER Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and you, and welcome to this afternoon's 'This Morning Tomorrow'. Yesterday it gives me the most enormous - pleasure to hand you over to our resident agonised aunt, Miss Demeaner. Shelly, welcome.
AUNT Good night.
PRESENTER Now our last caller prefers to remain anonymous.
AUNT Strange name - I mean, very wise.
PRESENTER So, Jenny White of 69, Bakeress Street, London WY6 NE6, telephone number 001-696969, email address j.white,98r@gmail.com, what's up? Presumably not your boyfriend's penis.
VOICE ON PHONE (nervous) Er, yes... Good noon... I'm eighteen years old...
AUNT Phwoar.
PRESENTER Pardon?
AUNT Nothing.
VOICE And I've been - um - seeing - frequenting - going out with...
AUNT You mean, f**king?
PRESENTER Pardon?
AUNT Nothing.
VOICE I've been seeing an older, married man for several months now...
AUNT Slut.
PRESENTER Pardon?
AUNT Nothing.
VOICE And he says he's quite serious...
AUNT Bollocks.
PRESENTER Pardon?
AUNT Bollocks.
VOICE But he hasn't told his wife yet and...
AUNT (laughs)
PRESENTER Pardon?
VOICE So I - I just don't know what to do.
AUNT You silly tart. You ain't really fallen for that old bullshit, have you? You reckon this dirty old bastard loves you, right? You reckon he's serious, right? You reckon you're the love of his life, right?
VOICE Well I - I hoped...
AUNT (shakes her head) You don't think he just went, 'Well, I've been shagging the same old bitch for f**king years now, oh look, here's a nice bit of new pussy, wouldn't mind a bit of that?'
PRESENTER Pardon?
AUNT Bit of that.
VOICE He - he said he loved me...
AUNT Well of course he's gonna say that, inn'e, you stupid old bint? Whadja expect him to say, 'Spread yer legs mate, ain't 'ad any for weeks and I've got balls like space-hoppers down there?' So he says he loves you...
VOICE Y - yes.
PRESENTER Pardon?
VOICE Y - yes.
AUNT (guffaws) And you actually believed him? You daft old bitch. That's gonna be a good chat with the missus, innit: 'Listen love, it's been great. Just spent twenty years of my life building up a family, paying off the mortgage, sending the kids to school, loved it, but just met this fairly bonkworthy bit of skirt and I'm gonna throw it all away for this slapper I hardly even know, all I do know is she's happy to roger a guy who's not only married but old enough to be her Sunday School teacher?'
VOICE He was - so romantic...
AUNT Listen mate, I know what men are like. Used to be one meself. Do you have any idea how many married blokes enjoy a bit of 'ow's-yer-father every now and then?
VOICE Well...
AUNT Shut up.
PRESENTER Pardon?
AUNT Shut up... And d'you know how many actually jack it off - I mean, jack it in for some whore like you?
VOICE Ummm...
PRESENTER Shut up. Nought point one per cent. That means you have a one in - oooh, a million billion yillion chances. What makes you so special, eh? How the f**king f**k could you ever, even in your wildest dreams have actually dared - dream of - imagining contemplating hypothesising the tiniest, vaguest, most infinitesimal possibility that a bird like you could possibly...?
VOICE (hangs up)
AUNT Well, I hope that's knocked some sense into her.
PRESENTER Miss Demeaner, thank you.
AUNT No worries mate.
PRESENTER Our next caller does not wish to remain anonymous, so we'll call him X. Mr X, hello.
VOICE Yes, I'm a married man but I've fallen in love with...
PRESENTER Wanker.
METALLICA: Gentlemen, here we are, 3 spinach and yeast smoothies. Enjoy!
SLAYER:[BRIGHT] Thanks!
MEGADETH:[TACITURN] Mmm-hmmm.
ANTHRAX:[LOW PAINED GROAN]
SLAYER:[GLUG; LONG SIGH OF PLEASURE] Delicious
MEGADETH:[SLURP; DISAPPOINTED NOISE]
ANTHRAX:[LOW PAINED GROAN]
SLAYER: See, boys, isn't the health spa brilliant? I told you it would be relaxing and invigorating in equal measure.
MEGADETH: Doesn't that average out as nothing?
ANTHRAX:[LOW PAINED GROAN]
SLAYER: Don't be silly. It is, as you can see, despite your reservations, neither "a vast beige cash siphon for gullible hippies" nor "a little bit gay". How did you find your massages this morning? Mine was so refreshing!
MEGADETH:Meh.
ANTHRAX:[LOW PAINED GROAN]
SLAYER:When Svetlina was doing mine, she used lavender and eucalyptus. Essential oils, heavenly.
MEGADETH:When Dierdre did mine, I think she used inessential oils.
ANTHRAX:[LOW PAINED GROAN]
SLAYER:What does that mean?
MEGADETH: Superfluous essences - with redundant effects on the skin and the spirit, she said.
SLAYER: Do you mean the less common tinctures, like cedarwood or tea tree?
MEGADETH:No. She said it was aubergine and chaffinch.
ANTHRAX:[LOW PAINED GROAN]
SLAYER:But, it made you feel good, right?
MEGADETH:It didn't make me feel anything. Except, perhaps, ennui. And wind.
SLAYER: Still. An experience, right? And what about you, mate, you're being very quiet.
ANTHRAX:[LOW PAINED GROAN]
SLAYER:Well, not so much quiet, as non-verbal. What did you have?
ANTHRAX:[CROAK] Detrimental oils.
SLAYER:Like what?
ANTHRAX: Oil of uranium. Uranium, acid and bigotry. I think that's what Knuckles said it was. I kept screaming too loud to hear him - or the whale song CD. [LOW PAINED GROAN]
SLAYER:That sounds terrible! We should complain! Who's with me?
MEGADETH:[UNINTERESTED SHRUG]
ANTHRAX:[DEATH RATTLE]
SLAYER: Oh, suit yourselves. Anyway, I'm too relaxed to make a fuss. [CONTENTED SIGH] Garcon! Bring me a kale spritzer - and don't skimp on the turmeric!