F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Gappy for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst..
2 - Gappy, Me
Next topic: Guru (chosen by Gappy)
Leg closed: 23.3.24
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 9 - Gappy
2 - 6 - Tiggy
3 - 5 - Me
4 - 4 - Otterfox
5 - 2 - APlate
6 - 1 - Alfred Kipper
A LOAD OF BOSCH
TV STUDIO.
SIMON COWELL and BOSCH.
SIMON Good evening ladies and gentlemen and minions, and come well to this morning's X F**ker's Got Talons in Brazil. This afternoon it gives me the most enormous - yeah - to introduce another sad, desperate wanted-to-be humiliating itself for our wanton pleasure, yes, straight from fifteen-century Flanders it's stood-up comic, Hieronymus Bosch!
SILENCE.
BOSCH Good morrow, maidens, squires and you, my name's Hieronymus Bosch, but you can call me Jeroen Anthoniszoon van Aken - and I hope that after this set, your sides'll be 'aken' too! So give it up for me, just like I did with vices last Lent... Have you ever noticed - is it just me - or have you ever noticed, whenever you pop down the local dom with the gargoyles and the altarpieces and the old wooden lectern, you always leave with one Hail Mary less than you went in with?... Or like, why did the treeman cross the road? To get to the apocalyptic vision of the Inferno on t'other side. Actually, you should taste my wijf's mead, that really is Hell. Oooh, I've tasted better gruel in an orphanage! Not my cuppa silvovitz... But seriously, Volk, have you ever noticed - is it just me - or have you ever noticed, whenever you get on the old trade-cog, the winged demon always sits right next to you, dun' e? It's never next to the giant, tempting strawberry or the Haywain or the Tabletop of the Seven Deadly Sins and The Four Last Things, is it? Always right next to you on your way to the Garden of Eden, the Garden of Earthly Delights and Purgatory, innit? And you're like, I'll just try to distract meself with this lute in the shape of an egg and a sinner's butt, but he's like, 'Been Crucified next to a Donor yet, mate?' And you're, like, 'Well I would be, but this giant rabbit with a symbolic goblet that'll confound art critics for centuries was in me way.' And he's, 'Why's that, mate? Ain'tcha gonna adore the Maji or tempt Saint Anthony or kill a Miser or summet?' And you're, like, 'Well I'd love to, but it's me day off.' So he's off on his longship - actually, ain't the Ship of Fools oarsome? - carryin' the Cross in 'is Crown of Thorns along a dirt road allegorising the Voyage of Everyman, and everyone's lookin' at you like it's the Last Judgement and Brueghel'd never been born yet, so you're, like, 'Oh well, better paint a triptych of Saint Gregory's Mass and the Marytrdom of Saint Julia for the 's-Hertogenbosch church chapel before King Philip the Second of Spain nicks it for the bloody Prado again! Don'cha just hate it when that happens? I mean, why is it always me, eh?... Anyway, I'm off faster than Christ descending into Limbo. Hope you had more fun than Saint Christopher Carryin' the Christ Child on Patmos in Prayer in the Wilderness and I'm just glad I didn't die like the Reprobate. Farewell, and in the words of the left panel of the triptych, Ipse dixit et facta - or should I say, X Factor? - sunt; ipse mandavit et creata sunt!' And I hope you don't think I'm a sunt!
LONG PAUSE.
SIMON I preferred his domestic appliances.
MAN:We submit to you, oh worthy one. We wish to know all.
WIKI:The search for knowledge is noble, so we shall assist as we may.
MAN: Oh, thank you, wise Wikipedia.
[MUSIC SWELLS. IT'S BASICALLY A CROSS BETWEEN GILBERT & SULLIVAN AND FRANZ LEHAR]
WIKI:Well, the New York mayoral office and police are in cahoots
To bolster law enforcement by accepting all recruits
With a lenient approach to all the ne'er-do-wells and misfits
Regardless of their aptitude or their vital statistics.
And that story in a nutshell is a basic summary
Of the essential concept of Police Academy.
CHORUS: [TOGETHER, SAME REFRAIN] And that story in a nutshell is a basic summary
Of the essential concept of Police Academy.
WIKI:A recruit, name of Mahoney is just angling to fail
Whilst conversely the lieutenant tries to make all of them bail,
The recruits always win out over the lieutenant's prefecture,
And there's also a big gay bar and a blowjob at a lecture.
Mahoney and his cronies always beat authority,
And that's the comic centre of Police Academy.
CHORUS:Mahoney and his cronies always beat authority,
And that's the comic centre of Police Academy.
