F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to APlate,
Gappy and me for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst..
1 - Gappy, APlate, Me
Next topic: Groceries (chosen by Gappy)
Leg closed: 4.9.24
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 5 - APlate
2 - 3 - Gappy
3 - 1 - Otterfox, Me
STUPORMARKET
GROCER'S.
CUSTOMER and GROCER.
CUSTOMER Hello, is this the grocer's?
GROCER No, it's you setting up the sketch.
CUSTOMER Well, I'll have a pound of apples please.
GROCER Certainly Sir, that's three pounds.
CUSTOMER I said, a pound...
GROCER Yes, a pound of apples is usually...
CUSTOMER I see.
GROCER (looks round) Where, Sir?
CUSTOMER You mean a pound in weight.
GROCER Pardon?
CUSTOMER Weight.
GROCER OK. (looks ahead)
CUSTOMER I meant, body mass.
GROCER You're not exactly Kate Moss yerself, Sir.
CUSTOMER (sighs) Look at the scales.
GROCER Pardon?
CUSTOMER Scales.
GROCER You want fish now?
CUSTOMER Hey: sold me a faulty set of scales once. Never gotta weigh with it.
GROCER Pardon, Sir?
CUSTOMER It was a joke.
GROCER Very good, Sir. (weighs)
CUSTOMER How much is it?
GROCER One pound, Sir.
CUSTOMER But I thought you said...
GROCER Yes, Sir. I've placed a third of the usual on the scales so...
CUSTOMER Oh, sod off.
GROCER I'm terribly sorry, Sir... This is worse than my last job.
CUSTOMER Where did you work?
GROCER Poundland.
PETE: Hi, Pam.
PAM: Oh, hey, Pete. What have you been up to?
PETE;Just a bit of shopping. Got some pickles.
PAM:I love pickles.
PETE:Yep. Picked them myself. I'm a dab hand at it, quite the expert pickle picker.
PAM: Pardon?
PETE: Picked the peppers myself. Quite a lot of them too, a whole peck.
PAM:Two gallons of pickles?
PETE:I love pickles, what can I say!
PAM:Well, you can say how you picked pickled peppers. Because pickled peppers aren't stored loose.
PETE:What are getting at, Pam?
PAM:I'm saying, it is possible for you to pick a peck of peppers prior to their being pickled, and pick them up post-hoc from a preserving plant, but there is no potential to pick pre-pickled provender from a pile as you please.
PETE:That's easy for you to say.
PAM: Perfectly plausibly, you could have picked a peck of packaged prepickled peppers from a plenitude of other pecks of packaged prepickled peppers presented by a provisioner, but that's not praiseworthy practice. What principle presided over the picking of the prepickled peppers you purchased?
PETE:Alright! I just grabbed the nearest.
PAM: Proximity! Pretty paltry performance in your pickled pepper procurement, Peter. You play up your prowess and pickle-picking proficiency but there's a particular paucity of proper proof! Pack in this pretension pronto. [BEAT] Ponce.
PETE:Yeah, I suppose. So what are you up to now?
PAM:Have to put in some extra hours at the shop, I have to admit that business has not been going well in the world of seashell sales.
PETE:I still think you should move the operation inland.
PAM: Piss off, prick.
MAN AND WOMAN GO INTO A GROCERY SHOP
MAN: Hello there, you grocer!
GROCER: How do you spell the 'f**k' in 'broccoli'?
MAN: Er, I think you've got me confused with someone else.
GROCER: Oh, sorry about that. I was just practising what I was going to say to one of my regular customers. He's been getting on my bloody nerves, asking for broccoli all the time. So, I was gonna say, 'you look like an educated man...'
MAN: Yeah, yeah, I know how it goes. Now, I've got a 50p piece here. What can I get for 50p?
GROCER: You can get the Hell out of my shop! (laughs)
MAN: Oh! Well, I was rather hoping to purchase something for 50p. Perhaps a pleasant yogurt, or something of that ilk.
GROCER: You'll be lucky. Pleasant yogurts are one pound each. Disgusting ones are 99p.
MAN: That's rather expensive. Perhaps I should take my custom elsewhere.
GROCER: Your 'custom'?! That's no way to speak about your female companion! (laughs) Now, you should notice that I didn't say 'wife'. That's because you are clearly one of those 'homo sapiens' that I've read about in The Telegraph.
WOMAN: I should probably say something. Otherwise, it might seem like I'm only here so you could make that comment about me being 'custom', or whatever it was.
GROCER: Yes, and that didn't really make sense anyway, did it! (laughs) So, are either of you going to buy anything?
MAN: Well, do you have anything cheaper than yogurts?
GROCER: No.
MAN: What about anything cheaper than canned goods?
GROCER: Sure.
MAN: OK, I'll have one of those.
GROCER: That'll be two quid.
MAN: Seems very reasonable.
Gappy.
Michael.
It says leg closed on 4.9.24 in the opening post! But I see it says 3.9.24 in the title, so I guess we're going by that
Both clever word-play offerings, I vote Michael for his traditional style sketch.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NtRsbMv2TL4 Results and mother coming.