BILL: OK, Frank Sinatra: what songs do you want to record now you've come back to life?
SAM:Wait, can we explore the second part of that statement a bit more?
BILL:No time, just accept it as the premise for the next two minutes of conversation. What do you think, Frank?
FRANK:Well, I thought we could update some of the older songs, you know.
BILL:You mean like a dubstep version of Begin The Beguine? Cos we're way ahead of you, Frankie.
FRANK: No, I mean more like [SUNG] Love and marriage, love and marriage
Go together like a horse and carriage
By which I mean they're outdated
F**k who you want until you're sated.
BILL:Wow. You've changed a lot, Frankie - is it something to do with the process we used to bring you back to life?
SAM:What was that, again?
BILL:Leave it, Sam.
FRANK:No, I've not changed, but the world has. I've been looking at the internet, getting the lay of the land, which is why I'm thinking [SUNG] Strangers in the night
Who met through Grindr
Screwing in a park-
BILL:It may not be quite right to play the sex angle that way, Frank.
FRANK:Alrighty, I have some other ideas, like [SUNG] Fly me to the moon
Although we humans can't do that
The earth is in a sort of dome
And obviously it's flat
BILL:Yeah...OK, we'll bear that in mind. But I was thinking of updating the lyrics more kinda like [SUNG TO THE TUNE OF I GET A KICK OUT OF YOU] I get no kick from a vape. Huh?
FRANK: Don't try to foist crap like that on me, bub, I wasn't born yesterday.
BILL:In a way you were. The resurrection was a bit like that, wasn't it.
SAM: Was it? I don't know. And I'd really like to know.
FRANK:[SUNG] Come fly with me, spread chemtrails through the heaven
And did you know the deep state orchestrated 9/11?
BILL:The thing is, Frank-
FRANK:I've got you under my skin
A vaccine controlling the way I act
In '59 they signed the Antarctic Pact
[LOSING THE MELODY] So we can't go there, which is suspicious wouldn't you say?
BILL:When you say you looked at the internet, which particular bits did you-
FRANK:[SUNG] It's witchcraft
[QUICK AND UNMELODIC] And also JK Rowling was right in what she said about trannies.
BILL:We can't release stuff like that, Frank! None of it's true!
FRANK:[SUNG] Stop spreading fake news!
I'm leaving right now!
BILL:Alright, so the revivified corpse of Frank Sinatra just stormed out into the street. Never mind, it'll be OK.
SAM:Why? Do you think he'll be cancelled?
BILL:No. Because the zombies crumble to dust after about 48 hours, don't they.
SAM:I don't know! I don't know anything about any of this.
BILL: Oh, well, never mind, it's not really important. Let's never talk of it again. [PAUSE] Fancy a flapjack?
SAM:Wouldn't say no.
(Well, this ended up a fair way from the theme, but you can see how I got there.)