F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to me for wanking it. I'll PM me with a subject for next wank. I won't really. It's a joke.
Meanwhilst..
2 - Me
1 - Gappy
Next topic: Topical
Leg closed: 13.9.24
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 5 - APlate
2 - 4 - Gappy
3 - 3 - Me
4 - 1 - Otterfox
NOASIS
STUDIO.
PSYCHOLOGIST and PATIENT.
PATIENT Oh golly gosh, Mr Psychiatrist Sir, ye simply must aid me...
PSYCHOLOGIST Fear not my fine fellow, for I have studied in Stoke. So what seems to be the prob?
PATIENT I'm simply totally and utterly and - well, obsessed with Oasis.
PSYCHOLOGIST So I presume you're bally excited over the reunion?
PATIENT Mad fer it.
PSYCHOLOGIST Anyway, good afternoon.
PATIENT Hello, helloo, helllloooo.
PSYCHOLOGIST But you'd like this fixation to slip beyonder...
PATIENT Slide away.
PSYCHOLOGIST And gradually disappear like a song, just...
PATIENT Fade away.
PSYCHOLOGIST Well I'll remain alongside ye.
PATIENT Stand by me?
PSYCHOLOGIST Yes, I'll be here.
PATIENT Don't go away.
PSYCHOLOGIST So if ye heed me...
PATIENT Listen up?
PSYCHOLIST And you shut up for a moment...
PATIENT My big mouth!
PSYCHOLOGIST It's essential to relax and understand...
PATIENT The importance of being idle.
PSYCHOLOGIST And to be one's self...
PATIENT The importance of being me.
PSYCHOLOGIST As you just...
PATIENT Roll with it.
PSYCHOLOGIST So gradually...
PATIENT Little by little...
PSYCHOLOGISY Ye shall yield and...
PATIENT Acquiesce.
PSYCHOLOGIST For my overall project...
PATIENT The masterplan?
PSYCHOLIST Is that certainly or perhaps...
PATIENT Definitely, maybe?
PSYCHOLOGIST You avoid furious retrospect.
PATIENT Don't look back in anger?
PSYCHOLOGIST As well as fags and booze...
PATIENT Cigarettes and alcohol?
PSYCHOLOGIST And release this obsession...
PATIENT Go let it out.
PSYCHOLOGIST By listening to music by some other pop legend...
PATIENT Rock 'n' roll star?
PSYCHOLOGIST Like George Harrison.
PATIENT Wonderwall?
PSYCHOLOGIST Or John Lennon...
PATIENT Stand by me?
PYSCHOLOGIST No, we've done that one... Or One Direction.
PATIENT No, they're shit.
PYSCHOLOGIST So ye cease to weep from thine innards.
PATIENT Stop crying your heart out?
PSYCHOLOGIST No, YOU stop...
PATIENT D'you know what I mean?
PSYCHOLOGIST No really. Then we'll imagine...
PATIENT Let's all make believe?
PSYCHOLOGIST That things are improving, lad...
PATIENT It's getting' better, man!
PSYCHOLOGIST Till you feel immortal...
PATIENT Live forever!
PSYCHOLOGIST And remain youthful...
PATIENT Stay young.
PSYCHOLOGIST With no false suffering in a new place...
PATIENT Sham pain, supernova...
PSYCHOLOGIST That's global...
PATIENT All around the world...
PSYCHOLOGIST Without shade...
PATIENT Cast no shadow.
PYSCHOLOGIS Beneath the heavens...
PATIENT Underneath the sky.
PSYCHOLOGIST Or perhaps...
PATIENT Up in the sky.
PSYCHOLOGIST With no agitation over farts...
PATIENT Gas panic!
PSYCHOLOGIST A long way from here...
PATIENT Half the world away.
PSYCHOLOGIST Yet somehow close.
PATIENT Round are way.
PSYCHOLOGIST Yes, well before I say it's over and...
PATIENT I'm outta time?
PYSCHOLOGIST And ask what happened...
PATIENT Where did it all go wrong?
PSYCHOLOGIST I'm off to my large home away from the city.
PATIENT A house, a very big house in the country... Oh, bugger.
BERNIE: Oh, did you hear, Darth Vader is dead.
ERT: Yeah I know. At the end of Return of the Jedi. You're a bit behind on the news, mate.
BERNIE: Not the character! I mean the person who played him.
ERT: No! Dead? Surely not! Not that great actor.
BERNIE: Yes, that great actor Jame-
ERT: Brock Peters is dead?!
BERNIE: Who?
ERT: You know, Brock Peters! From Porgy & Bess, and To Kill A Mocking Bird. Who was the voice of Darth Vader in the Star Wars radio dramas, surely the definitive version of the story.
BERNIE: Err...sure, let's say that that's true. But I meant the other, less essential film versions. The guy who played Darth Vader in those is dead.
