F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Otterfox for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst...
Otterfox - 3
APlate - 1
Next topic: Doors
Leg closed: 14.1.24
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 12 Otterfox
2 6 Crindy
3 4 Gappy, Teddy, APlate
4 2 Me
KODO: [MYSTICAL VOICE, WHATEVER THAT MEANS] Greetings, weary traveller.
SHEFFIELD: I'm not weary. Just got off the bus.
KODO: Ah, a hale young wayfarer.
SHEFFIELD: I'm 47.
KODO: Alright - well met, anyway.
SHEFFIELD: Sure. See you.
KODO: No, but wait! What think you of this portal?
SHEFFIELD: This what?
KODO: This door.
SHEFFIELD: Err, yeah. Decent. See you.
KODO: You do not understand, this door leads...elsewhere!
SHEFFIELD: All doors do.
KODO: Yes, but this door leads to...a different place.
SHEFFIELD: That's the same thi-
KODO: This door leads to another world.
SHEFFIELD: Oh. Cool. What's it like?
KODO: Who's to say?
SHEFFIELD: Well...
KODO: Yes, me, obviously, I'm to say. And I say - take a look.
SHEFFIELD: The window's frosted.
KODO: And yet there is a miniature portal encompassed by the greater!
SHEFFIELD: The letterbox?
KODO: Yes, the letterbox. Look through that. What wonders do you see?
SHEFFIELD: Hallway.
KODO: But, a hallway in another world!
SHEFFIELD: Don't believe you.
KODO: Right! Come on then! Follow me.
SHEFFIELD: You had a key? Then why did you make me kneel at the lett-
KODO: Right, you're in now: another world.
SHEFFIELD: Still a hallway.
KODO: Jesus, look at thecCorrespondence. It is of another world!
SHEFFIELD: 62 Mystery Street, Birmingsnark, Untied Kingdom, Not Earth. Yeah, alright. We're in another world.
KODO: And now, turn back to the door. Would you believe that door leads to....another world.
SHEFFIELD: We just came from it, so...
KODO: Yes. But what do you notice of that world. Do you hear the sounds of the bustling street you left, hmmm?
SHEFFIELD: No. No. I don't hear anything. Silence. Eeerie silence.
KODO: That's right. Good double glazing isn't it?
SHEFFIELD: Yeah. Top work.
KODO: [BRIGHTLY] Why not call Mystery Street Double Glazing for a free quotation. The quality is [LOUD AND REVERBY] out of this woooorld!
SHEFFIELD: [PAUSE] Do I go now?
KODO: [QUIET] Yeah, just let yourself out. Cheers.
Old-style Advert.
When only the finest of fine malt whiskeys will do, it's time for Moorhens. Moorhens full bodied flavour will make you feel like a dandering duck in a wandering wagon. When you've had a tough day peddling doors door to door; wrestling quails or even selling jockey sedatives to burnt out acrobats, reach for that bottle of moorhens, but that's not quite enough. You'll have to drink some too. For when you do, that smooth burning sensation will be sure to singe your cares away.
Sip it, glug it, pander to it, we accept all these methods but gurgling is not permitted. That's not us saying it, thats Victor Moorhen himself and he should know, his uncle runs the company.
So sit back and have some quiet time, just you and your bottle of moorhens malt whiskey, and maybe some friends if you're having some over or a reunion and up to seven other events.
Take control and let the moorhen lead the way. For a sip of moorhens is a sip of whiskey. Not just any whiskey - moorhens. Moorhens malt whiskey. Burn your throat the moorhen way with moorhens. M for malt, M for majestic, M for moorhens. Three 'm's' make mmm moorhens.
MUSIC ON RADIO:
Someone's knocking at the door,
Somebody's ringing the bell.
JL: Well it won't be me, you tedious c**t.
PLAYS HIS PIANO AND SINGS:
Imagine a world without him,
It's very hard to do.
He's everywhere you go now,
Even on Bond films too.
MUSIC ON RADIO:
Someone's knocking at the door...
JL PLAYS HIS PIANO AND SINGS:
Waiting at the docks in Southampton,
Getting on a ferry to France
Just to get away from that wanker,
I think this is my very last chance.
You know it ain't easy,
Listening to his songs.
It makes my poor ears blee-eee-eed,
Christ, he's trying to crucify me.
MUSIC ON RADIO:
Someone's knocking at the door...
JL PLAYS HIS PIANO AND SINGS:
Macca, why don't you leave me alone,
You're like a dog with a f**king bone.
You have to make such tedious crap,
Hoping everybody will clap.
Waa-aanker.
MUSIC ON RADIO:
Someone's knocking at the door...
JL PLAYS HIS PIANO AND SINGS:
So this is Macca,
What a tedious twat,
Playing his drivel
Everywhere you are at.
FX - SOMEONE KNOCKING AT JL'S DOOR
Oh who the f**k is that at this time of day?
FX - JL'S DOORBELL RINGS
Oh Jesus, I'd better answer it, it might be the FBI trying to arrest me for being a commie again. I don't want the f**king door kicked in like last time. Okay pigs, I'm coming.
OPENS THE DOOR
PM: Oh hi John, I was just in New York recording another top ten hit and thought I'd pop in to say hello.
YO ENTERS ROOM, SEES PM AT DOOR AND SCREAMS: Aaaaaaaaaaaaayaaayyyyyyaaaaayyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaayaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhh!
PM AND JL PUT THEIR HANDS OVER THEIR EARS
PM: Oh sorry, I didn't know you were recording. I see her singing hasn't got any better, John. I know a good music teacher back home. Might be able to help her, once he's finished with Ringo.
JL STARES AT HIM BLANKLY THEN CLOSES THE DOOR
MUSIC ON RADIO:
Do me a favour,
Open the door
And let 'em in.
FX - SOUND OF METAL BOX BEING SMASHED THEN MUSIC STOPS
Alfred gets my vote, a good and original idea.
All awesome. Gappy this wank.
Both were good but Gappys was a very enjoyable read this week so he gets my vote.
Otterchops once again 
Fotterox. Not quite his usual standard but good enough.