Well, (gulp) here goes;
This is the first thing I've ever written in full so any feedback would be appreciated.
This is the first episode of a proposed six part sitcom about a group of hapless writers who meet each week to try and write their comedy drama masterpiece "Roy's Castle". I could witter on about style and meaning etc. but if you don't get it from the script then it's not much good me pointing it out.
Could I rather tentatively say "enjoy".
WRITERS' BLOC
Episode 1
“By Way Of Introduction”
Written by
John Ramsay
Additional Material by
Ray Murphy
John.ramsay90@ntlworld.com
List of Characters: Episode 1
Members of Writers’ Bloc
Alan BrookeGroup Leader
Brice Willis
Colin Nicholls
Dara O’Dea
Edith Wilton
Fay NichollsNew Member
Gaynor Hopkins
Other Characters
Ken TynanLandlord (A Hero’s Welcome Pub)
SCENE 1.INT. SAVOY HOTEL.NIGHT
[THE SCENE IS AN AWARDS CEREMONY. ON STAGE A WELL-KNOWN CELEBRITY IS OPENING AN ENVELOPE]
PRESENTER
And the winner for best screenplay is…..….[HE PAUSES FOR EFFECT THEN SMILES]…..a great talent, a lovely guy and a very dear friend….Alan Brooke for the comedy drama, Roy’s Castle.
[THE CAMERA PANS TO ONE OF THE TABLES WHERE ALAN BROOKE, FORTY-SOMETHING AND PORTLY, PUNCHES THE AIR IN TRIUMPH, LEAPS OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND BOUNDS ONTO THE STAGE. A CACOPHONY OF CHEERS AND APPLAUSE GREETS HIM AS HE HUGS THE PRESENTER AND THEN HOLDS HIS BAFTA AWARD ALOFT, SMILING TEARFULLY.]
CUT TO
SCENE 2 INT.”A HERO’S WELCOME” PUBLIC HOUSE.NIGHT
[A CLOSE UP OF ALAN’S FACE, WHICH HAS A FAINT SMILE AND A FARAWAY LOOK. HE SUDDENLY SNAPS OUT OF HIS DAYDREAM AND LOOKS AROUND THE TABLE. THE FOUR PEOPLE SEATED ROUND THE TABLE ARE EDITH, LATE THIRTIES WITH A KINDLY FACE AND A MUMSY BEARING; BRICE, LATE TWENTIES, FURTIVE AND WIRY; DARA, EARLY FIFTIES WITH A ONCE-HANDSOME FACE DISPLAYING THE RAVAGES OF DRINK; AND COLIN, LATE TWENTIES TALL, GAUNT AND LONG-HAIRED. EDITH, DARA AND BRICE ARE ALL DISTRACTEDLY FIDDLING WITH THEIR MOBILE PHONES WHILST COLIN IS READING A COMIC. ALL ARE SIPPING FROM THEIR RESPECTIVE DRINKS. ALAN’S EXPRESSION CHANGES TO ONE OF GLOOM. HE TRIES TO ATTRACT THEIR ATTENTION]
ALAN
Cough.
[NO ONE NOTICES HIM AND THEY CARRY ON AS BEFORE. HE TRIES AGAIN, ONLY LOUDER]
ALAN
Cough. Cough.
[AGAIN NO ONE PAYS HIM ANY HEED WHATSOEVER. DISGRUNTLED HE RAISES THE VOLUME STILL MORE]
ALAN
Cough. Cough. Cough.
[AS QUICK AS A FLASH EDITH, WITHOUT LOOKING UP FORM HER MOBILE, HAS A PACKET OF COUGH SWEETS THRUST UNDER ALAN’S FACE. DEFEATED, HE TRIES A MORE DIRECT APPROACH]
ALAN
Could we try and look a little energised, a bit business-like? If she sees you like this she’ll just turn and flee.
COLIN
If who sees us?
BRICE
Don’t you know? Alan’s recruited some new hotshot writer to join the group.
ALAN
Her name’s Fay and she’s coming along tonight.
COLIN
There’s six of us already. Do we need more bodies?
ALAN
We don’t need more bodies, Colin, but we do need more creative input to lift us out of this stagnation. I’m sure Fay will give us just that. So its important she gets a good impression. Please! Edith, is there any word from Gaynor?
EDITH
She’s having a bit of trouble settling her mother down but she’ll be here soon.
DARA
She’s late every week.
EDITH
It’s not Gaynor’s fault. Her mother’s health is very fragile and she’s a very cloying, needy and manipulative personality.
BRICE
Are we talking Gaynor or her mother here.
ALAN
Cut it out please, Brice. I want you to make a special effort to get along with Gaynor tonight. Pretty please.
BRICE
Well, I’ll give it a go as long as she doesn’t arrive with a face on her like a smacked bum and go straight into autobitch mode.
[THEY ALL LOOK AT HIM SEVERELY]
BRICE[CONTD]
Damn, I failed already and she’s not even here yet.
ALAN
Exactly. Turning to the business at hand; who’s written something this week. Dara?
DARA [SHAKING HIS HEAD]
Busy rehearsing a new production, I’m afraid. My muse is fully employed at the moment learning the shallow and barely literate lines of some neurotic teenage prodigy of the Walmington Vic.
ALAN
We’ll all look forward to complimentary tickets for that when it opens. Brice?
BRICE
Yep, I’ve got something.
ALAN
Really?
BRICE
It’s a short sketch about the death of Christ.
ALAN [SIGHS)
Sounds offensive. Sounds very offensive. It’s offensive, isn’t it?
BRICE
No, absolutely not.
ALAN
Brice, I can’t remember the last time you wrote anything that didn’t offend someone. Even Edith, who finds the positive in anything, finds your stuff a bit offensive.
EDITH
I don’t find his stuff a bit offensive.
ALAN
No?
EDITH
I find it sick and depraved.
BRICE
OK. OK. If you’re really hyper-sensitive you might think it’s a teeny bit offensive but I guarantee you most people won’t.
CUT TO
SCENE 3 EXT.MOUNT CALVARY.EVENING
[THE DARK SILHOUETTE OF A CROSS ON A HILL CAN BE SEEN. AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL MARY, MOTHER OF JESUS, IS BEING LED OFF AND COMFORTED BY TWO YOUNG BEARDED MEN. ONE OF THEM PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER TO COMFORT HER.]
YOUNG MAN
Well, at least he didn’t suffer.
CUT TO
SCENE 4 INT.PUB TABLE.NIGHT
ALAN
I knew it. Par for the course really. Wasn’t it just last week you were suggesting a Taliban barber’s quartet singing “What shall we do with a drunken sailor”.
BRICE
A real sense of menace there. Think of the comic potential.
ALAN
Do you take some perverted pleasure in offending as many people as possible.
BRICE
I can’t be expected to constantly keep pace with ever-changing sensibilities.
ALAN
Brice, I think you’ve got some issues. And to think I once described you as morally ambivalent.
