F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to A
Gappy for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst..
2 - Gappy
1 - APlate
Next topic: Superpower (chosen by APlate)
Leg closed: 23.8.24 for Scummer holidays
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 4 - APlate
2 - 2 - Gappy
3 - 1 - Otterfox
1: I did it, man. Rawdogged it.
2: What does that mean?
1: Rawdogging! You remember, when I used to take all those flights to New Zealand, but I didn't sleep, read, or watch a film. Just stared straight ahead for 14 hours.
2: Ah yes, I recall you doing that, and being confused about why you had. But what's that got to do with anything, you've not been on a plane in years.
1: Yeah, but I rawdog everything, man! Remember school?
2: How do you rawdog school?
1: 11 years, no punishments, no qualifications, no friends. Boom!
2: Is boom the ideal onomatopoeia in this circumstance?
1: And life! I rawdogged my whole adult life. No relationships, no achievements, no idea what you'll say at the eulogy.
2: That part's true.
1: You might say that rawdogging is my super power!
2: No. I wouldn't. I'd say super power is your super power.
1: Really?
2: Yes. And I'd say this because, as you know, you and I arrived here as infants from an alien planet with supranormal abilities. Mine's speed, and yours is strength. And never, in your whole life, have you used that power for good. Or even for evil.
1: And that's what I call rawdogging, bro. Nobody else in the history of the earth has rawdogged an entire existence whilst have extra-human facilities! And now, I'm here, lapping up the rawdog glory, on my death bed.
2: If you were properly rawdogging it you'd not have a bed.
1: Oh, f**k. You're right. [BEAT] Want to go save an orphan?
2: I already saved them all.
1: [TUT] Stupid super-speed.
VLAD PUTIN
(Tune: 'Rasputin', Boney M)
There lives a seedy twat in Russia, don'cha know
Geezer's tough and strong, big blue eyes and curly toes
Ukraine guys look at him with terror and with fear
But to Pekin' dicks he is such a lovely dear
He can breach Zelenski, what a preacher
High on ecstasy and lies
But he also is the kind of teacher
Li Qiang would desire
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
There lives a berk who shat on Kiev months ago
Geek's a pig, so wrong, kipper tie and dickie bow
EU won't f**k with him, they're terrorised in fear
But in China, pricks dig him and with love go near
Ukraine beaches fired, son of a beach, yeah
Uman, Odessa on fire
You, man, had better stop kind of preachin'
Lviv not alive
Vla-Vla-Vlad Putin
Lover of Ms Kabaeva
There was a cat that really does pong
Ra-ra-Rasputin
Russia's greatest love machine
It is a shame how he carries on
He ruled the Russian bad and thinks he is the Czar
But for Olaf Scholz he ist wirklich wunderbar
In all affairs of state he screws finance with ease
But he's full of hate when he has Ukraine to squeeze
For the UK he's no wheeler dealer
When France heard, no things they've done
At all, Attal ain't done f**k all at all, f**k all
That's the French for you
Vla-Vla-Vlad Putin
Lover of that gymnast queen
There was a rad bang and she was gone
Vla-Vla-Vlad Putin
Russia's greatest wat machine
It was a shame, now it carries on
Kiev on the brink, armies thrusting
With his lusting for power
Kharkiv's down, killed more and more people
The demands to do something
About this outrageous prat
Became louder and prouder
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
"This rat's just got to go", declare his enemies
But the Chinese beg, "Don't you ever do it, please"
No doubt this rad Putin has lots of bombs and arms
Though he is a brute, Peking falls into his arms
Death all night, Donetsk and Dnipro done in
Innocents are not to blame
"Come and help us", Ukraine's demanding
And Jack Shit came
Vla-Vla-Vlad Putin
And next to him, Prussia's queer
He shoots guns, poison gas, makes guys whine
Vla-Vla-Vlad Putin
Russia's greatest blood machine
He sank them all and said, "I feel fine"
Vla-Vla-Vlad Putin
Asshole on the Russian scene
This prick is shit, he wants you dead
Vla-Vla-Vlad Putin
Russia's biggest waste of time
It's not just Russia's Square that's red
Oh, that Russian
ROBERT meets JIM, WALKING DOWN THE STREET
ROBERT: All right, Jim? I've got some news.
JIM: Go on then, Trevor McDonald. (laughs)
ROBERT: God, I HATE it when you do that... Anyway, the other day, I was bitten by something radioactive, and I have acquired a superpower.
JIM: Oh, right. What is it? Counting?
ROBERT: Well, I was more or less able to do that already.
JIM: I mean super counting. Like Dustin Gee in that superhero film Rain Man.
ROBERT: That's not quite right for a couple of reasons. But anyway, no, I have superhuman strength, Jim. It's strength, Jim, but not as we know it. (laughs)
JIM: I don't believe you, Robert.
ROBERT: It's true, though.
JIM: Fair enough. Go on, then. Do something strong.
ROBERT: Ooh... I could crush a post box?
JIM: Go on then, Stu Francis. (laughs)
ROBERT: God, I HATE it when you do that... Anyway, watch this.
ROBERT SLAMS HIS HAND DOWN ON A POST BOX, WHICH SORT OF GOES LIKE A CRUSHED DRINKS CAN DOES. YOU KNOW THE SORT OF THING.
JIM: Christ! I wasn't expecting that.
ROBERT: S'good, innit! So, have you got any ideas for my superhero name?
JIM: What about 'The Vandal', if you're gonna go around crushing post boxes?
ROBERT: Oh, that was just a one-off. I'll do good things from now on. I was thinking I could be called something like... hmm... 'Powerful Man'.
JIM: Oh, good God, no, Robert. That's awful.
A POLICEMAN WALKS BY
POLICEMAN: Evening, gentlemen. What's happened to that flattened post box?
JIM: Well, it's been flattened, hasn't it.
POLICEMAN: Ah. That's cleared that up that mystery, then.
POLICEMAN WALKS OFF
ROBERT: Phew, that was a close one! I could've been in big trouble then, if it wasn't for your quick thinking.
JIM: So, are you going to do anything else with your super strength, or is that it now?
ROBERT: Well, I may as well carry on. I've started, so I'll finish.
JIM: Go on then, um... Hang on, who does Mastermind now?
ROBERT: Never mind that now. Watch this.
ROBERT SLAMS HIS HAND DOWN ON JIM'S HEAD, LEAVING HIM LOOKING LIKE A SQUASHED PERSON. NO BLOOD OR ANYTHING NASTY, JUST SORT OF SQUASHED. YOU KNOW THE SORT OF THING.
JIM: (pained) God, I HATE it when you do that...
Gappy.
I liked gappy's but my vote goes to Michael, for the inspired Putin/Rasputin thing, and the lyrics fit the original well. A little bit of politics there
I always enjoy Michael's song parodies, but I have to give my vote to a plate for the "squashed person" image. Anyone want to break our three-way tie?
Two fleas had a race to the middle of my jacket. Ended in a tie.
Meanwhile...