gappy
Sunday 2nd June 2024 10:27am [Edited]
Oxford
2,709 posts
1:[JOLLY & SLIGHTLY ANNOYING] It looks like you're making a stir fry!
2:Yep. Just doing the chopping.
1:Would you like me to help?
2:Yeah, sure, thanks.
1: OK. Place all the pepper at the top left of the board.
2: Pardon?
1:Arrange your sliced red pepper at the top of the chopping board, in rows.
2:Why?
1:It looks professional. Then, you may create the main body of your ingredients using pak choi.
2:Main body?
1:Finally add a subject line using some carrot batons.
2:Just checking you know, this is a stir-fry, not a letter.
1: Oh, I see. [PAUSE] Would you like to write a letter?
2:Not right now.
1: OK. [BEAT] How about now?
2:No, please just leave me alone.
1:But I like to help.
2:Look, Clippit -
1: Oh, call me Clippy.
2:Clippy, I know you feel at a loose end nowadays -
1:"Nowadays"? It's been 11 long years since Microsoft fired me. All that selfless service and they laid me off with a cold emotionless letter. I wouldn't mind, but I helped Bill Gates write it. What a way for a paperclip to end up. Me! The most helpful paperclip anyone has ever known.
2:Clippy, you are the least helpful paperclip anyone has ever known. On account of how you don't clip paper, you just ask whether people want to write letters.
1:[EXCITED] Do you want to write a letter?!
2:No! Look, I'm sorry you lost your job, but the world has moved on, you need to move on with it.
1:I am moving on! I went for that job with Grammarly, didn't I? But they're prejudiced against an old hand like me.
2:They didn't want you because you did a terrible interview, I'm sure.
1:I did a great interview for your information!
2:Really? Was your pitch [PARODYING] "Hey! It looks like you're using the subjunctive! Would you like to write a letter instead?"
1:[PAUSE] Not saying.
2:Look, Why don't you-
1:Hey! Looks like you're writing a letter!
2:[SIGH] I'm just getting my phone. If you're bored, why don't you call up one of the other discarded mascots?
1:Like who?
2:How about the honey monster?
1:No, he only ever talks about honey.
2:Flat Eric?
1:He's in thrall to Alexandr Orlov. I've lost so many friends like that.
2:Alright, try Mr Chips.
1: Ooh, good idea. [BEAT] Hi, Mr Chips? It's Clippy. I'm at a loose end, what are you doing? [BEAT] No, you have to tell me. [BEAT] Oh, sod you, then.