WIKI:Now, the critics found the movie to be middling to poor,
Yet it was 6th best grossing film of 1984,
The average consumer said that it was a must-see, but
It was given no stars out of four by Mr Roger Ebert.
The public and the connoisseurs did not at all agree,
There was a mixed reception for Police Academy.
CHORUS: The public and the connoisseurs did not at all agree,
There was a mixed reception for Police Academy.
WIKI:[PAUSE, THEN SAME MELODY] Police Acad'my 2: Their First Assignment was a film,
Which told of-
MAN:[SPOKEN] No, don't worry, mate, you're fine.
Apologies for missing the votes on the last comp. Mad busy and had no time to delve in. Reading them there I probably would have voted for gappy anyway so it wouldn't have altered the results.
This is part of a scripted comedy podcast I'm writing at the moment, set in a 1930's radio station.
Samuel:
Hello folks and welcome to me once again and my show. This is the Night Gordon with Samuel Gordon and I'm that Samuel Gordon - Samuel Gordon. Tonight we have very important matters to attend to, those of a personal nature which I feel obligated to broadcast across the airwaves.
You may have remembered last week we ran a quiz. One of the contestants was not my nephew and he proceeded to jump out the window when he lost the quiz.
Blennermore:
The bomb exploding might have played a part too sir.
Samuel:
Stop negating my point! Now this contestant who we're not supposed to name for legal reasons so we'll just call him Peter Tights, as that's his name, is pressing charges. I mean where does he get off Blennermore?
Blennermore:
Out the window sir?
Samuel:
I mean the nerve - Granted an opportunity to take part in the quiz. Picked out of 400 I might add and that's how he repays us. This week we were greeted with a solicitors letter on behalf of said Tights which I'm not supposed to read out for legal reasons but I want to.
'Dear Sir/Madam', first off, he clearly knows I'm a man.
'When I took part in your quiz last week I was delighted to be part of the show.' Right, what's he on about so? 'However, things quickly turned sour.' Yeah. He went sour because he was losing.
When I take part in radio quiz shows I do not expect to be blown out windows. I also did not expect a live bomb to be in the studio. You have neglected the very basics of health and safety and put your contestants at risk of serious danger. I cannot believe that you are still on the radio but you will not be much longer. I have suffered stress, physical injury and loss of work because of you and I will not rest until your show ends for good.
Sincerely...
I can't even say his name after that. There's being a sore loser and then there's Tights getting his knickers in a twist. We all know who you are Peter. Someone who loses a quiz, jumps out the window, claims hurt and blames a poor innocent bomb.
Blennermore:
What are you going to do Mr. Gordon? Are we done for?
Samuel:
Not quite, our very first guest is a solicitor and politician. They call him the guru of the game. A very good friend of yours and ours but more ours than yours, it's Lowry McCabe. Hi Louer!
Lowry:
My old college buddie Sammie G!
Samuel:
Here's the offending letter. Come over here and let's nail Tights. Mind the-
Lowry: (falling)
Wow, wow, wooow!
Blennermore:
He's falling sir.
Lowry:
Wow, wooow...
Samuel:
It's the cables. Help him Blennermore!
Blennermore:
His fall isn't really following any particular trajectory sir. It's the strangest fall I've ever seen.
Lowry:
Wow, wooooow!
FX: crashing through timber. Commotion. Electric sounds.
Samuel:
I'm holding up the table so it doesn't refall on his cartilage. Do something Blennermore, I've only got two pairs of hands.
Blennermore:
I've removed the live electrics from him. I've got fairly badly electrocuted myself. I think it's still occurring sir.
FX: electric surge.
Samuel:
It's always the about you, isn't it Blennermore, while my friend lies prostrate on the floor, through the desk, over the speakers, under the cables and with his head stuck in a tyre. How are you feeling Lowry?
Lowry:
Not bad. My legs have no feeling, which is probably a good thing. My shoulders do have feeling which is definitely a bad thing. My back is killing my shoulders. My vision is beginning to come back though. I can see gray.
Samuel:
Great. Here have a suck on your pipe. It might help you.
Lowry:
Yes that's good. The vision is gone again but I'm seeing clearly in my minds eye. I can see...oh my minds eye is gone blind now...
Samuel:
Never mind eyes for now. How is your body feeling?
Lowry:
It's only absolutely desperate when I breathe.
Blennermore:
H-here c-c-comes a doctor now.
Dr. Calvin:
Good lord man, are you ok? Can you hear me?
Blennermore:
Me? I-I'm fine, n-never better.