BRICE
Does that mean repulsive?
ALAN
No.
BRICE
Thanks very much then.
EDITH
I’d rather we steered well clear of the old religious thing myself. I think, as writers, we’ve got be aware of our wider responsibilities.
DARA
Like trying to stay alive.
BRICE
I’ll take that as a no then for the Christ sketch.
[THEY ALL NOD]
ALAN
What about anyone else? Edith?
EDITH
Going through a bit of a barren patch at the moment.
[SHE WAVES AN EMPTY NOTEBOOK].
ALAN
Colin?
COLIN
Sorry, nothing from me. No time. I’ve been at a Warhammer convention all week.
ALAN [SIGHS]
So, all in all, once again, nothing. Zilch. Great…. Fine. You might as well go back to playing with your mobiles then.
[THEY ALREADY ARE.]
CUT TO
[DARA IS AT THE BAR ORDERING DRINKS FROM KEN, THE LANDLORD. KEN LOOKS EX-ARMY, MID-FORTIES]
DARA
And a vodka and tonic please Ken.
KEN
Is that everything?
DARA
That’s the whole kit and caboodle.
KEN
That’s eleven pounds twenty then.
DARA
And where is the lovely Heidi Christmas this evening?
KEN
She’s back in the Faroe Islands for a week.
DARA
Really? Annual whale hunt? Puffin Harvest?
KEN
No, she’s on her Dad’s boat trawling for cod in Atlantic storms. She loves the outdoor life?
DARA
Aye, well there’s a fair few who wouldn’t mind being onboard with young Heidi, being tossed up and down the high seas.
KEN
Well, they’ll just have to wait but she’ll be back behind the bar next week………cod willing.
[KEN PERMITS HIMSELF A SMILE AT HIS OWN JOKE. DARA JUST STARES AT HIM IMPASSIVELY. DARA THEN TURNS TOWARDS THE DOOR WHICH HAS JUST OPENED.]
DARA
Ah, young Miss Hopkins. How kind of you to grace us with your presence.
[A BREATHLESS AND AGITATED GAYNOR HOPKINS, TRIM, EARLY THIRTIES, ARRIVES AT THE BAR.]
GAYNOR
A vodka and slimline, please, Ken.
DARA
Do I take it mother is now secured to a sturdy radiator?
GAYNOR
Well, there was some limited intervention but happily we stopped short of a four point restraint this week. As long as she has access to food and water, I mean gin and……well gin really, I should be OK for a few hours.……Though if she phones my mobile again tonight I may just go back and pepper spray the old bitch.
CUT TO
[BACK AT THE TABLE A HEATED DISCUSSION IS TAKING PLACE.]
BRICE
I’m telling you. You never get two good pieces of fried chicken. You always get one good one and one piece of gristle. That’s just the way it is.
EDITH
Well you should just refuse to accept it and make them give you another.
BRICE
No chance. One good piece, one bad piece; that’s the only piece of training these guys get and their jobs depend upon it.
DARA
He’s got a point. You’d need to take along some major league Mafioso with attitude to get two good pieces.
BRICE
I’m not so sure. I think you could have Marcellus Wallace and the cast of Pulp Fiction in there and they still wouldn’t get two good pieces. Trust me. The only way to get two good pieces is to order one piece and then come back and order another piece in a separate order. Only a basket case would do that.
[ALAN CHECKS HIS WATCH AGAIN. DARA AND GAYNOR APPROACH THE TABLE WITH THE DRINKS.]
BRICE
So where’s this new flange, then?
ALAN
Flange? Are we talking plumbing here?
BRICE
Flange. Skirt. Totty.
DARA
Sexually active females.
ALAN
Yes, thank you, Dara. I’m only too aware what Brice means. I want none of that stuff from either of you. I want you to be courteous and professional to her when she arrives. No innuendo, no sexism, no offensive jokes or references.
BRICE
If you want me to leave just say so. Anyone.
GAYNOR [CUPPING HANDS TO MOUTH IN A MOCK MEGAPHONE]
Leave! Please! Just Leave!
BRICE [IGNORING GAYNOR]
Anyone. Anyone at all.
ALAN
I mean it. This woman’s the real deal. She’s done more film and TV work than the rest of us put together.
GAYNOR
And she wants to join a second rate group like ours.
EDITH
Oh Gaynor, you’re always so down on things. Think positive. You have to remember the line between success and failure even for the best writers is very narrow.
GAYNOR
Doesn’t feel very narrow. Feels very bloody wide from where I’m standing.
BRICE
I think that’s because we’re on the line between failure and abject failure.
COLIN
If we’re talking degree of failure that would be more of a gradient than a line.
BRICE
Thank you, Captain Pedantic.
COLIN
At your service. Well, however good she may be, she’s no stickler for punctuality.
ALAN
I expect she’s running a bit late, that’s all.
COLIN
Perhaps she’s gone to the wrong pub.
ALAN
I text and emailed her. How many pubs in this town do you know called “A Hero’s Welcome.”
GAYNOR
You’ve never actually met this woman then?
ALAN
No she responded to my ad for new writers in the community newspaper and that’s about it. One phone call.
[AT THAT MOMENT KEN AND A WOMAN APPROACH. KEN IS USHERING THE WOMAN TOWARDS THE TABLE. SHE IS SLIM, MID-THIRTIES, TANNED AND WELL GROOMED.]
KEN
These are the people you’re looking for, our writers in residence. I found her in the other bar. I’ll leave you to it.
ALAN
Thanks Ken. This is Fay everyone. Please have a seat.
[KEN TURNS AND MAKES HIS WAY BACK TO THE BAR.]
EDITH
I didn’t even know they had another bar here.
DARA [AS A HUSHED ASIDE TO BRICE]
You would do if you ever bought a round.
ALAN
Let me begin with a round of introductions. This is Fay who is interested in joining our group.
FAY
Hi everyone.
ALAN
I’m Alan Brooke, we talked on the phone, and this is Edith Wilton. Edith works on the local paper, the Walmington Tribune.
EDITH
Well, actually I only compile the personal ads.
ALAN
Over there we have our resident thespian, Dara O’Dea.
FAY
An actor! Fantastic! I’ve probably seen you on TV or something.
GAYNOR
Not in this century you haven’t.
ALAN
The man to his right is Brice Willis; Brice works for a high street electrical retailer. And the blonde lady to your right is Gaynor Hopkins, a nurse.
GAYNOR
A sexual health nurse.
DARA
In other words, a pox swabber.
BRICE
Fanny mechanic.
ALAN
The quiet young man across from you is graphic artist, Colin Nicholls.
COLIN
Hi.
FAY
Ah. We share the same name.
BRICE [TO FAY]
Can I get you a drink, Colin.
FAY
No, I meant my surname is Nicholls.
EDITH
He’s pulling your leg, Fay.
GAYNOR
Yes, you’ll have to watch him. The Flange-Meister!
[BRICE LOOKS SUDDENLY VERY SHEEPISH.]