ERT: Hayden Christiansen is dead?!
BERNIE: No, of course not. In the earlier Star Wars films.
ERT: Rogue One, you mean?
BERNIE: Made earlier, not earlier in the narrative.
ERT: Dave Prowse is dead?!
BERNIE: No! Well, actually, yes, he died a few years ago.
ERT: Crossing the road?
BERNIE: No, obviously not. But he was just the body of Darth Vader, I'm talking about the guy who did the voice.
ERT: Brock Peters is dead?!
BERNIE: We just did this.
ERT: Oh yeah. So who's dead, again? Because you're making this quite confusing, I must say.
BERNIE: James Earl Jones.
ERT: Oh. Right.
BERNIE: Aren't you sad?
ERT: Not really. I hate Star Wars.
BERNIE: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
ERT: [SPUTTERS, LIKE HE'S CHOKING TO DEATH, OR SOMETHING. I DON'T CARE THAT MUCH FOR STAR WAS MYSELF, TO BE FRANK, BUT I CERTAINLY LIKE TOPICAL COMEDY LESS. ALRIGHT, ARE WE DONE HERE, THEN?]
JIM: How do, Bob. Did you see that thing on the news? Apparently, Dave Allen's done a Moonwalk.
BOB: Um, I find that very difficult to believe, Jim.
JIM: Oh, right. You're one of those so-called 'Conspicuous Theorists', are you?
BOB: Um, well, not quite, Jim. But I mean you haven't quite understood the story.
JIM: Well, I saw the video. It was clearly Dave Allen, in a space suit, doing that strange dance that Michael Jackson used to do. With his FEET, Bob!
BOB: No, no. You've got it all wrong, Jim. Some rich bloke did a spacewalk. And, er, there's something about the Van Allen radiation belt, or some shit. And it all got muddled up in your pitiful brain.
JIM: Oh, right. Well, I might have got that bit wrong. But the rest of it is definitely true, 'cos I saw it on the news...
BOB: Yes, I'm not disputing that.
JIM: ...I saw his FEET, Bob!
BOB: It wasn't Dave Allen, though, as long as you realise that.
JIM: Anyway, some of those conspicuous theory geezers say that all those videos in space are fake, 'cos you can't see any stars. But I reckon that's 'cos they go up there during the day.
BOB: No, Jim. You've got yourself all confused again, you abomination of God's creation.
JIM: Well, balls to you, Bob. You're always talking down to me. What makes you such an expert on space, anyway?
BOB: I'm not an expert on space. Not particularly. But - well, I suppose I should've mentioned it before... I'm actually an alien.
JIM: Oh, right. Go on, then. Do something 'alien'.
BOB TAKES OFF HIS SHOES, REVEALING GREEN SCALY LIZARD FEET. THEN WALKS OFF
ANOTHER CHARACTER, LEE, ARRIVES
JIM: How do, Lee. You just missed Bob.
LEE: Oh well, who cares. He's a bit of a prat anyway.
JIM: Not only that, but it turns out that he's an alien.
LEE: Is he, now? Do you have any proof?
JIM: I saw his FEET, Lee!
OUT OF WORK ACTOR WITH BLACK MAKEUP ON HIS FACE AND A CURLY AFRO WIG IN COLOURFUL SHIRT AND SHORTS HOLDING TWO COCONUTS HOPS ABOUT ON AN AUTUMNAL WOODLAND SET SINGING
Ooh shake me coconuts, shake me coconuts, it's me coconuts me likes to shake.
Ooh shake me coconuts, shake me coconuts for the totally tropical taste.
DIRECTOR: No luvvie, no! Cut! We don't want a bloody limbo dancer! We've just done that advert, are you sure you've read the script?
ACTOR Well that's the one my agent gave me. I've had to give up playing Yorrick with the RSC for this fiasco. Do you think I like prancing about with cocoa powder on my face? Really, I've never been so humiliated! Wait till Dickie hears about this!
DIRECTOR Okay wait a minute, look, we've found a costume for you.
FIVE MINUTES LATER, ACTOR IN SQUIRREL COSTUME PRANCES ABOUT EXACTLY AS BEFORE BUT HOLDING A RAKE, SINGING
Ooh rake me hazelnuts, rake me hazelnuts, it's me hazelnuts me likes like to rake.
Ooh rake me hazelnuts, rake me hazelnuts, for the totally Topical taste.
I'll vote Alfred.. didn't see the punchline coming! Silly but it made me chuckle.
Gappy.
I'll vote for a plate, but Alfred gets kudos for a very unexpected ending.
Thankyou. Hard to choose as all good, but just for its sheer length and managing to keep it up I'll give Michael's the rub.
My son's a wanker like me. Glad something's rubbed off.