F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to me for wanking it. I'll PM me with a subject for next wank please. I won't really. It was a joke.
Meanwhilst..
3 - Me
1 - Otterfox
Next topic: Play
Leg closed: 4.10.24
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 7 - Me
2 - 6 - APlate
3 - 5 - Gappy
4 - 2 - Otterfox
5 - 1 - Alfred
THOMAS TANKER
(Tune. U2, 'Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For')
I have enjoyed 'Penny Lane'
I have loved 'Strawberry Fields'
'Hey Jude' and 'She Loves You'
'Let It Be,' 'Love Me Do'
I've heard 'Rain'
I've loved Paul
I've heard George Harrison bawl
But Ringo's balls
Yes, he's total poo
'Cos I still can't work out what Ringo's for
No I still can't work out what Ringo's for
John's got such charisma
Paul's got classics at his fingertips
George Harrison
Plays guitar and chants 'Om'
I have toked with 'Guitar Gently Weeps'
Wanna hold your hand, ha-a-and
'The Long And Winding Road'
But Ringo looks like a toad
'Cos I still can't work out what Ringo's for
No I still can't work out what Ringo's for
I'm in love with 'The White Album'
Then 'All You Need Is Love', 'Here Comes The Sun'
'Revolution'
'Tomorrow Never Knows'
'Mother Should Know'
'Yesterday' and 'Chains'
'Carry That Weight'
'Blue Jay Way'
'Maggie Mae'
'Gotta Hide Love Away'
But I still can't work out what Ringo's for
But I still can't work out what Ringo's for
But I still can't work out what Ringo's for
But I still can't work out what Ringo's for
(V/O: 'Thomas the Tank Engine came into the yard...')
LANCE:Alright, Graham, pop quiz.
GRAHAM:I do actually have a TV station to run, so-
LANCE: Pop quiz. Ian McKellern, Derek Jacobi, David Tennant, Kenneth Branagh: what do they have in common?
GRAHAM:The thing with the koala bears and the custard?
LANCE:That's not in the public domain - fear not, I'm taking that secret to the grave. But, four of the greatest living actors, what else have they all done?
GRAHAM: Played Hamlet?
LANCE: Played Mr Hamlet Jr, correct. But here's my question: do you want to put Channel 5 back in the listings?
GRAHAM:I mean, we are in the listings.
LANCE:Yeah, sure, but at the end. Wouldn't you like to go in front of Channel 4 for once? And you can, with my assistance. So, sure, all those actors have played the Dane, but none of them have played the *Dane*.
GRAHAM: OK, I am going to need more of a pitch than just different inflections.
LANCE:We've seen Hamlet, Prince of Denmark a million times, but have we ever seen a prince who actually sounds like he's from Denmark?
GRAHAM:It's pretty much in the title of the play, so we don't really need err...
LANCE:Imagine the authentic dramatic power of this: [PREPOSTEROUS SCANDIWEGIAN ACCENT] To be or not to be, that is the question.
GRAHAM:What?
LANCE: [SAME ACCENT] Something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Frailty, thy name is woman. Get thee to a nunnery. Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him so well - that's not actually the proper line, but it works better for the Norwegian, so I say edit it. [SUPER SING-SONG] To die, to sleep, to sleep, perchance to dream.
GRAHAM: Are you done?
LANCE: One more - big one [SAME ACCENT - MORE SO, IF ANYTHING] Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a dew!
GRAHAM:That accent was...I'm pretty speechless.
LANCE:That good, yeah?
GRAHAM: Simple answer, we will not be doing Norwegian Hamlet, because Shakespeare wasn't Norwegian.
LANCE:I'm not saying we do it on its own! We can have a whole series of Eurobard - that's what I'm calling it, Eurobard. For instance, where's Twelfth Night set?
GRAHAM:[WEAK] Verona?
LANCE:Course it's not Verona. It's Illyria. And where's Illyria?
GRAHAM:[WEAKER STILL] Illinois?
LANCE:No! It's an ancient region that crosses the modern nations of Albania, Croatia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, so we could do it with everyone sounding like Borat [IN FARCICAL EAST EUROPEAN VOICE] If music be the food of love, play on.
GRAHAM:That didn't sound like anything!
LANCE:It wouldn't be me doing it, would it? I'm not saying I should act in it.
GRAHAM: So who should?
LANCE:Number one suggestion, Borat.
GRAHAM: OK, thanks for idea, Lance, but we will not be making racist European accent Shakespeares, OK.
LANCE:Yeah, OK. Let's just do some favourite plays, in the normal, inoffensive style.
GRAHAM:Like The Merchant of Venice and Othello.
LANCE:[OFFENSIVE JEWISH ACCENT] If you cut me will I not bleed? ["AFRICAN" ACCENT] Oh, Desdemona!
GRAHAM:Actually, perhaps we'll stick to Neighbours.
***
[LATER CALL-BACKS, IF DESIRED]
LANCE:[SUPER-STRONG GLASWEGIAN ACCENT - AND FEMALE] Oot, damned spot. Oot, I say! All the perfumes o' Arabia willnae sweeten this wee hand. And I tell ye something else-
GRAHAM:No!
***
LANCE:[MARIO ACCENT] Friends-a! Romans-a! Countrymen-a! Lend-a me your ears! Yippee! It's-a me, Marc Antony! O-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo!
GRAHAM:Why are you still here?
LANCE:I don't know, sorry.
About twelve years ago, I went to the theatre to watch a performance of a play called 'Much Ado About Nothing'. Utter drivel. Couldn't even understand half of what they were saying.
Rather than cause a big fuss by storming out in protest, I just put my earphones in and listened to some music.
I didn't think I was bothering anyone, but one of the actors on stage had obviously noticed what I was doing, because he stopped and looked directly at me, making a gesture with his hands - as if to say "take out your earphones" - so I did.
I thought that'd be the end of it, but then he started making a funny sound with his mouth, almost like an underwater creature, and bubbles were being produced by this actor's gob, and he was still staring at me the whole time. It seemed like everyone else, on stage, in the audience, was silently watching us both - as I clutched my earphones, mesmerised by that onstage mouth bubbler.
To break the awkward silence, I asked him if he wanted me to leave, but he just kept producing bubbles with his mouth, and staring at me - his eyes getting wider and wider, his face getting redder and redder.
I should add that this was the first time I'd ever been to the theatre. I didn't know what to expect. But still - surely this wasn't normal? Here was a man who was probably impersonating a fish or something, yet nobody else - not the audience, not the other actors, nobody - seemed particularly surprised by his behaviour.
"Time for a sharp exit", as the advert for Harp lager used to say. I chuckled to myself as I remembered the one with Lionel Blair, and swiftly made my way towards the door. Every so often, I glanced back at the stage - yes, the actor was staring at me the whole time, cheeks puffed out, bubbles expanding and popping around his mouth.
Eventually I reached the exit, flung the door open, and moments later was outside. Ah, the cool, refreshing air of an Autumn evening! And more importantly, no infernal mouth bubbler in sight.
I have not returned to the theatre since.
Gappy, good one.
I'm torn here. I liked Michael's song, but I utterly disagree with the basis of it. So, he gets the point, and a drunken impassioned rant about how Ringo was great if we are ever in a pub together at closing time.
The jury's still out on Ringo. Was he just an average drummer who got lucky - or a total and utter f**king shit drummer who got f**king lucky?
APlate's epic.