GAYNOR
But never look a gift horse in the mouth as I say. If he’s offering to buy drinks then go for it. I’ll have another vodka and slimline please Brice.
[GAYNOR AND BRICE BOTH SMILE SARCASTICALLY AT EACH OTHER.]
ALAN
Err. Gaynor and Brice often have this creative tension between them. It always looks worse than it is.
GAYNOR
I put his personality disorder down to some sort of pre-life crisis that’s all.
BRICE
Oh, listen to Grumplestiltskin there.
[ALAN GIVES THEM BOTH A WEAK IMPLORING SMILE]
FAY
Err, pleased to meet all of you. Please, [JOINING HANDS TOGETHER IN SUPPLICATION] let me atone for my lateness and get you all a drink. Same again all round is it?
[AS SHE STANDS TO COLLECT GLASSES AND TAKE THE ORDER IN THE BACKGROUND WE SEE KEN’S HEAD JUST COLLAPSE ON THE BAR. HE’S OUT COLD. FAY SHRIEKS IN ALARM.]
FAY
Oh my God, what’s happened to…
ALAN
Don’t get alarmed. This happens all the time. Ken’s a narcoleptic. He frequently just conks out for a minute or two and then when he comes to, he just carries on as before. Usually happens a few times a night. Nothing to worry about.
FAY [SITS BACK DOWN TENTATIVELY]
Are you sure?
ALAN
Positive. He’ll be as right as rain in a minute. Don’t worry. Anyhow, tell us a bit about yourself.
FAY
Well, there’s not much to say.
ALAN
Not much to say? Come on, we’re dying to hear about all the films you’ve worked on. What was your very first one?
FAY
My very first film job was…….err… as a co-writer on “Splitting Hairs”, the Eric Idle film.
GAYNOR
Wasn’t that “Splitting Heirs” not Hairs? It was about inheriting a title.
DARA
If it was Eric Idle it was definitely “Splitting Heirs.”
FAY [CASUALLY]
Depends on how you pronounce it. Anyway I then had a few TV jobs, The Bill, Casualty, that sort of thing, and then worked on the Mike Leigh film, Vera Drake.
EDITH
Vera Drake. I never saw that. What was that about?
FAY
That was about….…if you’ll excuse me for a moment I need to go to the loo.
[SHE RISES AND MAKES FOR THE TOILET]
CUT TO
SCENE 5 INT.PUB TOILET.NIGHT
[FAY IS IN ONE OF CUBICLES IN THE LADIES FURTIVELY READING A NOTEBOOK]
FAY [QUIETLY]
Splitting Heirs. Bugger. I can’t even read my own writing.
[SHE THEN PULLS OUT HER MOBILE PHONE AND DIALS UP THE INTERNET. SHE BEGINS TYPING]
FAY [SLOWLY AS SHE TYPES THE LETTERS]
Vera Drake
CUT TO
SCENE 6 INT.PUB TABLE.NIGHT
[FAY EMERGES FROM THE TOILET AND SITS BACK DOWN AT THE TABLE]
EDITH
Brice was just implausibly suggesting that Vera Drake was a biography of Sir Francis Drake’s wife.
FAY [LAUGHS A LITTLE]
Very funny. No, Vera Drake was set in the nineteen-fifties and is about [SPEAKING AS IF HAVING MEMORISED THE DESCRIPTION]a kindly working class woman who moonlights from her job as a cleaner by performing illegal abortions for young women. However, after one abortion goes wrong she is tracked down by the police and must face up to the consequences of her actions.
[THEY ALL LOOK SOMEWHAT PUZZLED]
EDITH
So who played Vera, then?
FAY [TRYING TO RACK HER MEMORY]
Err…Imelda something……Imelda ….Marcos…..no…Staunton….Imelda Staunton.
ALAN
Sorry if it seems like an interrogation. It’s just exciting to meet someone who’s actually worked on feature films.
FAY
Well it’s not as glamorous as it sounds. Just a lot of hard work which I’m sure you appreciate. It’s never easy is it? Anyway what about your group?
ALAN
Well, we meet here every Tuesday and try and write comedy sketches and dramas. We’re trying to move away from the traditional ”Set Up and Beg Comedy” you find in, say, most sitcoms.
FAY
“Set Up and Beg Comedy”?
ALAN
You know, when one character just delivers a line which sets up a gag line for the next character.
FAY
You mean jokes.
BRICE
Yeah, we don’t do jokes.
FAY
No jokes?
ALAN
Not as such. We’re trying to develop our own particular character driven style of comedy.
BRICE
As I said, no jokes.
ALAN
The set up joke, set up joke approach is too formulaic and, I think, too instantly forgettable.
DARA [DISMISSIVELY]
Would you listen to him. What a pile of hype and tripe. You’re just babbling, Brooke.
ALAN
No I’m not. Humour comes from pain. The audience don’t want to see gags, they want to see suffering.
BRICE
And boy do we make them suffer.
[IN THE BACKGROUND WE CAN SEE KEN COMING ROUND]
DARA
Bollix. Anyway, looks like the bar’s open again and I’m feeling distinctly beereft. Anyone else?
[EVERYONE ELSE SHAKES THEIR HEADS AND DARA GETS UP, GLASS IN HAND, AND HEADS FOR THE BAR.]
ALAN
Dara’s been a bit up and down lately.
FAY
Mostly to the bar it seems. Don’t think he cares for me much. How long has the group been going?
ALAN
Err.
BRICE
Let’s put it this way the pub’s changed names twice since we started meeting here.
EDITH
Three years come June.
BRICE
The wilderness years.
FAY
So what are you writing at the moment?
GAYNOR
A comedy drama called Roy’s Castle.
FAY
Roy’s Castle?
EDITH
That’s our major project, we also write sketches; the sketches are just fillers really when we come to a crashing halt in the old plot thingy. Come to think of it we’ve been doing sketches for months now. Anyway, it’s about this seventies rock star who…….…Alan, you tell it.
ALAN
There’s basically three main characters; Roy, a seventies rock star who faked his own death 18 years ago, Jackie, his former girlfriend and Tabushka, the daughter Roy doesn’t know he has. We start our story just when their worlds are about to collide.
CUT TO
SCENE 7 :EXT-RUN DOWN BLOCK OF FLATS-DAY
[ALAN AND THE OTHER MEMBERS OF THE WRITING GROUP CONTINUE AS VOICEOVERS. WE SEE THE FRONT ENTRANCE OF A RATHER SHABBY BLOCK OF FLATS. A SIGN SAYS “CASTLE HOUSE”, BELOW WHICH SOMEONE HAS ADDED “A TEMPORARY AUTONOMOUS ZONE”]
FAY (VO)
What’s this place?
ALAN (VO)
This is Castle House, the place where Roy’s been hiding out for the past eighteen years; part hippie commune, part anarchist autonomous zone and part care in the community centre. Notorious for its illegal drugs, all-night parties and general hygiene deficiencies this is Roy’s home in the largely fictional seaside town of Walmington-On-Sea.