FX: big power surge.
Samuel:
It's not him. Here's the man you should be helping, Lowry McCabe. I told him to try and move around a bit to make sure he can move around a bit and gave him loads of his pipe.
Dr. Calvin:
What on earth do you think you're doing? Get away from him!
Samuel:
Fine then...if that's the way you want it. I didn't see you here when it happened. Ah, here's another doctor, a proper one this time. He'll sort this out.
Dr. Smith:
Good God man, can you hear me?
Blennermore:
A-absolutely f-f-flying it s-so I am.
FX: crackle of electricity.
Samuel:
Don't pay any attention to Blennermore, it's Lowry that you need to be helping.
Dr. Smith:
Wheel stuckage of the head, wow.
Dr. Calvin:
That's correct Dr. Smith, other injuries too. Back trauma, leg failure, shoulder give. Hmm, hold that, no hold him by the moustache...
FX: clinking.
Samuel:
Yes...they're still working there....on him. Two doctors....do you want me to hold his fringe?
Dr. Calvin:
Get back. This is very precarious.
Samuel:
So folks.... (Whispers) Vance! Vance! Get yourself and Ray Husky over here! We're dying here with dead air. I want you to commentate.
Vance:
Commentate on what sir?
Samuel:
The doctors. Commentate on what they're doing. Keep the thing going for heavens sake.
Vance:
Um... y-you join us live in the studio as a head stuck in wheel event is taking place. The stuckee being non other than solicitor and politician Lowry McCabe; the wheel being the wheel.
Ray:
Yes, that's correct Vance, and Lowry does appear to be getting quite bitey.
Vance:
They've already twisted and rotated his head and wound his shoulders like a clock. They even covered him in lard but it's done no good at all.
Ray:
This has got to be the most bizarre thing I've ever seen.
Vance:
He may well struggle a little bit now as here comes the sedation. How on earth did he get his head stuck in a wheel anyway?
Ray:
He must have seen some food on the far side and went through rather than around it.
Vance:
And now we have a third doctor entering the fray. We definitely didn't see that coming. Now what way are they going to attack this? Will they try the pipe again? - no. They're going traditional with medication.
Ray:
The pipe tactic could never be anything more than a temporary fix. And here comes the sedation Vance.
Vance:
They're bending down now to pick him up. Have they bent down too far? This could go very wrong or very right. Dr. Calvin's back is gone! The knee bend was way off. Lets see that again...
Ray:
Look at the angle there. I don't know what he was thinking. You can't afford to do that. His heads gone Vance. The boys head is gone.
Vance:
Speaking of heads, they're trying now to encase Lowrys head in paper to make a smooth route back through the wheel. His ears need to be tucked forward surely don't they?
Ray:
No, they need to go back...and push...
Vance:
He's out! They've done it somehow, even though his cheeks are all swollen up like a puffer fish. Let's see if we can get a quick word...Mr. McCabe, Vance Conrad, the Night Gordon, how are you feeling?
Lowry: (groggy)
My bubbles are gone to sleep....I'll have two puffins eggs and a jar of jam please...
Dr. Calvin:
Leave him be for now, he's slipping in and out of sanity.
Lowry:
You'll pay for this Gordon! I'll sue you for everything you're worth. Your days are numbered, do you hear me, numbered!
Samuel:
I'm sure that's just the medication and trauma talking. He'd never do that. We're friends since college.
Lowry:
I can hear my foot in the wind.
Blennermore:
Yes sir, he doesn't know what he's saying.
Samuel:
The doctor said he was slipping in and out of sanity. He's probably mainly in sanity and hardly out of it at all.
Lowry: (fading in the distance)
Everything I said was gibberish except about suing youuuu.......
Good stuff lads. Not quite what I was expecting from the subject 'guru', but I guess it doesn't have to just mean 'bloke with a beard and sandals teaching you how to levitate' or whatever..!
Michael gets my vote. An original, funny idea to have Hieronymus Bosch as a stand-up comic on a talent show, and I liked the little details and references (I've actually got prints of some scenes from The Garden of Earthly Delights on the wall!) and a nice quick punchline.
Michael for me too, an educated but accessible sketch with an actual punchline.
Thanks! I appreciate it cos it was a different style for me. Very Alexei Sayle.
Voting Gappy.
Yes, very different from Monkhouse. I love art history and the Garden of Earthly delights is an amazing piece and very much influenced the surrealists hundreds of years later. A very original idea from Mikey.
I also loved Gappys idea on police academy.
Ye're making it difficult to pick but for originality Mikey pips it.