CUT TO
SCENE 8 INT. PUB TABLE. NIGHT
FAY
You’re setting it here in Walmington?
ALAN
Yep. Write about what you know. Besides if it takes off we could put Walmington on the map and become local celebs.
EDITH
Think of it. The occasional freebies, opening local fetes, school prize days. The sky’s the limit.
BRICE
Riches beyond compare and almost within our grasp.
CUT TO
SCENE 9 INT-CASTLE HOUSE KITCHEN-DAY
[WE SEE A LARGE COMMUNAL KITCHEN AREA WITH SEVERAL YOUNG, MOSTLY FEMALE HIPPIES PREPARING FOOD. IN THEIR MIDST IS A FORTY-SOMETHING MALE WITH A PONY-TAIL WHO IS SLICING VEGETABLES. THE WRITERS GROUP CONTINUE AS VOICEOVERS.]
ALAN (VO)
And this is Roy in the communal kitchen in his usual soup and vegetable chilli making role and surrounded by his usual coterie of willing helpers and occasional bedmates.
FAY (VO)
Bedmates? I see. A bit racey then this drama.
CUT TO
SCENE 10 INT. PUB TABLE.NIGHT
GAYNOR
I shouldn’t get too excited. Alan’s got a no sex rule. A fear of the watershed.
ALAN
That’s not strictly true. It’s a guide rather than a rule. Maximise don’t minimise your market.
GAYNOR
The creative process is seemingly being driven by the prospect of UKTV Gold afternoon repeat fees. So no sex.
ALAN
Besides, I’ve got two young daughters and if we don’t beat the watershed then they’ll never see it. If you’ll excuse me for a moment.
[ALAN RISES AND LEAVES THE TABLE HEADING FOR THE TOILET.]
EDITH
Alan’s got a very weak bladder. I mean a very weak one. Once he breaks the seal, so to speak, it will seem that he’s either just going or just coming back from the bog. So I hear you also worked on Mike Leigh’s film Sweet Sixteen?
FAY
Could you excuse me for a moment?
CUT TO
SCENE 11 INT.PUB TOILET.NIGHT
[FAY IS IN ONE OF CUBICLES IN THE LADIES FURTIVELY READING A NOTEBOOK AND OPERATING HER MOBILE PHONE]
FAY [SLOWLY AS SHE TYPES]
Sweet Sixteen.
CUT TO
SCENE 12 INT.PUB TABLE.NIGHT
[BACK AT THE TABLE]
ALAN
Well, she doesn’t seem to like talking about her past work much.
COLIN
Maybe she’s a doer not a talker.
DARA
Yeah, but you think she’d be able to remember the films she’s worked on. Splitting Hairs indeed. What next Bridget Jones’s Dairy?
BRICE
Shakespeare In Hove?
DARA
I’m telling you there’s something counterfeit about yonder woman and I’m not just referring to the fake and bake salon tan she’s sporting.
GAYNOR
Dara, you’re just naturally suspicious.
DARA
If anyone should know what a fake is, it’s me. I’m an actor.
ALAN
Gaynor’s right. You’re always suspicious. I’d remind you that we’ve written the grand total of one sketch and two pages of screenplay in the past three months. We need this woman to stay. OK?
DARA
OK. OK. I’ll back off, maestro.
[FAY REAPPEARS FROM THE TOILET AND SITS BACK DOWN. COLIN COMES BACK FROM THE BAR]
COLIN
Do you want ice with your drink, Fay?
[THERE IS NO RESPONSE FROM FAY]
COLIN
Ice? Fay?
[AGAIN THERE IS NO RESPONSE]
DARA [LOUDER]
Hello? Fay? Do you want ice?
[FAY SUDDENLY JUMPS TO LIFE]
FAY
What? Sorry. Ice? Yes. Ice please. I’m sorry I was miles away. So Alan, Roy’s Castle? Where were we?
ALAN
Ah yes.
CUT TO
SCENE 13 EXT-LEAFY COUNTRY LANE-DAY
[A LEAFY, TYPICALLY ENGLISH COUNTRY LANE. INTO SHOT COMES AN AGEING VW CAMPER VAN. WE CAN JUST MAKE OUT THAT THE VAN HAS FOUR YOUNG OCCUPANTS.]
CUT TO
SC INT-VW CAMPER VAN-DAY
[INSIDE THE VAN ON THE FRONT SEATS ARE TWO YOUNG WOMEN. THE DRIVER IS EDNA, A SMALLISH AND PLAIN BESPECTACLED BRUNETTE. IN THE PASSENGER SEAT IS TAB, A DREADLOCKED ATTRACTIVE GIRL IN CRUSTY ATTIRE WITH A STUD BELOW HER BOTTOM LIP. SHE HALF TURNS IN HER SEAT TOWARDS THE OCCUPANTS OF THE REAR SEATS WHICH ARE TWO YOUNG MEN, IGOR AND VICTOR, WHO COULD PASS AS TWINS WITH THEIR SIMILAR FLEDGLING BEARDS AND BOBBLE HATS.]
FAY (VO)
One of these is the daughter, isn’t it?
ALAN(VO)
This is Tabushka. You wouldn’t think it on first appearance but this girl’s had the equivalent of a small African country’s GDP spent on her education. She’s run away from home and goes from festival to festival. She is currently teamed up with a couple of scam artists, self-styled anarchist clowns.
FAY(VO)
A rebellious spirit then?
ALAN(VO)
Well, you be the judge.
IGOR [IN A THICK EDINBURGH ACCENT]
Did you bring the cards?
VICTOR[IN A POSHER MORE MORNINGSIDE ACCENT]
What?
IGOR
The Cards! The last thing I said to you was mind the cards.
VICTOR
Well, I’ve not brought them
TAB
Trainspotting!
IGOR
Very good. Point to Tab. I make it eight nil so far. Etna, your sheltered, idyllic upbringing is costing you dear.
EDNA
This isn’t fair. We didn’t have a TV in our house. Besides I have to concentrate on driving. You’re very good though, your accents, I mean.
VICTOR
Why thank you, but as you didn’t see the film your compliment’s only of limited value.
TAB
Why do you call her Etna when her name’s Edna?
IGOR
It’s on account of her explosive personality.
[BOTH IGOR AND VICTOR LAUGH HEARTILY.]
TAB [ADDRESSING EDNA]
I don’t know why you put up with these two. Nor, for that matter, why you end up doing all the driving?
EDNA
Oh, I don’t mind.
VICTOR
Neither of us can drive. And besides, it’s against our eco credentials.
IGOR
You wouldn’t want us to be hypocrites now, would you.
VICTOR
Eco-crites in fact.
[TAB LOOKS A LITTLE WORRYINGLY AT EDNA WHO, RATHER THAN LOOK OFFENDED BY IGOR AND VICTOR, LOOKS SURPRISINGLY CONTENTED.]
TAB
No, heaven forbid you should have to compromise the few remaining principles you have left. Tell me this though. Is there any reason why we’re spending several hours driving down these back roads when there’s a perfectly serviceable motorway over the hill?
IGOR
Oh Tab! As a life experience motorways are so dated. This, however, is timeless.
[HE OPENS HIS ARMS IN A MOCK EMBRACE OF THEIR COUNTRY SURROUNDINGS]
VICTOR
Besides we’ve got no tax disk.
TAB
Oh, I see.
[THE FRAME IS FREEZED ON TAB’S LAST UTTERANCE.]
FAY(VO)
They’re headed for Walmington-On-Sea aren’t they?
ALAN(VO)
Exactly. Right to Roy’s door. All we have to do is drag the mother, Jackie, into the action and the hare’s off and running.
CUT TO
SCENE 14 INT-A HERO’S WELCOME PUB-NIGHT
[BRICE, DARA, GAYNOR AND EDITH ARE AT TABLE. BRICE HAS A COPY OF THE WALMINGTON TRIBUNE AND IS PERUSING THE PERSONALS]
BRICE
I mean, listen to this. “Unhappy. Past caring for two children”. You’re hardly going to beat a path to her door are you?
[EDITH LOOKS OVER BRICE’S SHOULDER AT THE ADVERT]
EDITH
Ah. That should say “unhappy past, full stop. Caring for two children”.
BRICE
I see. Does no one ever haul you up for these misprints.
EDITH
No. Never.
GAYNOR
I think it’s the best thing about the newspaper.
[DARA AND BRICE NOD]
EDITH
You’re all very cruel. It’s not easy proof-reading so many ads and getting them all right.
DARA
What about this one then?
BRICE
“I want a man that can paper me.”
EDITH
“Pamper me.”
BRICE
Right, “pamper me. Must have sense of humour……No abusive or alcoholic…...” God! Why do women have to set the bar so high.
DARA
Ah. I’ve found another one. Extremely petty woman, twenty-seven. Ha ha.
EDITH
What’s so funny?
DARA
What? Well, it’s obviously pretty not petty.
EDITH
No, I remember her. Extremely petty’s right.
DARA
Why are you bothering with this stuff anyway? Young Heidi Christmas will be back from the Faroe Islands next week. You can always try your luck there again.
BRICE
Well, who’d of believed it. Heidi Christmas being an Egyptian and that. I always thought she was from somewhere in Scandinavia.
GAYNOR
Sorry!?
BRICE
The Pharoah Islands. Aren’t they off the coast of Egypt?
GAYNOR
Tell me you’re kidding. Please, tell me you're kidding. I can’t bear the thought of you having special educational needs; I wouldn’t be able to loathe you with quite the same intensity.
EDITH
I think you may be spelling the Faroe Islands a bit differently than normal. They’re in the middle of the Atlantic.
BRICE
I know. I’m just joshing with you. Still, if I had to guess I would have said she was Swedish.
GAYNOR
You’d think that having taken her out you might actually have found out where she was from.
DARA
I always meant to ask you. Did you get your legover with Heidi?
GAYNOR
Dara!
DARA
What? I just wanted to know if you did whether Christmas came early?
CUT TO
SCENE 15 INT-RESTAURANT-EVENING
[A DINNER PARTY IS IN PROGRESS AT A SWISH RESTAURANT. THERE ARE FOUR PEOPLE SEATED AT THE TABLE. AT ONE END OF THE TABLE IS JACKIE AN ATTRACTIVE LATE 30’ISH WOMAN. THE OTHER DINERS COMPRISE THE FROBISHER FAMILY; OLD MONEY AND ARISTOCRATIC BREEDING. AT THE TABLE SITS SIR IAN FROBISHER, THE HEAD OF THE FAMILY, A MAN OF ADVANCED YEARS AND MILITARY BEARING. THE OTHER GUESTS ARE A THIRTY-SOMETHING WOMAN AND A DAPPER BALDING MAN IN HIS EARLY FORTIES WITH A DASHING BOWTIE AND DINNER JACKET.]
ALAN (VO)
And this is Jackie. Left on her own to bring up a child after Roy’s disappearance she has worked her way up from the bottom to become Managing Director of Frobisher Property. The other people at the table are the Frobishers, old money now getting richer on the back of Jackie’s efforts. There’s Sir Ian, the head of the family; his son Toby, self styled playboy and bon viveur and of course Susan Elizabeth the daughter who has spent the previous five years in ashrams in India.
[JACKIE ADDRESSES THE TABLE. ALTHOUGH LARGELY HIDDEN HER ACCENT STILL BETRAYS HER NORTHERN ROOTS.]
JACKIE
I’d just like to thank you for this lovely meal tonight.
SIR IAN
Not at all Jackie. It’s you who we should be thanking. This modest meal is scant reward for the ten years service you’ve given to Frobisher Property.
JACKIE
Well it’s been more than just a company to me, Sir Ian. It’s almost been like a family.
[SUSAN ELIZABETH SHOOTS A WITHERING LOOK ACROSS TO TOBY.]
SIR IAN
Well, we like to keep some remnants of a traditional family firm alive; that despite your best efforts in driving our company from a modestly successful family firm to one of the largest property development companies in the UK.
TOBY
Whatever we’re paying you, it’s not enough. My vices are struggling to keep pace with the money you’re earning us.
SUSAN ELIZABETH
But you try, Toby, ever so gallantly. It is only your tendency to sloth that holds you back.
TOBY
All those years in ashrams and your sweet-natured character hasn’t changed a bit. I’ll bet there’s several gurus in India who’ve turned to drink after running into you.
SUSAN ELIZABETH
Well if there are you’d be the first to know, given that there’s not a drunk in the world who you haven’t shared a glass with.
SIR IAN
Please, children. My apologies, Jackie. An indulgent father and feckless children is a poor combination. I take the lion’s share of the blame. After my late wife passed away I spoiled them terribly, probably over-compensating for the lack of a maternal influence.
JACKIE
I’m sure you’ve done your best, Sir Ian.
TOBY
Well, that’s something you’ve got in common; you’re both single parents.
SUSAN ELIZABETH
Speaking of which. Jackie, how is your daughter? I believe you mentioned she was abroad at present.
JACKIE
Yes, Tabushka’s in Switzerland for a year, at the Institut Villa Pierrefeu. It’s one of their top finishing schools.
SUSAN ELIZABETH
That’s wonderful news. I’m so glad she’s managed to put the troubles of the last few years behind her.
JACKIE
Oh the expulsions. She was always a bit of a square peg in a round hole at Cheltenham Ladies College.
SUSAN ELIZABETH
And Roedean?
JACKIE
And Roedean,…..[IN HUSHED TONE]…and Sherborne and Wycombe Abbey. The teachers didn’t really cater for her specific and individual talents. She’s much more centred now and doing really well by all accounts.
SUSAN ELIZABETH
Well, she’ll have a little more difficulty running away from school in Switzerland, that’s for sure. You’ve done a tremendous job, bringing her up by yourself, I mean without a husband and what.
[AT THAT MOMENT A CONCIERGE APPEARS AND WHISPERS SOMETHING TO JACKIE. JACKIE SIGHS AND MOVES TO LEAVE THE TABLE.]
JACKIE
Please forgive me, I’ve been expecting an important phone call. Do excuse me.
[SHE WALKS TOWARDS THE RESTAURANT LOBBY. AS SHE LEAVES THE SMILES ON THE GUESTS’ FACES DISAPPEAR.]
SUSAN ELIZABETH
Toby, how dare you.
TOBY
What now?
SUSAN ELIZABETH
How can you sully father’s status and mother’s memory by equating us with some feckless Northern cow who probably doesn’t even know which one night stand fathered her child. And is your gushing praise of her really so politic under the present circumstances.
TOBY
Do I detect a note of jealousy there.
SIR IAN
Susan Elizabeth has a point Toby. We agreed that there was to be no mention tonight of giving Jackie a major share in the company. However, We have to play this one quite conservatively. We cannot afford to alienate Jackie. She is, and I put it indelicately, our cash cow.
SUSAN ELIZABETH
Well, you’re half right. I’ve never been entirely happy that our family company, indeed our family name, is fronted by some single mum, straight off some northern sink estate. It’s not the sort of image I want my children to inherit.
SIR IAN
Now Susan…
TOBY
Without her you’d have nothing but a name TO inherit.
SIR IAN
Nevertheless, my position is that I want ownership of the company to be remain undiluted in the family in the hope that the next generation of Frobishers might supply someone with the nous to run it. In the meantime we cannot easily just dismiss Jackie’s ambition to become a major shareholder in the firm. We must tread carefully.
TOBY
I could always marry the wench. That would solve the dilemna.
SUSAN ELIZABETH
The one tiny flaw in that plan Toby is that Jackie does not suffer fools, gladly or otherwise. Your only hope is that you are such an enormous fool that somehow you are undetectable on her radar. I, however, have another solution. I know that up to not I have not been a credit to you, father but, as I mentioned to you earlier, I feel that now I am ready to pick up the baton and play an active part in running the company. After all if you’re prepared to let our idiot cousin Trevor be PA to Jackie then surely I’m a shoe-in for the Board.
TOBY
You can’t be serious. Father, you’re not thinking of letting her…
SIR IAN
I can and I will, but slowly. Susan Elizabeth, will join the firm but initially only in a junior role. You’ll have to prove yourself first before there’s any talk of joining the board. I’ll arrange it with Jackie in the morning.
CUT TO
SCENE 16 INT-RESTAURANT LOBBY-EVENING
[JACKIE IS ON THE TELEPHONE IN THE LOBBY TO TREVOR, HER PA.]
JACKIE
OK so it’s three weeks and there’s still no sign of her anywhere. She’s never been missing as long as this before. Did you manage to find a private detective, a reputable one?
TREVOR’S [VOICE ON TELEPHONE]
Yep. A man by the name of Rhyss Williams. He’s on the job as we speak.
JACKIE
Rhyss Williams? What happened to the detective that was recommended, Milton Arbogast?
TREVOR
Seems he fell down some stairs. This guy’s good though. I’m sure of it.
JACKIE
He’d better be. I want an update every two days and he can phone me day or night. Understood.
[THE ACTION FREEZES WITH JACKIE ON THE TELEPHONE.]
FAY (VO)
Looks like your heroine has her work cut out.
ALAN (VO)
Oh, we’ve got much more in store for her.
.
CUT TO
SCENE 17 INT.PUB TABLE.NIGHT
COLIN
After you left last week we added a bit at the end of that scene.
EDITH
Tried to give it a bit more emotional depth.
ALAN
Really? Let’s see.
COLIN
Edith took the notes.
[EDITH RUSTLES THROUGH HER PAPERS AND HANDS SOME SHEETS TO ALAN WHO TURNS SMILING TO FAY]
ALAN
See. They can be inspired at times. I hope there’s no misprints Edith.
EDITH
It’s fine, I checked it. Twice!
CUT TO
SCENE 18 INT.RESTAURANT LOBBY.NIGHT
[ALAN’S VOICE CONTINUES AS A VOICE-OVER]
ALAN(VO)
Jackie hangs up the phone and pulls a picture of Tab from her purse.
[WE SEE JACKIE PULLING A PICTURE OF HER DAUGHTER FROM HER PURSE. SHE TURNS AND SEES A HOODED YOUTH STANDING CLOSE-BY. SHE PICKS UP A FLANNEL AND WIPES IT ACROSS THE YOUTH’S FACE]
CUT TO
SCENE 19 INT.PUB TABLE.NIGHT
ALAN
Hold on. That doesn’t make any sense.
[EDITH GRABS THE SHEET FROM ALAN’S HAND]
EDITH
Shit. Sorry, my fault. I’ve written tearaway – it should say she wipes a tear away.
CUT TO
[DARA AND ALAN ARE BRINGING DRINKS BACK TO THE TABLE. FAY IS ONCE AGAIN MISSING FROM THE TABLE]
DARA
Where’s she gone now?
GAYNOR
Toilet.
ALAN
Again? She’s got a weaker bladder than me.
BRICE
The toilets are taking a bit of a hammering tonight.
DARA [SARCASTICALLY]
Did someone ask her about her work on Casualty or something?
EDITH
You’re still harbouring suspicions about her, then?
DARA
Not so much a harbour, more of a deep water naval base of suspicions now.
GAYNOR
I’m beginning to suspect as well.
[AT THAT MOMENT A MOBILE PHONE BLEEPS INDICATING AN INCOMING TEXT]
DARA
I see she’s left her phone this time. I suppose everyone would object if I just had a teeny look at….
[DARA PICKS UP THE PHONE]
ALAN
Dara! Don’t!
GAYNOR
That’s a gross violation of trust and a major invasion of her privacy . You have to press enter and star to unlock the keypad.
ALAN
Look. You really shouldn’t.
[DARA STARTS PRESSING BUTTONS ON THE PHONE]
BRICE
Well, come on spill the beans.
DARA
It seems to be a text from herself.
EDITH
Whassit say?
DARA
Sorry to leave you in the lurch. Hope it all went well. Will phone you tomorrow, lotsa love, Fay.
[FAY APPEARS FROM THE TOILET. THEY ALL TURN TOWARDS HER. DARA IS HOLDING THE MOBILE PHONE IN THE AIR]
DARA
You rang, milady?
CUT TO
[THEY ARE ALL SITTING AROUND THE PUB TABLE]
FAY
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lie to you. At least I didn’t come with that intention.
ALAN
So where’s the real Fay Nicholls? She’s still coming isn’t she?
FAY
I was supposed to meet her here. She told me about your group and suggested I come along – she knew I wanted to be a writer, see? And I agreed, thinking I could piggy-back my way in on the back of Fay being an established writer. When I got here, however, she phoned me and said she’d decided to join another writing group.
ALAN
Oh bugger!
EDITH
So why didn’t you just come through by yourself?
FAY
I was a bit scared. I’m not a writer, I’ve never written anything in my life. I thought I wouldn’t have a hope of joining without Fay. I was just about to leave when Ken found me and when he and you, Alan, assumed I was Fay I just sort of went along with it. It sort of gave me a passport into the group. I always meant to tell the truth, eventually, but it’s too late for that now. All I can say is I’m sorry.
DARA
Well, I don’t want to “split hairs” about it but you’re right it is too late and, yes we’re only looking for people who can write so it’s probably best you leave and we can all laugh about it in the far, far distant future.
BRICE
Speak for yourself. I’m pissing myself now. This is great fun.
GAYNOR
I don’t understand. You say you want to be a writer but you’ve never actually written anything?
FAY
Not a thing. But I’d like to learn. I’m sure I could, given the chance.
DARA
It’s not as simple as that. It’s a complex art.
Many are called, few are chosen, that sort of thing.
ALAN
Hold on a minute, Dara. You’re the one who’s always going on about how easy it is and you complain that if the idiots who write your productions are anything to go by it can’t be that complicated.
COLIN
It’s an art but also a craft; it can be learned.
BRICE
Yeah, it’s not rocket surgery.
GAYNOR
But you still haven’t said why?
FAY
It’s something that’s always yours; creating your own little world where your imagination can run riot. No matter how bad and shitty your day to day life gets you can always find a place to retreat to, a place where you still count. When people let you down or get you down, as they always do, in the end you can lock the door, close your eyes and you’ll always have your stories, your characters. They’re your friends, they’re always with you. The one constant light in what’s mostly a dull and dreary life.
[EVERYONE LOOKS THOUGHTFUL AND GAYNOR LOOKS TEARFUL]
GAYNOR [TEARFULLY]
God, I’d forgotten, but she’s right. It’s been so long since I thought about why I write or heard anyone say anything that nice about writing or writers. I think Ken’s about the only person I know, hand on heart, who doesn’t think we’re just a shower of pretentious tossers.
KEN [FROM BEHIND THE BAR]
No, I think you’re a shower of pretentious tossers as well.
GAYNOR [SNIFFS]
Thanks Ken.
CUT TO
[THE GROUP ARE STANDING IN A HUDDLE, EXCEPT FAY WHO IS SITTING AT THE TABLE, CLUTCHING HER HANDBAG FOR AN EARLY EXIT. BRICE AND COLIN BREAK AWAY FROM THE GROUP AND APPROACH FAY AT THE TABLE]
BRICE
Colin’s got one or two questions.
FAY [NERVOUSLY]
OK
COLIN
Do you like science fiction?
FAY
Yes.
COLIN
What about fantasy?
FAY
Well, I love Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter.
COLIN
Are you interested in medieval fighting techniques?
FAY
Err. No. Sorry.
COLIN [TO BRICE]
Two out of three.
BRICE [TO COLIN]
Higher than I’d have thought.
COLIN
I’d have put money on the last one being a yes, though.
BRICE
My question now. Are those fake? [HE INDICATES FAY’S BREASTS]
FAY
No. They’re the same ones God gave me.
BRICE
Sorry about the questioning and all, but we have to be thorough.
FAY
I understand
[THEY MAKE THEIR WAY BACK TO THE HUDDLE. AFTER MORE WHISPERED DISCUSSION ALAN SPEAKS]
ALAN
OK. Those in favour?
[ALL HANDS GO UP EXCEPT DARA’S]
ALAN
Those against?
[DARA DEFIANTLY PUTS HIS HAND UP]
ALAN
Carried.
[THEY ALL WALK BACK TO THE TABLE. FAY SMILES WEAKLY.]
ALAN
OK, you’re in.
FAY
I am?
ALAN
Yes. But on one condition.
FAY
What’s that?
ALAN
That you continue to be Fay Nicholls.
FAY
But my real name is…..
ALAN [INTERRUPTING]
Not interested. For pretending to be Fay Nicholls your punishment is to be known hereafter as Fay Nicholls.
BRICE
It’s like the judgement of Solomon.
DARA
Solomon Grundy, more like.
ALAN
Agreed?
FAY
Yes. Yes, of course. I quite like the idea of being Fay Nicholls actually, come to think of it. It’s much better than being plain old…….
ALAN
Uh Uh. Don’t spoil it. You’re Fay now and that’s the end of it.
BRICE
I think that calls for a celebration. Let me abbeverate everyone. What’s it to be Alan?
ALAN
I’ll have a……..
[AT THAT MOMENT KEN’S HEAD HITS THE BAR AND HE’S OUT COLD]
ALAN (CONTD)
I’d give it a minute or two.
CUT TO
SCENE 20 EXT-WALMINGTON RESIDENTIAL STREET – LATE AFTERNOON
[THE CAMPER VAN ROUNDS A CORNER PAST A CHURCH HALL. THERE ARE NUMEROUS PARKED CARS AROUND THE HALL.]
CUT TO
SCENE 21 INT- CHURCH HALL-LATE AFTERNOON
[ON THE CHURCH HALL STAGE THERE IS A TABLE OF COUNCIL OFFICIALS SEATED. THE HALL IS PACKED AND IN AN ANGRY MOOD. AN OFFICIAL IS STANDING AT THE TABLE ADDRESSING AND TRYING TO PACIFY THE CROWD.]
COUNCIL OFFICIAL
Please people. I assure you the council is doing everything in its power to meet your concerns about Castle House.
[FROM THE FRONT OF THE FLOOR AN ANGRY MAN STANDS UP AND INTERVENES, ADDRESSING THE HALL.]
ANGRY MAN
What does he know. He’s just here to make it look as though the council’s doing something when we know they’re not. This is an utter waste of time. I’m not sitting here listening to this crap all night.
[HE THROWS DOWN HIS AGENDA, MAKES HIS WAY TO THE AISLE AND WALKS OUT. THE COUNCIL OFFICIAL CONTINUES.]
COUNCIL OFFICIAL
We’ve served notices against the loud music, co-ordinated action with the police to stem the drug problem and deal with any anti-social behaviour.
[ONCE AGAIN THE OFFICIAL IS INTERRUPTED AND AGAIN IT IS THE SAME ANGRY MAN AT THE FRONT OF THE HALL, THIS TIME ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE AISLE.]
ANGRY MAN
This is all the usual flannel. Bloody do-gooders and socialists the lot of them. I’ve had enough of this. I’m off.
[ONCE AGAIN HE THROWS HIS AGENDA DOWN, MAKES HIS WAY TO THE AISLE AND STORMS OUT. ONCE AGAIN THE OFFICIAL CONTINUES.]
COUNCIL OFFICIAL
We can only work within the law. We can’t just go in and shut the place down.
[THE OFFICIAL PAUSES AT THE GROWING TUMULT. FOR A THIRD TIME THE ANGRY MAN GETS TO HIS FEET AND ONCE AGAIN HE IS AT THE FRONT OF THE HALL IN A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT PLACE.]
ANGRY MAN
Blah, blah blah. It’s all hot air. Nothing’s going to happen and we’ll all be back here next month. You can listen to this all night if you want. I’ve got better things to do.
[ONCE AGAIN HE THROWS AWAY HIS AGENDA, MAKES HIS WAY TO THE AISLE AND STORMS OUT. ANOTHER VOICE CRIES OUT FROM THE CROWD.]
VOICE IN THE CROWD
But shutting the place down is the only thing that’s going to work; the only thing that will bring us peace and quiet.
[THE CROWD BURST INTO ANGRY APPLAUSE. SOMEONE AT THE TOP TABLE TUGS THE SLEEVE OF THE OFFICIAL AND HE SITS DOWN, DEFEATED. UP SPRINGS ANOTHER MAN AT THE TABLE. HE IS COUNCILLOR “BOSS” JIM GEDDES, A SHORT, SHARPLY DRESSED MAN WITH A BRISTLING MOUSTACHE. HE RAISES HIS HAND TO QUIETEN THE CROWD AND GRIPS THE EDGE OF THE TABLE INTENSELY AND PEERS AT THE CROWD.]
GEDDES
I come before you tonight, not in the garb of office but in the sackcloth of penitence. Your council has forgotten that it is supposed to be YOUR voice. You the hard working, law abiding majority. You, who pay your taxes and seek only to live in peace and provide for your families. You, whose natural tolerance has been abused by these anti-social and parasitical elements at Castle House. You have been beaten down by those who mock your values, your decency and also, unforgivably, beaten also by the dead hand of this council’s bureaucracy. I give you my word, you will not be beaten again.
[THERE IS ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE. GEDDES, CARRIED AWAY BY HIS OWN RHETORIC, FOLDS HIS ARMS AND HALF TURNS AWAY IN A MOCK MUSSOLINI IMPERSONATION. WHEN THE APPLAUSE DIES DOWN HE AGAIN GRIPS THE EDGE OF THE TABLE AND CONTINUES.]
GEDDES
You have elected me, Jim Geddes, to high office. You shall not find me wanting in repayment of this trust. Tonight I can announce that we WILL close Castle House and bring an end to your suffering.
[THERE IS EVEN MORE GENEROUS APPLAUSE. GEDDES LOOKS TRIUMPHANT, SMILING AND WAVING AT THE CROWD. THE OTHER PEOPLE AT THE TOP TABLE LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN SURPRISE. THE COUNCIL OFFICIAL WEARILY BOWS HIS HEAD AND SIGHS.]
COUNCIL OFFICIAL [QUIETLY UNDER HIS BREATH]
Oh God!
CUT TO
SCENE 22 INT-A HERO’S WELCOME PUB-NIGHT
[EVERYONE IS STANDING AT THE TABLE PUTTING ON JACKETS AND COATS. BRICE IS SUPPORTING DARA WHO IS VERY DRUNK AND CAN’T STAND STRAIGHT. THEY ALL, TO SOME EXTENT LOOK SOMEWHAT BEDRAGGLED AND THE WORSE FOR WEAR.]
DARA [IN A SLUR]
Well that’s another session under the belt. I seem to have had just a teeny weeny bit too much. [TO FAY IN PARTICULAR] It’s a difficult judgement to make. Too little alcohol and the muse remains suppressed. Too much [LOOKING DOWNWARDS] and I piss on my trousers.
GAYNOR
Looks like Dara’s the designated drunk tonight.
EDITH
What’s new? Are you getting him home?
BRICE
I’ll see him home alright.
KEN
Looks like you lot have suffered a fair bit of alcohollateral damage there. Anyone want me to call Calloway’s Cabs.
EDITH
No, I think we’re all fine on that front, Ken.
ALAN
Well, not the most organised or fruitful session we’ve ever had but I trust we shall we see you again, Fay.
FAY
Oh yes. I’ve had a splendid time. New friends, a new identity. A most productive evening.
[THEY MOVE TOWARDS THE DOOR.]
ALAN
Perhaps time for one last pee.
[HE TURNS AND MAKES FOR THE TOILET.]
KEN [ADDRESSING THE OTHERS]
OK people. I want this done by the numbers; a nice clean dispersal this time. This is a residential area. No hanging about outside chatting til daybreak. Night now. See you next week.
ALL
Night Ken.
CUT TO
SCENE 23 INT.PUB TOILET.NIGHT
[PUB TOILET. KEN IS HAVING A PEE. IN THE BACKGROUND COUNCILLOR JIM GEDDES IS RUBBING HIS HANDS UNDER THE DRYER. HE LOOKS INTENTLY AT HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR AND PRUNES HIS HAIR AND MOUSTACHE.]
CUT TO
SCENE 24 EXT.FRONT OF PUB.NIGHT
[WE SEE THE OUTSIDE OF THE PUB AS THE GROUP DECANTS FROM THE PUB. IN FRONT THERE IS A BEATEN UP TOYOYA PICK-UP TRUCK. THERE ARE THREE RPG LAUNCHERS LEANING AGAINST THE CAB. WE HEAR SINGING FROM THE PUB.]
VOICES SINGING
What shall we do with a drunken sailor, what shall we do with a drunken sailor, what shall we do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?
CUT TO
SCENE 25 INT-KFC ESTABLISHMENT-NIGHT
[AN ASSISTANT PUTS A SINGLE PIECE OF FRIED CHICKEN IN A BOX.]
KFC ASSISTANT
Is that all?
COLIN
And another piece of Fried Chicken please.
KFC ASSISTANT
Another one?
[THE CAMERA PULLS AWAY TO REVEAL A HALF DOZEN PACKETS OF KFC ON THE COUNTER. THE ASSISTANT PAUSES UNSURE OF WHAT TO DO. THE CAMERA PANS BACK FARTHER TO REVEAL THE BACK OF A BALD HEAD AND SHOULDERS OF A LARGE THICKSET BLACK MAN STANDING BEHIND COLIN IN THE QUEUE. HE IS FLANKED BY TWO OTHER PEOPLE IN BLACK SUITS, ONE WHITE ONE BLACK]
MARCELLUS WALLACE (VOICE)
The man asked you for a piece of chicken. Why don’t you get your ass back there and get the man’s order?
CUT TO
SCENE 26 EXT-KFC ESTABLISHMENT. NIGHT
[COLIN EMERGES FROM THE KFC ESTABLISHMENT. THE SIGN ON THE SHOP SAYS KENT FRIED CHICKEN WITH A SUSPICIOUSLY LONG GAP BETWEEN THE T AND THE F. COLIN STANDS AT THE BUS STOP IN FRONT OF THE SHOP. VOICES CAN BE HEARD FROM WITHIN THE SHOP]
JULES (VOICE, SHOUTING)
Does he look like a bitch?……… Say what again. C’mon say what again. I dare ya. I double dare ya. Say what one more goddam time.
END
